Two Faced – My Secret Life. Chapter #2.

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish, and I want you to be excited with meeee!
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

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My “Ah-S**t” Moment.

Hey everyone!

So I haven’t written in a bit and my fingers have been itching to get some thoughts down on paper.  Whew, what a crazy week it’s been, huh? Since I posted my “Eyebrow Stamp” video on my Facebook Page, things have been poppin’ off!  I have gained like 700 something new followers and my vids are being shared all over the place.

It has been super fun to see how many moms can relate to my shenanigans, and I’m grateful for the platform I’ve been given to let other hardworking moms know that they are not alone in the obstacles that pop up while facing the daunting task of raising children.

Speaking of, is anyone familiar with having an “Ah-ha” moment? It’s a moment of sudden insight or discovery.  We have all had one at some point or another and when we do, it can change everything.

This morning, I experienced something similar, except it was more of an “Ah-S**t” moment.

I was suddenly overcome with the realization that I f***ed up, and upon experiencing this revelation, I knew something had to change, and quick.  Here’s what happened.

I woke my son up for school, and instead of greeting me with a “Good morning, mommy”, he began shrieking as if I was tearing his limbs off one by one.

“Hey, woah, calm down buddy, it’s time to get up” I gently whispered, rubbing his back.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t do dat! Lee me awone!” he wailed, rolling over and ignoring me.

I nervously glance out the bedroom door and see Chloe running around with a chocolate chip waffle she stole off her brothers plate, smearing chocolate all over the walls and sofa while Aubrey is yelling across the house about how she can’t find her back pack.

Deep breath, Momma,  you got this.

“Kaiden, get up. Now” I said sternly this time. The clock was ticking and my anxiety was rising.

No! Top it. Weave me awone!”

“You want a waffle, Bud?”

“No!”

“If you wake up now you can have a lollipop on the way to school”

“Noooooo!!! Goooo away!”

“Honey, you have to get up.  You wanna watch Mickey?” I said as a last resort, (he could never say no to Mickey).

He jumped up with a huge smile, “Mickey!?” He squealed.

“Ya Buddy, c’mon, if you get dressed you can watch Mickey”.

He began crying again, and not wanting to further damage my ear drums that were already ringing from his shrieks, I quickly grabbed the remote.

“Okay, okay, easy.  You can watch Mickey while Mommy gets you dressed” I said, scrambling to pull up OnDemand.

When Mickey began playing, I looked at the smile on his face and was overcome with relief.  Thank God, I couldn’t bear to take another second of —   then it hit me.  Ah-S**t…..

I messed up.  I messed up bad.  Not just today.  Everyday. All the time.

My.Son.Is.Spoiled.

I have spoiled him.  In every sense of the word. And it took me this long to realize, I had been messing up.  I’m sure most of you reading this realized it right away, but I hadn’t.  My love for this little dude blinded me.  He’d been taking advantage of me the whole time.

I glanced out the door at my girls.  Aubrey had gotten herself dressed to the shoes and was sitting quietly on the couch.  Chloe was sitting in the middle of the floor giggling and munching on a waffle. Meanwhile, My son, Kim Kardashian, was staring mindlessly at the T.V. while his servant quietly dressed him, careful not to disturb him.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

This kid is two freakin’ years old! He is not the boss, I am, so why the hell do I let him dictate how this morning is going to go down? On his terms?

It was as if I had been slapped across the face by the invisible ‘Common Sense’ fairy. Suddenly everything became clear and I realized not only am I enabling this kid to act like a jerk, but his sisters are watching, and I’m giving them a front row seat to the movie “How To Get What You Want By Acting Like An Asshole“.

With a newfound determination I bounded over to the T.V. and shut it off.

“HEYYYYYYYY?!” Kaiden screamed as he collapsed onto the bed kicking his little legs in frustration.

“No, I don’t care, there’s a new Sheriff in town, Buddy, so you better buckle up yer britches ‘cuz things are a’changin ’round here”, I said.

(Okay, I didn’t say that, but when my life is made into a movie that’s  how I want my line to go).

I literally dragged him into the van kicking and screaming.  He screamed the entire ride to his sister’s school, and then daycare.  When I unbuckled him he was covered in sweat and tears and continued to protest until I threw him at his teachers and ran full speed out the door like I was being chased by a swarm of hornets, arms flailing and everything.

I sat quietly in the van for a moment, replaying the mornings events in my head while taking deep, slow breaths in an attempt to slow my blood pressure down. This isn’t the first time this has happened, it happens often.

