“Dear Dad” – Anonymous Submission

*The following has been submitted to me, and the writer has asked to remain anonymous. Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved.*

 

I keep telling myself it’s okay to be angry. How could I not be angry after all the anger that my body endured from a man who was supposed to love me.

That being said…

 

Dear Dad,

This is for me, not for you. 

From the prime age of nine, the words “I hate our fucking kids, I wish they were dead.” Curved and shaped the memory of my Limbic System. I don’t blame you for being mad, you did tell us to have the toy room cleaned by the time you were home; we just weren’t quick enough.

Age 10, quite literally over spilt milk I was kicked out of our home and slept in the tree house for four nights. I know the buttons of the remote stuck for a couple weeks, regardless of how well I tried to clean it. It must have been hard for you to watch NASCAR.

My 11th birthday, remember the nail polishes I had received as a gift? I’m sorry I spilt some on the kitchen table… You had every right to slap me.

In Grade 7, I didn’t do too well on my music test. I played the trombone and I hated the trombone. I couldn’t play soccer for the rest of the year until I could be “worth something of value” again. I know you didn’t do well in school, you just wanted me to do better than you.

I was graduating, I’d ask if you remembered… but you weren’t there. You told Mum you weren’t going because it wasn’t important and it was a waste of time. In your defense, the grass needed cut…so you did that instead.

It was supposed to be the best summer yet. I made new friends in high school, we made so many plans and I couldn’t wait to go to Canada’s Wonderland for Amy’s birthday. A couple days before that, you got drunk at Ryan’s house. I had to walk across town to drive you home. I didn’t have a license yet, and accidently backed into the hydro pole and dinged the bumper. I know I should have been looking, but you punched me so hard in the stomach I had a big purple bruise.

I never went to her birthday party. I didn’t want anyone to see the bruise when we were at the water park.

It was the morning of my 17th birthday party. I was blowing snow out of the laneway so all my friends could have a parking spot. Jason was helping, he was a good brother like that. He hit the light post on an accident and the post broke. I told you it was me so you wouldn’t hurt him, you always hurt him more than me and my sister. I stood out in the snow in bare feet as you poured water on me. I left my Facebook open on the computer, and after you let me back inside I read my new status; “parties cancelled because I’m a fuck up.” I guess the light post was expensive.

The next year Mum asked for a divorce. I think after everything, we deserved one.

A life without seeing your face was a life worth living. So, I gathered some hope and held on tight. You threw her clothes out the garage door, my siblings screaming at you as you screamed back. I took down every family photo in that house and ripped your face out of them. I still feel the sting in my feet from when you chased us out the house with a shovel, threatening to dig up the guns buried in the backyard. My feet were numb from the cold, but my heart was worse. I shouldn’t have ripped the last of the family pictures we had.

You found us. Months later, you found us. You broke down the door, and then one by one broke us. You hurt Jason so badly, I wanted to take away his pain and make it mine. So I did, I called out “I hate you, I wish you were dead”. You didn’t take too kindly the words I spoke— that you preached when I was nine.

I must have really hurt your feelings. 

Seven years later and I haven’t seen you since. I worked endlessly, and fought constantly to beat all the demons along the way. In the midst of finding myself, I found Kenneth and then we created Hudson.

He is happy, and healthy and I provide him with everything you didn’t provide me with.

His father is nothing like you, but everything my stepfather is. You ruined us, but someone else put us back together. Filling every scar you left with worth, dignity and presence; leaving pain, discomfort and fear to nothing but a dark memory in the shape of your face.

So, here I am, admitting that my addiction is you.

Admitting that every thought formatted in my brain; leads me right back to you.

My addiction is despising you, my addiction is making excuses for you, my addiction is thanking you, my addiction is wanting to hurt you, my addiction is forgiving you, my addiction is fearing you, my addiction is loving you when all I want to do is to forget you.

I don’t know how I can feel such resentment… and then feel none of it at all. But maybe, just maybe it’s because you gave me nothing, when I gave you my everything.

That being said, this is my first step. From this day forward, you are no longer my addiction, but my recovery. I deserve to recover because I didn’t deserve your torture.

From,

Your oldest daughter.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

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Author: JugglingTheJenkins

Mother, wife, friend, recovering addict.....

30 thoughts on ““Dear Dad” – Anonymous Submission

    1. This was all too familiar. I’m still asked what I did to make my parents treat me like they did. I survived the ol’ coat hangar abortion. I’m such an asshole, huh.
      I get it. Literally been there. Thank you for publishing this.

