To love an addict is one of the heartbreaking positions anyone could be in.  You spend years building a bond with this person, and in the blink of an eye, they are someone else. Someone you no longer recognize.  It's their face, their voice, their hands and their smile; but the person they used to be is long gone.  It's as if that person has been taken over by an invisible force. A force that is dragging them down dark paths that you know your loved one would never dare to venture. To love an addict is feeling both dread and relief when they show up at your door.  You know that for a moment they are safe, because they are here with you; but you are also aware that they are probably there because they need something from you.  You subconsciously  clutch your purse tightly and tread lightly, for fear of setting them off. To love an addict is handing them a $20 bill for "cigarettes", despite the fact that you know all to well what the money is really for.  You now have an internal struggle with yourself, because you know you shouldn't be contributing to their habit, but in your eyes it's better than them selling their body or stealing to get the money. To love an addict is having your heart drop to your knees every time the phone rings, because you know at any moment you will receive the call. The call that they are gone. To love an addict is a rollercoaster of emotions. Hopeful elation when they enter a rehab program and heartbreaking disappointment when they run from it and relapse. To love an addict is to spend countless nights staring at the ceiling, wondering if there was something more you could have said, or done, to keep them from going down this path, blaming yourself for them being where they are. To love an addict is to watch a person who used to laugh, sing, dance and be filled with joy, stumble through life like an emotionless zombie. To love an addict is trying your hardest to love them from a distance, but having your heart melt the moment you hear their voice. To love an addict is the constant desire to grab them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them, but knowing in your heart that you are absolutely powerless over their choices. To love an addict is feeling a pang of sadness and shame whenever someone asks you how they are doing. To love an addict is constantly walking on eggshells, because you know that if you say the wrong thing they may storm off, never to be seen again. To love an addict is hugging them as tightly as you possibly can - when you can - because you never know if you will have the opportunity to feel them in your arms again. To love an addict is to stare at them from across the room and pray for a glimpse of the old them to show through; so you know that somewhere inside this stranger, that person still exists. Every single addict on the face of this earth, has someone, somewhere, who loves them. Every. Single. One. I am an addict, and was actively addicted to opiates, (and alcohol, food, money - anything that made me feel different) for over 10 years. I put my loved ones through hell.  I forced them to feel emotions they never deserved to feel. I lied to them, manipulated them and guilted them into enabling me endless times. I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it must be for a parent or family member of an addict to give them "tough love", but I can tell you from experience, it could very well be the difference between life and death. If you constantly provide an addict with a safety net to catch them, you are robbing them of the chance to hit their bottom and pay for the consequences of their actions. It took me hitting rock bottom without a penny to my name, and nowhere to call home to finally arrive at the conclusion that no one was coming to save me. This next part is probably going to sting a little, but I've always believed honesty is the best policy.  So I am going to say this from a place of love and experience, and hope it will be taken as such. Think for a moment, about the reason you are giving them (us) money, rides, shelter, and bailing us out of jail .  If you really take a moment and ask yourself why, the answer may surprise you.  You are not actually doing it for us... You are doing it for yourself. You are doing it so you don't have to worry.  You are doing it because it makes you feel better to know we are safe.  You are doing it because it brings you peace to know we won't have to sleep on the street, beg for food, or experience the pain that comes along with withdrawl. I am not saying this to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel guilty.  I am saying it because something I feel many people don't realize is - us addicts can be pretty damn convincing when we want to be. We are professional manipulators.  If f shedding a few tears and dramatizing our current situation will cause you to open your wallet - we will put on the performance of a lifetime. Someone who is uncertain of how to love an addict must recognize that by temporarily bringing yourself relief, making yourself feel better for the night, you are jeopardizing our chance of recovery.  Running around following us holding out a little pillow for us to land on in case we fall is not the answer, and most times proves to be ineffective. Giving us money, helps us stay on the carousel of addiction for longer.  Bailing us out of jail-where we are safe- puts us back on the streets to use again.  Giving us rides, makes it easier for us to complete our mission of getting high.  Providing us a safe place to sleep - tells us that we can do what we want and there will be no consequences. There's a saying that "If an addict is happy with you, than you're probably enabling.  If an addict is mad at you - you are probably trying to save their life".  When I think back to my life during active addiction, this couldn't be more accurate. If you weren't helping me to score, there was no place for you in my life. Making an addict as uncomfortable as possible in their addiction is a step in the right direction.  I'm sure it made my family members incredibly uncomfortable to watch me struggle until I had enough, but I believe their choice to love me from a distance is the reason that I am alive and present at this very moment. To love an addict is recognizing your own behavior and making some changes that may be hard now, but will pay off later. To love an addict is to let go if you have to, but keeping hope alive in your heart. To love an addict is...Never giving up on them. There is no such thing as a lost cause, and it's never to late for someone to make a change. Loving them from a distance if you must, but waiting with arms wide open when they are ready to make the decision to come home...

5 Support Resources For Loved Ones Of Addicts



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24 replies to To Love An Addict…
  1. Astoundingly astute, honesy, raw, insightful and full of truth. This really was a tremendously well written piece. I appkaud your insights and your sobriety. You should be very proud of both. Thank you for good quality meaningful work

    1. Wow. Thank you so much, this means a lot, especially coming from someone who writes as beautifully as you. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and for the wonderful feedback ?

      1. You are very welcome. We don’t show those who have been to hell and back enough love. Not only do you have mine, you have my respect, writing like you do. Keep rocking it. Your work is appreciated and you may end up helping someone. From your friend in sobriety, me!

