Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Thank you for sharing this.Today My mother passed 15 years ago. The last of any part of someone who knew my childhood. All aunts uncles and Grandparents. To explain the emptiness I felt to my husband at that time and was hard . This is the first time I heard any one that had close to the same feelings. Your words were comforting. Thank you
Tiffany, thank you for sharing this with us. I am at a loss for words. I was reminded of my Dads passing in Nov. I know you don’t need to hear it from me, but I think you are such an amazing, strong, and beautiful person. My thoughts are with you during this, and all, seasons you may share of your life. You are a true inspiration. Take care.
I lost my fiancee,soulmate and love of my life on Christmas day 2019 to cancer. I know how your how your heart must ache. Hospice came in 4 days before he passed. He was a fighter. We were blessed to be able to have some beautiful moments staring into each other’s eyes knowing what each other was thinking and feeling. God bless you and your family and cherish those memories 💜
Tiffany , thank you for sharing your story. I lost my husband in November of 2021 and, I too, know the bitter feeling of regret for things left unsaid. He was a step-parent to my 2 sons. A wonderful man that took care of them as his own their biological dad’s could not step up.
I’m sorry for your loss. The story was very heartbreaking and comforting all at once. If that makes sense ! Keep on doing what you do. I love game night with you and Paris btw. 😊
By dad has chf and in final stage. We don’t know how much longer he will be with us. In my heart it won’t be much longer. Thank you for showing so much strength, love, compassion. Your lived ones look far beyond you addiction. They loved you for you. Stay strong and know in their eyes you were perfect.❤️
Thank you for sharing. This year my mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer in her lung. My 36th birthday was Feb 26th she got admitted in the hospital Feb 28th. Two weeks in the hosp, she got moved to a rehab center. Two weeks later she was admitted back to the hospital. The cancer has spread to her liver and a week after it showed up in her brain. They gave her six weeks. She is now on her 5 radiation treatment to by more time. But she is not doing well.
Watching your best friend the person you talked to everyday not be sure who you are is hard. Writing this alone made me feel a little better. Thank you for creating a space to share and be apart of your life.
That is so beautifully said Sue. ❤️
Beautiful! I am sad that you’re going through this and understand you’re feelings. I too have lost both my parents and my sister and several friends through the years. I’ve told the kids, “always be sure the people you love know what they me to you” thank you for sharing, you will get through this! Stay strong, stay sober!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s heartbreaking to read but yet also healing at the same time. I lost my Dad in 2012 when I was 25 and my mom 6 months ago, now I’m 34. They both left this world very suddenly and the shock of it hasn’t worn off. I never got the opportunity to say goodbye or tell them anything in their final hours. Regardless of our situations being different your post still really resonates with me. Especially these words: “Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.” Thank you for this, and thank you for the good cry. I hope you and your family can grieve and heal and hold on too all the beautiful memories you’ve created, so so sorry for your loss. You bring so much laughter and joy to peoples lives keep pushing forward and do what you do best. Thoughts are with you. ❤️
The anniversary of my husband’s rebirth in Heaven is the day before my mother’s. This year, her anniversary falls on Mother’s Day which is mentally one of the most twisted days ever. I sympathize with you. All I can offer is the grace, comfort, and peace that Gid can give. Make yourself keep his memory alive. He’ll be watching! Lots of love!
Thank you so much for sharing. I lost my dad suddenly in 2018, and never got to say goodbye. I held his hand while he was on full life support, and I was so angry and so upset.. he promised me he wasn’t going anywhere, and he would be home in 7 days, I cried at him to open his eyes, but he was already gone.. I wish I could’ve said the things I needed say, as we were incredibly close.. I just want thank you, as you are one of the strongest women I know (well not personally, but you know..)
I so appreciate you sharing your experiences as I have done the same when my mom passed. There have been so many should have could have would have moments. She was my first loss and I didn’t quite know how to deal with it during or after. It took a long time to feel comfort in knowing she is at peace and hears me when I need her. Love to your family during this difficult time.
I work in hospice care as a music therapist. I am so fiercely proud of all you shared with your second Dad and for sharing it here. It can be such a special time as you said and making the moments count is what it’s all about. Hugs and thanks again ❤️
Reading this made me cry. I lost my mom 2 years ago, and at times it feels like yesterday. Losing someone so close DOES change you forever. I have come to realize people who have not lost do not know how it feels. The difficulty, the loneliness, sadness, emotional rollercoaster. Thank you for sharing. I’m so happy to hear you got to say everything you wanted. To those that you didn’t talk to, they know.
