I’m sitting here with a fancy avocado mask on my face, trying my best to stay looking like I’m 21 for as long as possible. But I need to get something off my chest. I have always believed in being completely transparent with you all, ‘cuz you’re my peoples. So I need to make a confession.
If you are a recovering addict, chances are you have heard the expression “my drug of choice is more“. Listen. It’s a real thing. My addiction has been manifesting itself in sneaky ways, and it took me a minute to realize it.
While I’m not shooting dope in an alley and stealing from my loved ones; I am still acting like an active addict, making spontaneous and compulsive decisions, without considering the consequences.
For a little (long) while there, I was scrolling through countless “Online clothing company” albums, wide-eyed and licking my lips, making purchases I couldn’t afford.
“Gah, I really need gas in the car but holy s**t, would you look at the floral pattern on those leggings. I better buy them before anyone else does“.
Then for the next couple of days I’m stalking my mailbox like a crackhead, waiting for my delivery.
I felt guilty every time I paid an invoice, but the guilt was overshadowed by the excitement of my new arrival. I was acting out compulsively – just like I did while using. “But Tiffany it’s not the same, these are leggings not drugs-” trust me, it’s the same. I know my mind and the way it works, it was becoming a problem.
But it didn’t stop there.
I was buying jewelry, face creams, hand creams, lotions, fancy shampoos and make-up. I justified it by telling myself “girl, you deserve it! You work so hard for your family and you never do anything for yourself“. While it’s true, I do deserve a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ from time to time, this was more than that. I was being carelessly frivolous with my funds, and not playing the tape all the way through.
I am a huge fan of helping local moms support their families, but in turn, I need to ensure I am contributing as much as possible to my own.
I was buying things to make me feel good.
To make me feel good temporarily. I was spending money I don’t have, on material things to make me feel different, and the moment I got something in the mail, I was already looking forward to buying something else to match it – even though it wasn’t necessary. If that isn’t my bastard addiction trying to inch his way back into my life – I don’t know what is.
It’s not just purchasing things, I over-eat, and I under-eat, I have short bursts of motivation and low moments of laziness. Up until my revelation about how wonderful my shape is just the way it is, I was battling with my self-confidence. If you saw my post about my Facebook memory of when I was thin, than you know that the way I felt about my body completely changed in that instant, and it truly has made a difference in the way I view myself in the mirror.
I am nowhere near perfect, and this is why I always tell you guys to “take the things I say with a grain of salt”. I’m not a recovered addict, I am a recovering addict. I am a work in progress and until my last day on earth, I will never stop trying to better myself.
I am grateful to the program for equipping me with the tools that allow me to recognize when I am acting out on my addiction. The only way to fix a problem is to acknowledge it and I certainly have.
I have left almost all of my “Clothing” groups, I have spoken with my husband about how I feel, that way there is some accountability and I am prepared to start searching inward to discover what it is that caused me to try and make myself feel better with new things.
When a phone runs out of battery and dies, the only way to get it to work again is to plug it in. I need to plug back in to my connection with God. I have allowed life to get in the way of the relationship I’d created with him, and I can feel it. I have begun rebuilding it and I know that he will give me everything I need to feel complete.
Thank you all for allowing me this outlet to vent and process my emotions. Being able to get honest, and get my thoughts out of my head and onto “paper” has been incredibly therapeutic. I love you all more than you know and appreciate your unwavering support of my journey.