My Drug Of Choice Is More – A Confession.

Hey buds!

I’m sitting here with a fancy avocado mask on my face, trying my best to stay looking like I’m 21 for as long as possible.  But I need to get something off my chest. I have always believed in being completely transparent with you all, ‘cuz you’re my peoples.  So I need to make a confession.

If you are a recovering addict, chances are you have heard the expression “my drug of choice is more“.  Listen.  It’s a real thing.  My addiction has been manifesting itself in sneaky ways, and it took me a minute to realize it.

While I’m not shooting dope in an alley and stealing from my loved ones; I am still acting like an active addict, making spontaneous and compulsive decisions, without considering the consequences.

For a little (long) while there,  I was scrolling through countless “Online clothing company” albums, wide-eyed and licking my lips, making purchases I couldn’t afford.

Gah, I really need gas in the car but holy s**t, would you look at the floral pattern on those leggings.  I better buy them before anyone else does“.

Then for the next couple of days I’m stalking my mailbox like a crackhead, waiting for my delivery.

I felt guilty every time I paid an invoice, but the guilt was overshadowed by the excitement of my new arrival. I was acting out compulsively – just like I did while using. “But Tiffany it’s not the same, these are leggings not drugs-” trust me, it’s the same. I know my mind and the way it works, it was becoming a problem.

But it didn’t stop there.

I was buying jewelry, face creams, hand creams, lotions, fancy shampoos and make-up. I justified it by telling myself  “girl, you deserve it! You work so hard for your family and you never do anything for yourself“. While it’s true, I do deserve a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ from time to time, this was more than that. I was being carelessly frivolous with my funds, and not playing the tape all the way through.

I am a huge fan of helping local moms support their families, but in turn, I need to ensure I am contributing as much as possible to my own.

I was buying things to make me feel good.

To make me feel good temporarily.  I was spending money I don’t have, on material things to make me feel different, and the moment I got something in the mail, I was already looking forward to buying something else to match it – even though it wasn’t necessary.  If that isn’t my bastard addiction trying to inch his way back into my life  – I don’t know what is.

It’s not just purchasing things, I over-eat, and I under-eat, I have short bursts of motivation and low moments of laziness.  Up until my revelation about how wonderful my shape is just the way it is, I was battling with my self-confidence. If you saw my post about my Facebook memory of when I was thin, than you know that the way I felt about my body completely changed in that instant, and it truly has made a difference in the way I view myself in the mirror.

I am nowhere near perfect, and this is why I always tell you guys to “take the things I say with a grain of salt”. I’m not a recovered addict, I am a recovering addict. I am a work in progress and until my last day on earth, I will never stop trying to better myself.

I am grateful to the program for equipping me with the tools that allow me to recognize when I am acting out on my addiction.  The only way to fix a problem is to acknowledge it and I certainly have.

I have left almost all of my “Clothing” groups, I have spoken with my husband about how I feel, that way there is some accountability and I am prepared to start searching inward to discover what it is that caused me to try and make myself feel better with new things.

When a phone runs out of battery and dies, the only way to get it to work again is to plug it in.  I need to plug back in to my connection with God.  I have allowed life to get in the way of the relationship I’d created with him, and I can feel it. I have begun rebuilding it and I know that he will give me everything I need to feel complete.

Thank you all for allowing me this outlet to vent and process my emotions.  Being able to get honest, and get my thoughts out of my head and onto “paper” has been incredibly therapeutic. I love you all more than you know and appreciate your unwavering support of my journey.

XOXO

 

15 comments

  1. Reminder – we are not terminally unique. You nailed the description of addiction & it’s changing faces. I have the shop and click problem too. Wish i knew how to be ok with what I have. Can’t find that sweet space, after all these years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh glad to hear I’m not alone. Shopping has become so convenient, you just move your thumb and things are at your doorstep.