Absolutely in tears. Thank you so much for sharing. My heart aches for you! Even tho you tried to leave emotions out knowing you from watching you so long I can just picture how hard this was to write and how many things you wrote and erased and rewrote over again. You’re incredible and inspiring! please stay strong ♡
Thanks for sharing this and as someone who has lost my 32 year-old son very suddenly, not to mention an enormous amount of other folk, I have learned in my 64 years that I never leave or allow myself to exit ANY interaction, without saying, “I love you”, so I can say with certainty it was the last thing I said to my son.
In addition, I get to remember that I was honored to have parented this gorgeous soul for as long as I did have him, and that the reason I have lost so many people in this life is because I have loved and been loved by so many, and for those things I am eternally grateful. I have learned that my loved ones are only one thought, one breath, or one heartbeat away at all times so there is no such thing as leaving anything “unsaid” because all I have to do is say it or even think it and they are here to listen.
May God be with you through all of your losses and I promise I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt there will be a wonderful celebration and home coming when you cross over!
Mrs. Jenkins,
No words can ever really cover what we mean to say, nor help with the quite overwhelming and most heartfelt feelings of losing a loved one. In my life so far, of 28 years of age, I too- have lost several loved ones. Some were hospice, some very sudden. Others I had a tiny bit of warning. However, the biggest thing in this situation is the time you need for yourself. Taking the time to always be able to take the steps to grieve. (Taking my own advice isn’t always what I do) But your fans are always here. You always do things for others- you owe no one an explanation when something goes unsteady. You always come first in your world (along with your children & family.) With that being said, I do wish you a full and clear mental and physical recovery as to the best of your ability soon, my condolences to you and your loved ones, but most importantly, remember that there is no obligation to rush yourself. Stay sober as always, as you’ve helped me and billions of others and I hope you are doing well!
I have tears in my eyes as I read this, I’m not even sure of the right words to say. You are not alone, many people are praying for you and your family.
I know what you have gone through Tiffany. I have gone through it too. Just as it took you a long time to realize there is life after addiction, I had to learn the hard way there is life after incredible, devastating, soul tearing loss. My mom left us December 10 of 2015. Then a little less than two years later, on October 8, 2017 I laid beside my husband in our bed as he stepped out of this world. Death wasn’t done though. I spent January 9th and January 10 of 2021 in a nursing home, sitting beside my dad’s bed, waiting. I watched him take his last breath on January 11th. Between ages 41 and 46, I became both a widow and an orphan.
I know how ugly a word “hospice” is. It does mean what we think it means, that very soon we will lose a part of ourselves. The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was to call a hospice service for my husband. He was only 53, I was only 43, but somehow I wound up holding the last few days of his life in my hands. How does life come down to that? It just does, that’s how. It just does. So now I volunteer for that same hospice service. I sit beside people who have reached their end. I do it so their loved ones can be comforted knowing someone was there, someone who cared very deeply, someone who understood the truth, that this was a very important person and not just a body in a bed. I do it because I can, and so they don’t have to.
I wish I could reach through this screen and give you the Best Hug Ever. Among the chaos that came along with the pandemic, so did the beginning of losing my gram. The day she had her stroke was the day they started implementing strict rules with visitors at the hospital and nursing homes. I was lucky enough to hold her hand and talk to her and kiss her cheek that first day. My grandma was a hugger- the kind of genuine warm embrace that says everything without saying anything. She truly had so much love to give, and she never gave up on me when others had. She believed in me when I stopped believing in myself. She was a big part of the reason I am still here today. I wish I had done more for her. We said goodbye in person at the hospital, without realizing the next 9 months would be spent visiting on opposite sides of a window, unable to comfort her physically- which I think contributed to her decline. Little by little, she slipped away. We felt helpless, but we showed up no matter how cold it was outside. Last winter she contracted COVID and we received a call that we should come say our goodbyes. Ironically, this was the first time we were able to be at her bedside. It was heart wrenching and our time was limited. We had 20 minutes to say everything we needed to, donning masks and gowns and gloves-we told her how much she was loved. I felt so much more, but couldn’t find the words. I secretly slipped off a glove and held her hand. She slipped away early the next morning. It’s been over a year now and the hurt lingers all the same.
