***TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM***
My story starts off with what I used to be like. If I could describe what I was like growing up I would say I was alone. I never felt a part of anything.
I battled cancer as a child and it left me hearing impaired. I was self-conscious and insecure. I gravitated towards the darker side of life and quickly found myself mixed up with the wrong crowd.
I was a misfit, misunderstood, and angry.
I started smoking marijuana at 12 years old and fell in love. I had finally found an escape. It wasn’t long until I caught my first consequence; I was expelled from school and dove into a deep depression.
At 13 years old I started cutting myself. I was isolated and felt trapped. I felt like I was on the outskirts of life. I quickly found pills; Xanax, Lortabs, and Adderall. I did not care. I was looking for anything to keep myself from being sober. Because sober meant being me.
Fast forward to my senior year of high school. I was in love, I found my soul mate. “J” was the first loved one I ever lost to an overdose. Alcohol became my coping mechanism. I drank almost every day. Blackout drunk, waking up with bruises. I got my first DWI at 19 years old and turned harder to pills.
Opiates were my chosen poison.
It quickly progressed to heroin and I was in denial about my use. Looking back now I was deeply depressed and I could not stop. I got pregnant at 22. I considered adoption, but something told me I better keep her because she would be my reason not to kill myself. I see now that was God.
I had my daughter at 23. I love my daughter very much, but if she was enough to keep me sober then I wouldn’t really qualify as the hopeless variety. Unfortunately, I do.
By the time I was 24 I was back on heroin. I dabbled with you name it, but the demon that brought me to my knees was IV heroin.
I told myself I was not that bad off.
I wasn’t homeless, I kept a job, had my child, had a car, never been arrested for drugs, but inside I dying. I was the one sneaking to the bathroom and hiding my track marks. I struggled every day, ruled by the next bag.
I tried rehab, detoxes, and MAT, but I just wasn’t ready… YET.
At 26 God humbled me. I got caught with drugs and paraphernalia in my car with my daughter. The biggest lie I told myself to stay in denial was taken from me. I faced serious consequences and this was what I needed.
I quickly got myself into treatment for the last time. February 24th, 2018 is my sobriety date.
I completed treatment, lived in sober living, and completed IOP. I beat my charges and never lost custody of my child, by the grace of God. I joined a 12-step program and found my purpose, helping others. It was not easy building a relationship with my higher power, but I started to come back to life.
At first, I felt like I was CRAZY, realizing how much I truly damaged my mental state.
I started to notice that sometimes it takes a bit more than trusting God, cleaning house, and working with others. I am in therapy once a week, on medication management, and I continue enlarging my spiritual life. I am not perfect and I still make mistakes, but I realize how lucky I am to be able to own my mistakes and have a chance to correct them.
The things I have been blessed with are stuff money cannot buy; like happiness, family, and purpose.
I work in the same treatment center that changed my life. I am on my way to becoming an addiction counselor and I finally feel like this is where I am supposed to be.
I am engaged to a wonderful man who helped me realize I do matter.
I have an amazing bonus son who is so freaking cool. I live in my own home and pay my own bills. I laugh when typing that because it sucks being responsible sometimes, but it does give me a sense of fulfillment to finally be an adult at 29 years old.
Life is messy, but I don’t need a chemical substance, instant gratification, to cope with life. Today I am proud of this mess and happy to be honest about who I am. This is just… ME.
***DISCLAIMER: This website, jugglingthejenkins.com, is not affiliated with any specific recovery program. Different avenues work for different people.***
I get it girl .. I was an opioid user – I had this stuck up thing though that I wouldn’t try heroin. I thought it was dirty and people who did it were dirty. Losers. Low life’s. You of course aren’t those things even when you were high.. but it was some kind of defense mechanism I had to stay in control.
Sure enough I’m at a party.. in a crackhead apartment. It’s 3am. I should be at home.. husband is blowing me up sending me nasty texts like WTFFFF? Where are you!? I looked up and caught someone was in the bathroom shooting up H. The door had just cracked open enough for me to see…
I was like how the fuck did I end up here? I would NEVER hang with this crowd. Yet here I am.. chilling. Doing lines of cocaine, drinking, and I had taken some pills. Smoking 50 cigs.. felt like it.
The dealer that I was driving around – he was my “friends” son… was trying to make me his next “girl” ..He had me holding all his shit. Drugs & money. Like 100s of pills.. and a lot of money. It was a test. I knew that from the second he asked me to. I’m not a thief even when I’m high and lost. Sure enough a hour or so passed. In front of everyone.. he asks me for everything to do a “count” he’s flexing to everyone else but he was also doing it to call me out if I had.
He pretty much treated me like a dog ..”oh what a good girl! He is some free treats !” 🙄
He was flirting with a girl there to get a reaction out of me.. but I didn’t like him like that.. she finally makes sure we aren’t there together by asking me.. he looks at me .. waiting to see what I would say. I said “hey you go for it- we just friends”
Lots more flirting between the two. He keeps looking hoping to see me upset or flustered … He was giving her pills as a freebie. He wasn’t an ugly guy at all but since I had been around his mom a lot – I know everything about him. Especially how he treats women. Plus I was married and I don’t cheat.
I’ve seen plenty and heard plenty of his “girlfriends” and “wives” which he just abuses them, hold them hostage by withholding drugs or giving it to them, huge fights that police have to come … etc
Im not that girl you can control or get to like you because your carrying. I never put out for drugs and if he thought I would start that today.. NOPE ..
