5 years ago I was happily married, with a beautiful little girl, and the home I always wanted.I felt complete.
I had no knowledge of the demons that were hiding inside of me.
Over time I started to have struggles with the loss of a previous pregnancy, and I wasn’t quite sure how to cope. I turned to alcohol and drugs to block out not only my struggle with the loss of my first pregnancy, but also some childhood issues involving my father. I thought I had gotten past those issues, but realized that wound was nowhere close to healed.
I started becoming disconnected from my best friend—my husband, my daughter, and my family. Over the years my marriage began crumbling beneath me and I turned to something to numb the pain. After a few weeks of dabbling with opioids, I lost all sight of everything that mattered in my life. I felt like drugs were my only outlet to numb the disappointment I was to my husband, family and myself.
One year later I found myself homeless, husband-less and sure enough, my daughter was taken from me as I plummeted deeper into the life of a heroin addict.
I was dancing for money, begging on the streets and living in places I’d never think I’d live. I felt the loneliest I’d ever felt in my life— but dope was always there to be my best friend. I lost myself completely at that point.
A couple years went by and I continued to use every day, watching people I cared for dying from this horrible drug that I called my “friend”, even though it stole everything important from me.
March 12th 2016, the day before my daughters 4th birthday, I laid in the bed of an abandoned house, at my rock bottom realizing I would miss another birthday. I also realized I was probably going to miss out on watching her grow into a beautiful woman. I knew that if I kept going, I’d soon be dead.
That very night I heard a knock on the door. It was my mother.
She found me, at the worst point of my entire life. Alone, sick, and half dead. I don’t know how she found me after two years, but I knew at that moment she was my Angel, my blessing.
It was now or never. With a little push from my mom I admitted myself into detox. It was the hardest, yet easiest thing I’d ever done in my life (and if you have ever been an addict you will understand what that means).
With some therapy and the support of some very special people, I have two years clean today.
I have my daughter back in my life, a wonderful relationship with my ex-husband, my family, an incredible man to share my life with, a roof over my head, a great job and a beautiful little boy, now 6 months old.
I did have a big bump in the road after getting clean, and today I still believe it was a test. I met an incredible man he brought me to meetings and was my biggest supporter. I fell head over heels for him, and not too long after we became engaged, we found out we were pregnant. Shortly after finding this out, he passed away due to some health issues. He was only 29 years old.
I was only a few weeks pregnant and completely distraught. I knew that this child was my blessing in disguise, despite the horrible tragedy that came along with it all. I stayed strong and fought on. Continued to stay healthy, I named his son after him, and hope to raise him to be the strong man his father was.
I lost a lot of people I loved though everything, and I still look back and wonder who that woman was that I became. What I do know now is, that she has no grip on me anymore. I fight my demons everyday and I probably will for the rest of my life, but not a day goes by that I don’t look at my children and remember what incredible blessings they are. I am proud of the war I fought and won, and I’m inspired by all the people I see today fighting and winning the same battle I did.
My mother was my angel that day and I’ll never forget the moment she helped me rescue myself from the hell I lived in for so long. I see my little sister who can finally look up to me again, my closest friend I have a bond with today we’ve never had before, the gift of my second child, and the spirit of a warrior. No one can take that away from me. I’m so proud of the woman I have become…