I think sharing stories and talking about the ones we love who are no longer here are what keeps them alive. My gram was 94 and I think her life was full. She hated the nursing home (and we hated that we weren’t equipped with what would’ve been necessary to take her home… it was impossible) so there’s a small amount of solace in knowing she no longer had to endure that place. She wasn’t suffering anymore. I miss her deeply. I talk about her all the time… it’s my way of making sure a piece of her lives on. 💕
I’m sorry that you’ve endured so much loss. The strength that one must have to battle addiction while dealing with a bunch of sh*t life throws at you is no small fete. I think you’re an incredibly smart, funny, genuine human being who is making a difference by talking about addiction and mental health and parenting. 💕
My heart goes out to you and your family. I can relate but by no means ever know how this has impacted you and your babies. I lost my Dad January 22, 2018 to type 1 Diabetes suddenly….never got to say goodbye then quite shockingly and suddenly, we found my mom passed away in her home on April 27, 2018. The anger, the blame, the grief and pain… undescribable and more intense than anything I have EVER experienced. A few years passed, my job of four years had to close it’s doors due to covid. So I tried working for a Hospice/Geriatric home for three months, caring for 10 end of life/elderly patients. Tho I love helping people and I grew to care for each and every one….I couldn’t handle it….the reminder of my own losses plus the bond lost. Take your time, hug and cherish your babies and husband and sister and NEVER accept or let anyone tell you there is a certain time limit to grieve. Do you boo….we will be here when your ready.
This story felt like you were living this through me I shared your message with my family because basically I couldn’t explain to them that’s how I feel all that is going on with me like you did I couldn’t listen without crying; much less spoken when I listen to you I finally don’t feel alone mental tornado I have in my head but has I know he beside holding me up at times like these always I’m at peace in my heart pulled me thru I call it “ had the wind knocked of me or visiting crazy town just dropping by for a visit can’t stay long because no one knows I’m MIA! Sorry for rambling I’m from Arkansas enough said.🙄? But thank you Tiffany and everyone else for the beautiful input there’s a silver lining it may be hard to see but it’s there bless all of you peace ✌️.
Thank you for writing this. As a CNA I held the hads of many residents who have passed. Treated them as a human being when they passed. The last 2 years alone I have lost my husband ( died at home unexpectedly), January lost my father to Covid. My mother in law, 3 uncles. The only death that really bothers me the most is my husband’s because I was not able to say goodbye.
My dearest Tiffany you are a wonderfully strong person never question who you are where you come from why you cry or why you did or didn’t do something in or out of your addiction , your addiction is not you although it was at one point a part of you it doesn’t define you , you are who you are because of it no less no more , but you are stronger , wiser , more loving, more understanding, more compassionate because of what you went through and forgiving yourself will come . I’m very happy you shared your story it was very beautiful and I’m so happy you had closure and I hope at this difficult time you find some peace , I’m so very sorry for your loss . I also am a addict a recovering addict and I totally understand how you feel and you touched my heart so much just don’t get to down on yourself or to depressed remember you have family here that love you blood doesn’t always make you family , please make time for yourself and validate your own feelings when you need to if you feel like screaming then scream or yell whatever gets you through love you lots …….sending prayers and hugs and lots of love 💗
thank you for sharing something So personal the comforting. It made me cry of lost 2 people to hospice My grandfather not biological biological but the only grandfather I knew on my mother’s side mother biological grandfather father’s life in prison for 2 murders But a i witnessed hospice And learned that pretty much it means it means making them as comfortable as possible before they pass.. It was hard for me to be able to tell my grandfather things that I’m sorry for if I disappointed him I know I was supposed to be born in his birthday and I’m the only grandchild that he was there for the birth. And I can never forget that he was there with me and my dad when we had to go to Las Vegas for for my court case my court case when I was molested stupid and the guy was found Not guilty. I felt embarrassed confused and hurt I never really had counseling but read a lot of books and I’ve always tried to understand myself My actions and try to be the best person I could be. I’m sorry for your loss they definitely sound like amazing people and life’s never the same after they’re gone. I’m also an addict I’ve been clean for 6 years and then relapsed by choiceI like weed sometimes I don’t likeOther stuff but I never but I never let that be a reason or an excuse to do something wrong they’re wrong I could never get comfortable with it’s hurting someone or stealing I tried to be a better person More and more each day and I’ve done college I made millions have worked at rehabbs I Have helped a lot of people getting over drugs And even the unfortunate events that take place in some people’s lives at a young age.. I’ve been through more than anyone man should and I don’t want no sympathy. I f****** love myself for all that I am I’m a loving king person who only wants people to find happiness I know I need the same time I’m trying to hang on to what happiness I have. I’ve made millions I’ve lost it I’ve even done 8 years in prison for