It’s been nearly twelve years since I began recovering. I didn’t think of my issue as an addiction until now. I didn’t realize how much I relied on cutting as a coping mechanism. I self-harmed and I’m recovering. But not every day is an easy day. There are days where I long for the pain.
I’ve never discussed my story, not in its entirety. Maybe, because even after 12 years I don’t understand it.
I can’t remember how it started, but I do remember self-harming in elementary school. I stopped for a while until I reached high school.
My grandmother whom was like a second mother to me passed away just before I started high school and my parents went through a nasty divorce. So, my world had completely shifted. I was angry, sad and lost. I had friends but no one to talk to that would understand.
I remember starting off hitting myself, leaving bruises. I remember taking shaving razors apart to use the blades to make small cuts. Then there were more cuts. The more I did it, the more I NEEDED to do it.
I remember the first time I cut myself with a box cutter. The deepest I had ever cut myself. I looked at it with utter fascination… and I wanted more. Id wake up and cut myself before school and Id come home and cut myself after. Hundreds of cuts at any given time. Forced to wear long sleeves and arm warmers when it was hot.
My turning point was in chemistry class when we were learning to use the burners. Students weren’t allowed to wear long sleeves during the class so of course this was an issue since I was covering fresh wounds from the morning.
After going to the guidance office and speaking with a counselor, they called my mother and we set up an appointment with a psychologist. After being seen they prescribed me medication as a quick fix, which it wasn’t.
The adjusting it took to get used to the medicine almost set me over the edge. I was worse than ever before, cutting deeper to the point where I tried killing myself. I laid on the floor with slowly bleeding wrists, but they closed on their own.
Once I got passed the initial adjustment of the medication it actually started to do its job. I was happy again and I started to feel normal. And I can say that I wouldn’t be here without it.
It’s been 12 years and I’m doing okay. I regret how I treated my mother in my dark days and even now I still have them here and there.
I had one slip up when I was feeling overwhelmed two years ago. I was only lightly cutting myself until one night I cut so deep that it wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was a big scare for me since it went too far and since then I haven’t done it.
Since high school I’ve been happily married for nine years and I have two adorable boys that are my entire world! I have lost 160 pounds, graduated college with a bachelor’s in Social work, I’m a distance runner and working towards getting my personal trainers license.
There are days where it’s a challenge. It’s hard to inspire others when you need help too. There are days where I just want to sit back and hide… but the messages I get from my followers telling me how much I inspire them helps keep me going.
I cannot convey my whole story, but to the teenagers in this world, it gets better! You can survive it. You’re not crazy. You are stronger than what you think. We all are! You can do whatever you set your mind to. You’re not alone and when you talk to that guidance counselor.
Cutting isn’t something that gets publicized and unless you’ve lived it, there isn’t a lot to say to those that have. But, you aren’t alone, there is so much beauty in the world and you deserve to experience it.
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