      Removing myself from groups was rewarding. Like I was virtually changing my “people, places and things” ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I first caught the eyebrows video and watched out of curiosity. Now, I am hooked. I, too, deleted the 15,000 clothing line Facebook pages, but now find myself in a new business of selling makeup. Problem is, I had to have a ridiculous amount of inventory to sell it which now means $$$ out of pocket. Say what? Yup, compulsivity again. Never was a drug addict, but I am surely compulsive and an addict in other ways. I’d like to know the real root of the “addiction” problem. We find what hole we are trying to fill or void in our life, we might be able to solve this dilemma. The most on point statement you said was your need to reconnect with God. Ditto that Sista. Maybe God is the foundation we need to solve the rest of the mess? Keep doin’ what you are doin’. You have talent my friend. Thank you for making me smile and chuckle. You are the best! 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww haha the good ol eyebrow vid. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it! You are exactly right, getting to the root of the problem would certainly stop me from trying to fill a void with material things. Maybe im going through a midlife crisis 😂

      Like

  3. Oh man. Thanks, I didn’t expect to burst into tears from a blog post, but here we are. lol. I actually haven’t seen the infamous eyebrow video yet, but I DID see the teachers then+now video on my feed, something told me to click to your page (I rarely ever do that), and it’s always insane to me how the world works. I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m 2 years sober, working the program, and I also have a blog that I recently started up (bloominash.com)!

    I’m saving your blog and sharing it on my page, you have made me laugh (with your first blog post about Edna lollll) and cry (with this post, damnit) all within 30 minutes and that’s just crazy. Anyway. Off to stalk, er I mean, check out your page and blog further and find that eyebrow video!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahah omg i love you. You are so sweet congrats on your sobriety, i know what an incredible feat that is!!!! I really appreciate you stalk–, um reading my stuff and i cant wait to check yours out!!! ❤❤❤❤

      Like

  4. First and foremost, I want to say “Thank you” for your gut wrenching honesty. In this day & age of people playing “Perfect” and wearing our masks of “Perfect” people it’s refreshing to see & feel such truth. I am someone that is currently battling addiction with pills from issues of Chronic pain that doctors have told me will be a lifetime ordeal. Unless God heals me I know pain is a sidekick that I will never get rid of. What started out as taking the pills to help with the pain has now taken over to not being able to function without them. Yes, the pain is real and I know I need the relief but when the month has more days in it than the bottle has pills I can’t believe this is my life. I’m a wife, a mother…one who has had this secret life for over 8 years and I fear the claws of addiction will never release me. I stumbled on one of your videos this morning and 2 hours later I find myself still scrolling through your FB & now reading your blog. My soul cried out, “She knows!!” (How does that sound for a bit over dramatic?) I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I’m praying that God helps me to overcome and to find myself getting things under control. Until then, I just wanted to reach out to say “Thank you” and let you know you are helping someone with your truths. To no longer reach for a pill bottle in order “to do life” is a sincere desire for me and I’m praying it becomes reality. I’ll be reading, watching and cheering you on as I struggle with my own demons. Thank you…

    Like

    • Wow Danielle, thank you for your kind words.

      I have never suffered from chronic pain but have heard countless horror stories.

      “When the month has more days in it than the bottle has pills” gave me chills. I can so relate.

      I am so sorry for the pain (both mental and physical) that you are experiencing. I wish i could hug you.

      For what its worth, you are not alone and i will be here anytime you need to chat or vent. The lord has been known to work incredible miracles and i will pray that you recieve yours.

      Thank you for sharing your story with me and for taking the time to read my blog.

      Sending so much love your way! Xo

      Like

  5. Girl I know that feeling! I have been clean for 19 months now, but about 6 months into my recovery I started “selling” perfectly posh products. I still have roughly $500 worth of product in my closet, because I’m not a good “seller” I then moved on to the lula track, then I decided I needed high end makeup in my life. We are a low income family with 3 children & I was spending money that we didn’t have on things I didn’t need. Justifying it with the same little voice in my head as you, I work hard for my family I deserve something for me. Now I have about 3z4 years worth of ME TIME stuff to use, LOL. Bath bombs, lotions, scrubs, eyeshadow palettes up the waa-zoo and no time to use the stuff LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So much this. I needed this today. October makes me clean 17 years. But I’m an addict. I don’t use drugs but I, like this blog find myself compromising my life & family and “chasing the dragon”.
    I appreciate you tiff. I’ve been reading (catching up on your blog all morning and then this happened.
    I’ll be at the unicon next month and honestly, you are the reason.
    Since your video about addicts, I fell in love with you. No, not like that but you genuinely have a price of my heart. My husband and I are recovering addicts and I’m a mom of 2 active addict adult children. One just released from prison last year this time and back in a program 3 days ago and my other one in Atascadero.
    I want to escape. Not necessarily use but I f***k up by chasing unicorn leggings and other bullshit too.
    Any ways, you may never see this but it’s nice to confess to something lol who gets it and loves God and if you ever did see this, wouldn’t judge me.
    You’re a blessing tiff.
    Lotsa love,
    -me

    Liked by 1 person

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