Wanting to “give myself a break” I thrust a snack into his hand or throw him in front of a T.V. so that I can have a few moments of peace. But this kid is smarter than I realized and over time he has learned that the ear-piercing shrieks and tears will get him exactly what he wants, every time.

I love seeing his eyes light up when he gets something he wants, it makes my soul happy to see my baby happy. But holy s***, he is turning into a bit of an a-hole and there’s no way in hell I’m putting up with 16 more years of this crap.

So, after I write this, I have a plan of action.  I am finally doing what I said I’d never do – I’m making a damn schedule for this family.

My laziness and love of spontaneity has kept me from creating a set list of things we are to do at certain times. I have always been a fan of “seeing where the day takes us”, but I realize now, that this leaves room for chaos and rebellion, and I need to nip this thing in the bud, (butt? is it bud or butt?) before it’s too late.

There will be set times we eat.

Minimal screen time depending on behavior throughout the day.

We will have set homework, reading, bath and play times.

And I will be more diligent in bed times.

I am expecting it to be difficult, exhausting and stressful. It’s gonna suck.  A lot.

But, I have faith that it will pay off in the end.  There’s a difference between making their lives “fun”, and “letting them run the show”, and I have been blurring those lines a bit.

So as I set of to begin the task of organizing the days into a schedule, I ask for prayers and luck to be sent my way.  Because as usual, I have no clue what the f*** I’m doing.

Also, if anyone has any advice, tips, or tricks that work for your routines, please help a sista out and leave them in the comments below.

Lastly, if anyone has the number to Nanny 911, I’ll take that too….

XOXO

Two Faced – My Secret Life. Chapter #1

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish, and I want you to be excited with meeee!
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

120 Days In- My Time In Jail. The Final Chapter.

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish, and I want you to be excited with meeee!
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

My Drug Of Choice Is More – A Confession.

Hey buds!

I’m sitting here with a fancy avocado mask on my face, trying my best to stay looking like I’m 21 for as long as possible.  But I need to get something off my chest. I have always believed in being completely transparent with you all, ‘cuz you’re my peoples.  So I need to make a confession.

If you are a recovering addict, chances are you have heard the expression “my drug of choice is more“.  Listen.  It’s a real thing.  My addiction has been manifesting itself in sneaky ways, and it took me a minute to realize it.

While I’m not shooting dope in an alley and stealing from my loved ones; I am still acting like an active addict, making spontaneous and compulsive decisions, without considering the consequences.

For a little (long) while there,  I was scrolling through countless “Online clothing company” albums, wide-eyed and licking my lips, making purchases I couldn’t afford.

Gah, I really need gas in the car but holy s**t, would you look at the floral pattern on those leggings.  I better buy them before anyone else does“.

Then for the next couple of days I’m stalking my mailbox like a crackhead, waiting for my delivery.

I felt guilty every time I paid an invoice, but the guilt was overshadowed by the excitement of my new arrival. I was acting out compulsively – just like I did while using. “But Tiffany it’s not the same, these are leggings not drugs-” trust me, it’s the same. I know my mind and the way it works, it was becoming a problem.

But it didn’t stop there.

I was buying jewelry, face creams, hand creams, lotions, fancy shampoos and make-up. I justified it by telling myself  “girl, you deserve it! You work so hard for your family and you never do anything for yourself“. While it’s true, I do deserve a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ from time to time, this was more than that. I was being carelessly frivolous with my funds, and not playing the tape all the way through.

I am a huge fan of helping local moms support their families, but in turn, I need to ensure I am contributing as much as possible to my own.

I was buying things to make me feel good.

To make me feel good temporarily.  I was spending money I don’t have, on material things to make me feel different, and the moment I got something in the mail, I was already looking forward to buying something else to match it – even though it wasn’t necessary.  If that isn’t my bastard addiction trying to inch his way back into my life  – I don’t know what is.

It’s not just purchasing things, I over-eat, and I under-eat, I have short bursts of motivation and low moments of laziness.  Up until my revelation about how wonderful my shape is just the way it is, I was battling with my self-confidence. If you saw my post about my Facebook memory of when I was thin, than you know that the way I felt about my body completely changed in that instant, and it truly has made a difference in the way I view myself in the mirror.

I am nowhere near perfect, and this is why I always tell you guys to “take the things I say with a grain of salt”. I’m not a recovered addict, I am a recovering addict. I am a work in progress and until my last day on earth, I will never stop trying to better myself.

I am grateful to the program for equipping me with the tools that allow me to recognize when I am acting out on my addiction.  The only way to fix a problem is to acknowledge it and I certainly have.