something I didn’t doTrusting family and being in the wrong place at the wrong time can sometimes have a huge consequence. Sometimes I get extremely depressed sad and scared 36 years old and I’m scared I mean I never have a child or be in love abeing loved again after losing to love of my life after 9 yearsAlways treated her with love And try to be there for her when also trying to hang on to to myself and get back to the man she fell in love with I don’t want to ramble but she’s my best friend best friend and he knew the 2nd I saw her that she was the one and even and are you even told my best friend that I was scared that I wouldn’t hurt her I was her 1st love her 1st everything I never wanted her to experience a broken heart But you take all that pain or wood and I’m sometimes there’s hopeless and depressed.. But I get up and I work 6 10 hour shifts do an electrical In the cold and I love it life is too short the older we get the faster Time goes. I just started following you today and I’ve already watched probably 15 videos you have a good message Thank you for your time never minever lose the goofy side of yourself. I know I’m trying not to and I can do I can do 50 different voices and make all kind of faces just to make people laugh feel good. I’m a grandfather was on hospice it was hard for me to find a long time so I could tell him all the things I had to all you could do was try to open his eyes roll his head and try and look at me. I tried to tell him I was sorry for saying he was not my real grandfather when I was younger and angry he yelled at me and said get you should get out I did it would have cried so hard outside I didn’t mean what I said I guess I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting me. I’ll never forget the day he says I do love you but I hate the person you are but i do love you and I said hate is such a strong word he said I know that’s why I use it All I can Say is well thank you grandpa I love you to. He was a man that was in the navy and man of tough love. He’s done some f***** u* things in his life but but he tried to do the best that he could as A husband and a dad to 6 girls that he adopted You also had one son of his own And I know he cried by himself but I’m so when his son died I’m taking a pain pill that his girlfriend gave him. He never called my grandpa dad or my Grandmother momHe called them by They’re actual name The girls could do nothing wrong they took it all out on Kenny and you had to sleep with the hatchet or need this pillow she’s scared to get beat He grew up to be an amazing loving man that I miss. My grandfather had a heart it was just hard for him to show it but he did at times In his own way. I know know when I have a child so I hope if they were to ask me if they can use the restroom I’m gonna say I don’t know can you. It’s something he would always say and I would Refraze my question and say may i I guess that was his way of teaching us manners cause he would throw a fork or night if your elbows are on the table or chewing with your mouth open or didn’t sleep please thank you you’re welcome or excuse me you know old school stuff that most kids don’t do these days. I personally believe families are forever and it’s not by accident that we are here together It’s only the beginning when you think about it. Stay strong and be positive we have loved ones and angels watching over you you as do II hope lol. I just want to say I tried meth and 5th grade I drink before that but I also tried killing myselfF***** u* childhood but it’s just a matter of growing and learning and I know you’re for a reason.. But just because I’ve done drugs do not make me a truggie druggie a piece of s*** a waste of airOr flesh.. There’s no one person that can that could say that I didThem wrong or dirty hurt them or use themI know I never wanted to lose myself myself or do something that would never do just because I was high it’s acid 9Nobody would ever guess that I was getting highI very really do I dropped clean your eyes I go to sleep every day I workout And I try to be Selfless I’m no better than anybody else I just try to be better than the person I was the day before. crazy thing selfless was a character defect probably because when I had a lot of money I gave a lot away to the wrong people I’m talking probably a million$$ of hard worked money But it’s all good to help Somebody but when I came at the cost that I cannot afford to help somebody else when I needed it myself I screwed myself I figured I had it I can give it away then you did more And then life happens And I get rear ended at a red light and I get a dui Wrong place wrong time again. I was clean for 6 years and I would have a drink here and there nothing nothing crazy but that DY cautioned me my 2nd chance with the love of my life you’re then for 24 hours the ring went on the finger and came off After 6 years of trying to be the best that I could be one accident that wasn’t even my fault Would cost me all the hard work I put into Hoping that love of my life will fall in love with me again And she did and yet again I saw the complete devastation devastation of her heartbreaking. I didn’t wanna live I was angry I didn’t wanna play the victim role I guess I should have been on time to our dinner date. Definitely need to see counseling because she’s still hurting and crying everyday she’s gained so much weight and she’s insecure about herself I tell her I love her even more and I tell her it doesnt bother me enough to change the way i love her, how she feels matters and her opinion and how she see her self. hell I did college for PT and I’m not in cage fighting shape anymore or football but I’ll never beat my body down like that again sqaut 600 no never again. Will you wrote me cry quite a bit because there’s a little bit of regrets but just at the loss of someone important to you one who was a good room model. I’ll share one thing with you my dad was murdered 7 years ago by a