      Like

      1. :hugs: :more hugs: and ::SUPER MEGA SQUEEZY ULTRA AMZING HUGS FOREVER::
        YOU are amazing, YOU are super- special and God must have an absolutely AAAHMAZING purpose for you!!!! Do you realize you are literally a MIRACLE?!?!? Because you are….
        All my love and blessing, you Miracle, you,
        Clare
        :: more super squeezy bone crunchy hugs::
        ….:: and a few more::

        Like

      2. :hugs: :more hugs: and ::SUPER MEGA SQUEEZY ULTRA AMZING HUGS FOREVER::
        YOU are amazing, YOU are super- special and God must have an absolutely AAAHMAZING purpose for you!!!! Do you realize you are literally a MIRACLE?!?!? Because you are….
        All my love and blessing, you Miracle, you,
        Clare
        :: more super squeezy bone crunchy hugs::
        ….:: and a few more::

        Like

  1. Just when I think my life sucks, I am reminded that there are little girls living this horrific childhood. I didn’t know I could feel so much pain for a complete stranger. I hope your still doing great, I hope your baby continues to grow up in a house full of love and respect, and mostly I hope you are recovering from your addiction.

    Like

  2. A letter written by a very brave and strong woman. she is courageous to face her addiction. She is admirable to believe she is worth so much more. this letter hit home for me as well. It also reminded me that other people’s shame is not ours. Thank you and blessings to continue moving forward.

    Like

  3. Wow. I am in tears. What a strong woman she is for letting the world know what she has gone through. God Bless you! Keep on fighting ❤️

    Like

  4. Holy Shit! Literally, the best submission I have read. I could relate to many of these things… and truly empathize with the struggle it takes to truly let go of our pain and heartbreak. I hope you continue, to heal, grow and recover.
    My heart ❤️ goes out to you!
    Love from California

    Like

  5. Oh my heart… and yet SUCH pride that she can overcome this with such clarity and purpose!

    Breaking the cycle of abuse… I mean, you make a difference to GENERATIONS- is there anything more important you can do? Oh my god I’m so proud of you. SO. DAMN. PROUD!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t know you but I am so damn proud of you! I only wish I had been able to read these words when the hateful and cruel person I was exposed to was lurking in the corners. Thank you for your strength and congratulations for using this individual as a stepping stone to your bright and beautiful future.

    Like

  7. Wow. That was tough to read but I’m so glad I did. You will recover beautifully. Please remember that true forgiveness is not for them, it’s for us. God bless and stay strong.

    Like

  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Unfortunitely i can relate. You’re not alone and it fills my heart with hope to imagine you, whoever and wherever you are, taking back control of your life and thriving like the amazing, beautiful, incredible person you are.

    Like

  9. Sitting here in tears… that’s a strong story to base a strong recovery on! So really get into your recovery, because you do deserve it, and so so much more. No little human beings deserve that torture, & as adults, we can make those changes for the good. Thank you for sharing, and for the reminder that addiction comes in all shapes and sizes, and for one of the best submissions ever!

    Like

  10. Words don’t usually make me cry but the raw emotion and pain I just felt for this author gave me in tears. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  11. Thank you so much for sharing your pain an healing with us you are very strong woman an you should be so proud of the step you have took to make your life better so sorry for all your pain may God be with you .

    Like

  12. Remarkably sad and incredibly encouraging. What a brave and awesome person you are for sharing this. Thank you for enduring and I’m so glad your pieces are being put back together. Take care and know you’re very worthy. ❤️

    Like

  13. My heart hurt reading this. You are an amazing human and should be so proud of yourself for breaking this cycle of abuse. Now you can begin to heal, recover and become beautifully unbroken. ❤️❤️

    Like

  14. Hope this guy reads this, figures out that he’s the dad, and kills himself. Not every life has value, and the best thing some people can do for the world around them is take themselves out of it. I hope this guy heeds the call.

    Like

  15. Whoever you are…wherever you are I want you to know I feel your pain. I too have walked in those shoes. Just know I’m in your corner cheering you on as you make your way towards recovery. I love YOU! Thank you for sharing your story.

    Like

  16. That is amazing and powerful! I know how you feel, my mom has hurt me in ways I not sure I will ever heal from. Thank you for being brave and shareing your story.

    Like

  17. The Help’ can teach us a very important lesson on how to feel valuable, worthy and loveable!
    You is KIND, you is SMART, you is IMPORTANT

    Like

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