***Trigger Warning: Suicide & Self-Harm***
Throughout my whole teenage years, I started showing signs of depression and anxiety. I always knew I’d been an anxious child, but I fobbed it off and put it down to going through puberty. After a few visits to the school nurse, I was referred to CAMHS – short for the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. If you’re from the UK and know if CAMHS, you will know how shocking they are.
I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist on and off until I was around 17.
At the end of 2015, I hit a really bad spot. I was extremely depressed and couldn’t leave the house. I wasn’t showering, eating, or getting out of bed. I was referred to the crisis team who I saw daily until February 2016.
2016 rolled around and I was getting worse by the day. Suicide attempt after suicide attempt and eventually I was admitted to a children and young people’s psychiatric hospital for a month – aka the worst month of my life. While there I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, after only being there for a couple of days. This diagnosis changed my life as it was partly incorrect. After a month I was discharged, and I came out worse.
I’d learned different self-harming behaviors whilst in there, and I was discharged with no support.
When I turned 18 in April 2016, everything changed. I was given an appointment for adult services, and I cannot explain just how disheartening that appointment was. I was told there was nothing they could do for me, despite only being discharged from a psychiatric hospital a month previously.
For the next 4 months, I had no support.
I was constantly in A&E for self-harm and suicide attempts, and each time the psychiatric team at the hospital told me the only thing they could do was ring the community team that I had had an appointment with. At this point, I had no fight left in me.
Everything changed one early morning in July 2016. I was already on a ward in the hospital, being treated after yet another suicide attempt. It was around midnight, and very quiet. The nurses were doing their rounds every hour. Over the next hour, I realized just how little of a fight I had left in me. I was exhausted. So I made a decision – I would not be alive come morning.
I made another suicide attempt that left me unconscious.
When the nurses found me, they couldn’t wake me up and had to call the team from the ICU to come up to the ward. When I did eventually wake up, I was very disorientated, and they’d reserved a bed in the ICU for me in case I deteriorated. I was told by the nurses if they’d found me 10 minutes later, I probably wouldn’t have survived.
I spent a few days in the hospital after this and I was then admitted to an adult psychiatric hospital. For the next 3 months, I was in and out constantly, including under a Mental Health Act section multiple times.
Since then, things have changed. My diagnosis was changed to complex PTSD, and thankfully I haven’t been back in hospital since 2016.
Don’t get me wrong, I still really struggle with my CPTSD daily. Some days are better than others. Flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, dissociation are only some of the symptoms I suffer with.
However, these are all made easier by my assistance dog, Chester, who is 2 years old and absolutely incredible.
Some of the tasks he can do are: alert me to dissociation before it happens so I can ground myself, Deep Pressure Therapy to help ground me and calm me down, and fetch me my medication when needed. And then he helps me with daily tasks such as: helping me unload the washing machine and fetching things for me – I get very tired easily, and he’s an absolute saint.
Chester has given me my independence back – I went from not being able to leave the house, to now being in my first year of university, completing an undergraduate degree in Health and Social Care. He came into my life at a crucial time, and ultimately, saved me.
The day I decided to throw my all into recovery and fight for my life, was the best day of my life.
It hasn’t been easy, and it’s an ongoing process, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s this – everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.
***DISCLAIMER: This website, jugglingthejenkins.com, is not affiliated with any specific recovery program. Different avenues work for different people.***
To read more stories like Megan’s, click HERE
I wrote a book about my own journey through addiction, order it HERE
To submit your own story of overcoming adversity, see our guidelines HERE
I’m so glad that you had an awakening to give it your all!
I know it’s hard. I’m so glad you made it through that period. My pets have also been a big help to me.
Wonderful brave girl, eloquently written, I’m so sorry for the failings in your history. I’m a secondary school teacher, UK, and have worked with many children with similar problems to you I know there’s a big need to better MH support in 🇬🇧 and sad to hear how badly that didn’t work out for you. My current pupil has been failed so much by the system and I really feel for you both. I have had chronic depression for more than 20 years myself, I now see it as a blessing because I can help those I come across as a survivor with empathy and knowledge, I hope one day you can do that too, it really shows us how strong we are, I now see mental illness is almost like a calling, a gift to share because it makes are strong and resilient when we think we are spent, that is our gift we can share with others. So glad you are in recovery now, Love H x
I too understand the lack of helpful services when you’re needing them the most!! Mental health service failures are what can lead to self-harm & suicide … the support just isn’t there when you need it the most & putting you in a psychiatric ward environment sure doesn’t improve your mental well-being… I’m SO SO SO sorry this happened to you & for such a long, awful time … animals like your gorgeous service dog are incredible! YOU are incredible! You’ve not only survived THE toughest years & situations, but are doing better & giving hope to others stuck in the darkness & mess of the mental health ‘services’ … (no criticism to the healthcare professionals working within a broken system)
So this girl has a diagnosis no one has ever heard of. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is already about as complex as it can get. Just ask a combat veteran. Not to mention, what she had trauma from was never mentioned in the article. So she has nightmares, flashbacks etc, from what? This entire article is a fiction she created. So she had a bit of depression, anxiety etc. I get it, who hasn’t. And I feel for her. It’s a tough thing to deal with. However I believe she made this sound much worse than it actually was to grasp attention from the world, which is part of another mental disorder called Histrionic Personality Disorder. I don’t understand how PTSD can be labeled as complex let alone show up in someone when nothing traumatic has happened to them. That’s why she never had support. They knew she’s been tooting her own horn from the beginning. She didn’t need the support.
CPTSD is definitely a thing. Before trying to sound educated please do your research. It sounds like you’re a little miffed that someone has a story. Healing. And can share. If you’re miffed because of the attention she gets from this, please heal, and then share. People need role models and someone that is transparent. But don’t bash someone else for succeeding. You’re light does not shine brighter by trying to dim someone else’s. It just makes you look mean and judgmental.
CPTSD is a very real thing. I have been diagnosed with this. It comes with additional symptoms of PTSD. Just because she didn’t state her trauma doesn’t make it any less real. Attacking someone for something you have a hard time accepting is not helpful….AT ALL. You really didn’t need to add to her pain. It literally costs nothing to be kind or to not say anything at all.