school called friend who’s gay and at age my dad was not gay and was not attracted To men But Mike would get furious when my dad turned him down turn him down to one day him into other my dad in the back of the head through my I could have hit the room out of a car 8 houses down from my grandmother where he grew up in Las Vegas I saw my dad 3 months before that he came down and he told me that told me that he knew I wasn’t happy and that I was not the mac arthur I used to be and he wanted me to be happy and we had some deep conversations And he sure a lot of love and I watched him walk a block down the street before I finally took my eyes off of him I didn’t know there’d be the last time that I saw him alive I was in a trance or something something something told me to run to him and walk with him and I let him go so quickly But I didn’t and Within 4 years that’s the only time my time that I actually felt like me again and I was worried a shirt again which was with him who was in the best place watch the spirits ghost Demons with no eyes some pretty wicked s*** . How much super nice compassionate man but I hate seeing people’s saying junkie once a crack head always a crackhead guess what Douche my mom has been clean of crack for 19 years my aunt 15. so called normal people Understand or know anything about addiction free complex And if that’s being so called normal f*** that I’m glad I’m not Cause I sure don’t want to be pessimistic who’s right is it to get on there and say some hurtful things to somebody about something they can’t even understand Let alone have the right to say anything About somebody else’s life and what they’ve been through I guarantee if somebody has been through what I’ve been through in my shoes good luck Probably won’t be alive by the grease of God when my Appendix burst in Prison The guard that refused to take me to the hospital was not working the day it rupturedThank God I still flatlined for a couple minutes But I didn’t die on 420 lol. It’s hard knowing that my family’s legacy depends on me and it’s on me to have a boy my great grandfather is general mac carthur and his cousin Franklin D Roosevelt and A lot More ancestors that need their mark in history A very strong lineage I don’t want to die with me.. Anyways I apologize for rambling I said a lot of things that I’ve never said before and I needed to say. An old wise lady lady once told me sometimes you need to take the backpack off and take out all that shit is gonna make it hard get up that hill though that crap in the backpack We’ll take it’s tool and it will show. Thank you again thank you so much if you actually read all of this. I’ll pray for you and your family and loved ones and the time of need of strength is most needed. stay beautiful and you do not look 90 you look great lucky man he better know it😉☺️ God bless
Tiffany: I am so sorry for your loss and so touched by your beautiful sharing of your experiences with loss and grief and both words unspoken and spoken. Indeed grief does change us forever. I’m brought to tears reading your description of your relationship with your step-dad, you were so blessed to have a positive father figure in your life. I’m so happy for you that you got to open your heart to him in his last days and vice versa. What a gift!
You are such a genuine and “real” person, and I love how transparent you are in sharing your journey. Our darkest days become our greatest asset when placed in the hands of our H.P.
Peace and much healing to you 🙂
I know this was written several months ago… but I found it today, when I needed it. Thank you for sharing your life with us, it gives me hope, laughter, courage and way to open my heart.
I just happened to be checking in on you and found this heart wrenching yet beautiful magical post. What growth what strength what powerful love. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and meaningful message of love. Love, which makes every single thing worthwhile. Blessings to you and yours as you navigate the waters.
I am so sorry about your grandma . I just lost mine over Christmas and the grief sees no end .
I love this! The death of a loved one is never easy to deal with, but those last conversations and last words help you and them heal before they’re even gone. In June 2023 my grandmother was told she was cancer free. After battling breast and kidney cancer, multiple surgeries, and radiation treatments since 2021. And then on October 1st 2023, only 4 months after being cleared, the doctor found cancer in her head. This time there was no hope for her to beat this ugly thing, it had spread so far, it reached her cerebral spinal fluid. So she had cancer coursing through her body now, and the only way for her to live longer was to stay on chemo until she chose to stop it. My grandmother was done fighting, we cried together and she kept telling me she was sorry, but that she wanted quality over quantity, so she refused chemo. I wasn’t mad at her at all. I agreed with her, supported, and respected her decision. From then on, it was just me and hospice. The nurses came by every other day. But I was her 24/7 caregiver until the day she died, which was 3 months later on December 27th 2023. She wasn’t just my nana, you see, she was more like my mom. I was a single mother with 3 kids under the age of 5, and caring for my nana. And it will forever be one of the best things I ever did. I wasn’t able to talk to my other grandparents before they died, I was too scared and selfish. But I was determined, I wasn’t going to let my nana down, and she wasn’t going to go through this alone. When she passed, I wasn’t overcome with grief like I expected. Instead I was happy. Happy that she wasn’t in pain anymore, happy that she could be with her family again, happy that she finally got her wings. Life is too short, and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. After my experience, I notice myself hugging my loved ones a little tighter.