**Trigger – Miscarriage**
I was nineteen when I had my first miscarriage…
I started having a severe pain on my left ovary, and I went to doctor after doctor for years trying to find the cause of it—with no success.
I was referred to pain management, and it felt as if I had been given up on. My choices were pain meds…or lose my ovaries. They couldn’t even tell me what was wrong with them, just that they needed to go.
I refused to sterilize myself at nineteen-years-old, so I went to pain management.
The moment I took that first pill from my pain management doctor —I was in love. I felt like I was a super hero.
I had never gotten more work done or more house chores done in my entire life. It was as if I had found the cure to exhaustion.
A few months after taking my pain-killers as prescribed, I started noticing withdrawal symptoms. I had no idea this could happen when you took your pills like you were supposed to. I told my doctor at my next visit that perhaps I should stop taking them. He had a different solution—more pills.
After a while I didn’t get the same feeling I did before, so naturally, I took more and the doctor happily gave me more. I was taking more pain meds than a cancer patient.
I was in a serious relationship when my addiction started. I lost three pregnancies during that two-year period. I felt so alone, so…lost. After that relationship ended I slept around and spent every dime I earned on pills.
I was so careless at that time, and I kept getting pregnant. Half the time I was so doped-up I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I miscarried.
In 2012, at the age of 22, I got pregnant again. It took me four months to even realize I was pregnant, but once I did, I immediately took action. I went to a detox clinic and got put on “safe medication” to get clean… But It was too late. I lost my son at 20 weeks gestation. I was completely devastated, and I immediately went back to using.
I met a man in January of 2013 at age 23 and fell in love immediately. He loved me even with my addiction. We moved in together and slowly he started offering me help. It wasn’t until I started doing heroin with our neighbor that I decided to actually take the help, because to me, doing heroin was a line I promised myself I would never cross.
Breaking promises to other people was so easy that I was almost good at it, but breaking promise to myself was my rock bottom. I checked myself into rehab for six days. It was an accelerated detox program. I spent most of my time there getting hit hard with all of my losses. After five years of addiction I had tallied up nine miscarriages and had five years worth of bottled up emotions spewing out of me like a shaken soda bottle.
I promised myself right then that I would get clean—and stay clean, for every single one of my babies.
I gave my life over to God my first day in treatment. I made a promise to him and myself that I would make it to one year clean, and continue making it the next year as long as I could get through detox.
I made it to one year clean, and almost to the day of my one year anniversary…I found out I was expecting a baby.
I am happy to say my almost three-year-old son is happy and healthy. I am four years sober and have never been happier. My son is the light of my life and he is my true miracle.
I was unable to save the lives of my other babies, but I truly believe that they are responsible for saving mine…
Sister you are so strong! You are capable of anything and the world is yours! So happy for you love!
Congratulations! Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing! You should be very proud of all you’ve overcome, you’re a better person and mother today for it. Your story hits very close to home. I too, spent 5 years on RX (doctor prescribed) opioid pain killers. I took as directed, but quickly fell in love, and needed more and more every day— sound familiar yet? I was literally addicted to the euphoric escape, bottomless energy, and mind/body pain suppression. I too, thought I had discovered the ‘magic pill’ that made me feel like a “super hero”! Opioids were my “best friend”, always there for me, and I felt like the “best version” of myself when using (I really believed that). It’s shocking how quickly that feeling dissipates, and eventually you need excessive quantities just to get out of bed and feel “normal”. You don’t realize the shit storm you’re in, until its already too late to “just get out”— without battles, and war, to get your life back. By year 5, I was taking 50-80 pills a day, and it was never good enough. I too, spent every dime.. I am still buried in roughly $50K of debt (just from 2017 alone). Many don’t realize, even in recovery, we may still be “paying the price” for many years to come.. (due to choices made while using). It takes no time at all to ruin the life you created, but earning that “quality” of life back, after active addiction (to break even, or get ahead) can take years! I could go on and on, I just wanted to share that you’re certainly not alone.. and our stories are extremely similar in countless ways!
Thank you for sharing your story with the world. It was so inspiring to me and my recovery. I can relate to your story on many levels. Thank you so much for sharing your Hope! Keep doing what you are doing!