I have left almost all of my “Clothing” groups, I have spoken with my husband about how I feel, that way there is some accountability and I am prepared to start searching inward to discover what it is that caused me to try and make myself feel better with new things.

When a phone runs out of battery and dies, the only way to get it to work again is to plug it in.  I need to plug back in to my connection with God.  I have allowed life to get in the way of the relationship I’d created with him, and I can feel it. I have begun rebuilding it and I know that he will give me everything I need to feel complete.

Thank you all for allowing me this outlet to vent and process my emotions.  Being able to get honest, and get my thoughts out of my head and onto “paper” has been incredibly therapeutic. I love you all more than you know and appreciate your unwavering support of my journey.

XOXO

 

120 Days In – My Time In Jail. Chapter #22

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish, and I want you to be excited with meeee!
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

Tonight Was Awesome.

I just got home from a meeting and had to sit down and document the way I feel, because I want to remember this feeling forever.

This evening at the NA meeting, I had the privilege of sharing my story in front of a room full of people in early recovery.

I have been a speaker at meetings countless times, and it is always the same.  The nerves begin to get to me a few moments before I’m introduced.  My heart starts pounding and my hands begin to shake.

I pull out the “worry stone” my father gave me as a gift to help calm my nerves, and I begin rubbing it between my fingers.

Once I am introduced and everyone begins clapping, a take a deep breath and say a quick prayer, asking God to speak through me and allow me to carry whatever message he wants to share to the people listening.

Tonight I spoke at a rehab facility. I imagined these people had a regular day, filled with meetings and cafeteria food and cigarette smoking, so I really wanted to shake things up and get their attention. Add some excitement to their day.

I begin sharing my story, briefly speaking on my childhood, then I jump to high school.  When I tell them about what happens 2 months after my first drink, the all gasp in surprise. That was it, the moment their ears perked up and they began actually listening.

I didn’t want to speak at them, I wanted to speak to them, through them. I wanted my words to slip into their mind and take residency there, I didn’t want my message to go in one ear and out the other.

They begin leaning up in their seats, listening intently as I make a conscious effort to make eye contact with each person in that room as I speak. I want them to feel important, they are important.

As I take them on a journey through my life, the terrible things that happened, that I did, then get to the part about my rock bottom – you could hear a pin drop.

They were invested, desperate to know how the story ended.

I explain to them how every single choice I made upon my arrest was life altering.  The smallest step in one direction changed everything, the Butterfly Effect.

When I got to the “now”, the way my life is today, the gratitude I feel, my children, my home, the person I have become, I grow emotional.  I noticed others feel the same as I see a few people wipe hopeful tears away.

When I finish they all applaud and begin raising their hands to ask questions and thank me personally for coming and sharing my story.

I have moved some of them, I have inspired them, I have sparked a flame of hope in their hearts. This is my purpose.  This is why all of the terrible things that happened, happened.

So that I can stand in front of a room full of people and say “I have been where you are, and I know the way out”.

I feel high on life in this moment. The gratitude is overwhelming. I am so lucky to have been given a second chance at life today, and to be able to give back what was so freely given to me.

I have shared my story many times in the past at various facilities and meetings, but tonight was different, God was definitely present tonight, I could feel it, I truly believe he moved through each of us.

The newcomers in that meeting may feel like I was able to inspire them and offer hope, but they don’t realize that they helped me more than I could ever help them.  They are working on changing their lives and have no idea the beautiful plan God is orchestrating for them as we speak.

To see the uncertainty in their eyes, the nervousness of the unknown, the anticipation and trepidation of what comes next reminded me of where I came from. I felt that way once.

On my way home I said a prayer for everyone in that room.  That they are able to fight for their recovery and overcome the demons that are trying to take their lives.

I feel blessed, honored and humbled tonight, thankful for my new life, and the miracles that God continues to show me on a daily basis.

I want to remember this feeling forever, this high, it’s better than any high I ever experienced while using.  I’m high on life, man.

I Applaud You, Mother Hustler.

Hey friends!

You know that moment, when your walking through the mall, minding your own business, and all the sudden in your peripheral vision you see a person beginning to approach you from a kiosk.  You try to avoid eye contact and pick up the pace of your step, in an attempt to visually convey the fact that you are not interested in whatever the hell they’re about to ambush you with?

“Free sample?” they blurt as you pass, holding out an object to lure you into a sales pitch.  Ugh, that’s the worst, right? Talk about pressure.  I mean, you aren’t interested in what they are selling, but you don’t want to feel like a jerk by rejecting them either.  It’s a tough spot to be in, when all you wanted was a pretzel and some new shoes.