I of course ask him in the car after we left if he was going to call her and he’s like nahhh , she just wants free shit. She can buy some stuff but those freebies are over. She’s not my type .. (lies) this girl was very attractive – he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Mind games. I hoped they didn’t connect not out of Jealous but because I know what he does to women. She was a very direct, loud, stubborn girl.. she wouldn’t be very submissive.. she would get her ass beat into submission. Didn’t want that for her. Hope she’s clean wherever she is.
Anyways – sorry guess I need to tell someone that story..
Seeing someone shoot up.. Was the reality I needed. Before I got into drugs I lost a friend from H.. that’s why I had such a huge judgment and dislike for it. I think that was GOD saving me.. putting that thought in my head and making me follow by it “I will never do H”
I got home. My husband ready to rip in to me. I said “I’m done. Help me” I meant it and he could hear I meant it. Haven’t looked back. My four years is coming up on October 10th
You are so strong an brave, I am so happy for you.!!!!
It’s so hard to read your story, hard to imagine that kind of life you had to go through and having to have the strength you obviously did in spite of it all.
I’m sending you so much love, admiration and prayers. You hang in there. I’m so proud of you!!! Thank you to your hubby for what sounds like really genuine support. Please, please know your willingness to write, to share, as you have, will undoubtedly touch others… and give them the spark of hope they need to begin their journey toward peace and happiness. Xoxo
I’ve been searching for the courage to go into a rehab. terrified that they will take my children from me. if you vulnerability join a rehab will that happen? I hide my addiction as well , work take care of my children hid ed it from my family . depressed, my addiction is opiates and I only take it because if I dont I get sick i hate it please if anyone knows of child services being called if you contact and join a rehab please let me knw
This is an amazing story of a crossroad. The path you could have went down, but you decided to take the other path. Beautiful and I’m so happy for you this happened.
I hope a crossroad happens for me. I’m a chronic pain patient, but even more troubling, an addict. I wish I had the strength those in sobriety have. I pray for this all the time. I pray one day my strength shows it’s face to me. I’m so happy for you and hopeful my day will come.
I am a coronic pain person also. I was on Percocets, 240 a month, time released morphine, 60, 10mg a month and 120 1mg Xanax a month and I would still run out about a week before I could get them filled again. I was addicted to them for 10yrs. I didn’t get drugs off the street. My doctor prescribed them and kept raising the dosage when I said they weren’t working so good. Both of my adult sons got hooked on heroin when they couldn’t get anymore pain pills. We all went to the same doctor. My husband and I moved out of my home town and started over again. In the new state I had a harder time finding anyone to prescribed me pain pills or Xanax. They cut my Percocets in half and stopped my Xanax unless, I went to a shrink. Then covid hit and it was hard to get in to a doctor, so we started weaning ourselves down. I will be clean 2 years on April 20, 2022. It hasn’t been easy and I have so many stories to tell. I am still in a lot of pain but, it gets a little easier everyday. I will add one little tidbit. When you are on drugs and numbing yourself you don’t pay attention to new pains that your body has. The memory loss you have when you quit can be bad. I lost so much when I was on them, houses, jobs, grandkids. When my oldest son lost my 3 beautiful granddaughters by DCF. I was in no position to take them. My counts on my pills were way off too. The state took the girls and by the time I was sober there was so much annamosity from the 15 yr old towards all of us. I tried to get her to come up here but she wouldn’t do it because of her boyfriend. And unless she agreed DCF wouldn’t move her. Her 11yr old twin sisters had already been adopted by then. I live with this guilt every day. But you have lost a lot of great memories. It breaks my heart. The other thing I found out about. The pain pills I was taking numbed me up so good I didn’t feel anything. But when I got sober, I found out I have so many ailments that I didn’t even know I had. Like the thyroid mass I have, the big large mass I have in my right lower lung that might by cancer, the large cyst in my kidney, the 4cm weakened part of my aorta, that could become an anyerism and certain death, any minute, The 4cm mass I have inside my adrenal gland, degenerative discs in my back and my left knee that needs to be replaced. About half of these things demand surgery now. My aorta needs to be fixed and that’s big time surgery, the mass in my adrenal needs to be removed, the mass in my lung is really looking like lung cancer, so that will have to be biopsied and probably removed. I’m going to do many different doctors right now it’s crazy. All kinds of CT scans and PETCTs tests to find a good plan of action. If I was still getting high, I wouldn’t have realized something was wrong at all. So even though I didn’t OD when I was on the pills, (which I don’t see how I didn’t) they still may have taken my life after the fact. So you see they can end up killing you even after you quit. Good luck with you. I hope you can find a way to walk out of the fog too.
You are amazing. Addiction is one hell of a demon to beat, never give up that fight. You should be proud of yourself beyond anything else you’ve ever accomplished. Never forget where you came from, or what you’ve been through. Helping others gives you purpose, as it very well should. Life’s best livers are the ones who have fought through defeat and came out humble, loving, grateful and with purpose on the other end. I’m proud of you.
You are amazing. Addiction is one hell of a demon to beat, never give up that fight. You should be proud of yourself beyond anything else you’ve ever accomplished. Never forget where you came from, or what you’ve been through. Helping others gives you purpose, as it very well should. Life’s best livers are the ones who have fought through defeat and came out humble, loving, grateful and with purpose on the other end. I’m proud of you.