Sometimes, it can feel like this exact same scenario plays out on a place most of us spend a lot of time — Facebook.

There you are, scrolling along, minding your own business when all the sudden, you get a message in your inbox.

It’s from someone trying to sell you something. Be it directly or inadvertently, their mission is the same, to get you to purchase their product. 

Unsure of what I’m talking about? Here’s a few examples:

Now, I have seen many people ranting on Facebook about this issue, understandably. I can understand the frustration of having your inbox look like this (this isn’t even the half of it).   If you aren’t interested, you aren’t interested – I get it, I really do.  But the thing is, each of these people was unaware that the others had done the same thing. How could they know?

I feel the need to make a few quick points about this situation.  Not to change peoples minds, but instead to make them think twice before lashing out against those who are trying to grow their business. Here are some things I think about when responding to the influx of messages I receive.

They are supporting a family. Lularoe, ItWorks, Thrive, LipSense, Nerium, Isagenix, Limelight, Plunder and Paprazzi Accessories – just to name a few – are companies that allow people to generate extra income for their families – from home.

One of the toughest things that a mother (especially of a newborn) has to do is return to work after giving birth to a child. It’s heartbreaking for a mom to have to leave her heart at home and walk out the door without it, I know from experience.

These companies allow mothers to spend more time at home with their children, while still managing to generate much needed income for their family. They are able to use social media – the most easily accessible form of networking – to get their product out there and into the hands of the consumers quickly and easily.

Side-Hustle. Some of the people who sell these products aren’t always mothers.  This day in age it seems oftentimes the middle class (like myself) are working SO HARD to move forward and make ends meet, but we often find ourselves running in place and getting nowhere, living paycheck to paycheck.

Some people have decided to take it upon themselves to do something about it.  They have started their own business and are working furiously day and night to get their product out into the world, in exchange for a small profit which they can use toward a down payment on a home, or groceries or car payments.  They aren’t doing it just for fun – it’s their livelihood.

Believe it or not, they don’t want to stalk you. I don’t personally sell anything, but I am close to many people who do.  After numerous conversations with some of them I can tell you, that they don’t want to bug you about their stuff.  They really don’t.

They don’t wake up in the morning and say “Oh man, I can’t wait to see how many people I can piss off and annoy today, it’s gonna be great!”

It goes more something like this: “Rent is due in 2 days and despite the fact that my husband has been busting his ass at work this week, it’s still gonna be tight.  If I can sell a couple ( insert product here) today it will help tremendously”.

OR,

“Oh my gosh I can’t believe how good I am feeling and how much energy I have because of this (insert product here). I really need to tell my friends about it so they can feel this good too!”

It takes a lot of balls, tenacity and motivation to put yourself and your business out there,  facing the risk of being ridiculed and rejected.  But they continue to do it because they are passionate about it, and that deserves praise. You don’t have to buy it, you can tell them you aren’t interested, hell you can even unfollow them – but bear in mind that their goal isn’t to lose a friend, it’s to do whatever they can to raise awareness about what they’re selling.

They believe in the product. Listen, if someone dedicates their life to a company or product, and spends countless hours purchasing, organizing, promoting, invoicing and networking – it’s not because they think the product sucks and doesn’t work.  They wouldn’t give so much of themselves, if they didn’t truly believe in their heart that what they are selling is quality and will be enjoyed by the consumers.

I personally get genuine enjoyment from supporting my friends in their business ventures.  I would rather make purchases from people I love, knowing exactly where my money is going. as oppose to a big box retailer who’s CEO is currently parking his private jet in the backyard of his mansion and has no clue I even exist.

I applaud anyone who busts their ass to do something positive for their loved ones, who doesn’t rely on others to support them and does whatever they can to build a successful future.

I understand the frustration these sales pitches may cause some of you, and to be honest I think there are a few people out there who go overboard, and give the rest of them a bad name.  Don’t let a few bad apples spoil the bunch.

I sincerely hope that you will take all of these things into consideration the next time someone approaches you about something.  If you aren’t interested, let them know.  You don’t have to be a jerkface about it. A simple “No thank you” will suffice.

And for you business owners out there, if someone does say “No thank you”, leave it at that. No need to question their decision or try to convince them – that’s when you cross over into the stalker category, people.

If you sell a product I would love for you to leave a link to your business in the comments.  I think you are wonderful for doing what you do and I will always support you. Not always financially though, my husband is getting tired of my shit….