  2. Your blog is amazing. You share great info and I find this blog to be a big source of valuable information. Look forward to reading more.

  3. As much as I appreciate this perspective, I think it’s a very fine line to walk. There have been times when giving my son money was the right thing to do, and times when it was not. It’s difficult to understand except in hindsight. What I have found is that sometimes I was simply buying him another chance to have a little more time to reconsider living instead of dying.

    1. Thank you for your response! I appreciate the opportunity to think about things from a different perspective. Your last sentence gave me chills, and was quite powerful.
      I think it all depends on what exactly the person is doing to “help” the addict. I wont tell you that what you have done for your son is wrong, you are his parent, it would be easy to say “I would do this if it was my son” or “I’d do that” but truthfully, I can ‘t know, I’ve never been in your shoes. I just know that as an addict, if you were making my life comfortable in addiction, than it was alot easier to stay in it. I can tell you what it feels like from the addicts perspective on not the parents. I can tell you what it took for me to get clean. Thank you for your perspective? It was certainly thought provoking!

      1. Thank you for your thoughts.. I think situations with addiction can be so close to the same but then, not quite, that it’s very hard – as you say – to quantify what is right or wrong. For my son, it was always about deciding to live or die. One thing that might be a little odd about our situation was that we established a no lying rappoire that meant he could tell me he was asking for money for heroin. It cut out the manipulation factor. It also allowed me to express my frustration and fears honestly to him. I never cut him off as that would have meant a loss of connection to his family. I was always honest about what I could do for him and when he told me he wanted to go on Suboxone I made that happen in spite of the OMG $$$$$. I think without the previous situation, he may not have ever thought he could ask for that kind of help. That was a slow process in which I told him constantly that if he was not ready, that was ok. He went back and forth for a few weeks and then was ready. To this day, I tell him if he is going to relapse that is ok, I just need to know what is going on.

        I hope that by sharing our different experiences people can see that what it takes for one addict can be very different than what it takes for another 🙂 I really appreciate your site and your writing.

      2. You are absolutely right, I tried my best to include phrases like “chances are” and “most likely”, in order to ensure people were aware I wasn’t making a blanket statement. Although I’m sure it came across as if I was doing just that, because truthfully, I believed that in most cases enabling ends up becoming detrimental to ones ability to get clean. You definitely have a unique circumstance and I think it’s amazing that your son was able to be open and honest with you. That is rare and speaks volumes about the connection you two have, and the open mindedness you possess. For me, and many others (not all, but most), losing a connection with my family definitely made the consequences of my choices more apparent. I missed them, but not enough to stop using. However when push came to shove and I hit my bottom, they offered emotional support, but nothing more. That is what it took for me to realize no one was coming to save me and I had to do it on my own. My father felt as if he was helping by giving me money to get high, but truthfully if I would have taken that money and overdosed, even if it hadn’t been his fault, he would have blamed himself for eternity. Having to rob people and sell my body to support my habit when my family cut me off, made it much more difficult to live the lifestyle. And when it came time to make a choice of whether or not I wanted to get clean, I thought back to those heartbreaking things I did to remain high, and the respect and relationships id lost with my family. That is was made me want to get clean. I can only speak for myself however and want you to know I respect your position and your decisions as a parent. There is no guidebook to life, it’s a learning process and the “right” answer varies from person to person. Thank you for reading and for the honest feedback ?

  4. So what am i supposed to do if i love an addict? Because its unbearable at times and its making me a bit crazy.

  5. You visited me today and left a follow so I have come to visit. You have a worthy blog, and write well. I am happy to visit you and mark your follow also. 😀

  6. There’s a saying that “If an addict is happy with you, than you’re probably enabling. If an addict is mad at you – you are probably trying to save their life”.
    This is so true. I don’t know how many times J hated me. He was so young, 14/15. It was such a heartbreaking struggle. At one point, when you were talking about Brandi, when she came back to jail. I was a mess. I remember, when J was headed to juvie one time, he was so high, even the juvie was worried about him this time. Luckily, I have friends that work there. But at one point we weren’t sure J would make it. He was so gone, thank God, he just detoxed and was fine, for the most part.I enjoy reading your story.

  7. This made me cry before I even got out of the first paragraph. I grew up around a world of addiction. My parents, siblings, friends and even ended up with an addict for a partner. Thank you for sharing your story. The only thing better than seeing someone succeeding in sobriety and recovery, is reaching out and helping other people succeed in the same thing. <3

  8. I stumbled across your blog this morning. I see that as further affirmation that almost everything happens for a reason. i truly needed to hear these things from an addicts point of view. you see, i am the mother of an addict who did not make it. he chose to end his struggle August 5, 2016. I got “THAT CALL at 5:56 a.m. that Friday morning. I tried to save him for years. it wasn’t until his youngest son was born addicted that I chose tough love. I had no choice. I got custody of his son when he was only 38 days old (he will turn 3 in december). I couldn’t allow my son to come around and risk this baby’s safe home and possibly throw him right into the system. I had to sacrifice my son to save his. after spending countless $ on rehab that he wouldn’t stay in, and bail money, and walking the house at night with my pistol just so I knew the rest of my family could sleep safely without the threat of whoever he was hanging around with at any given time coming in and hurting them while we were sleeping. I was left with no choice but to distance myself from his chaos and take care of this sweet innocent life. the what if’s are tearing me apart, but even in the midst of my desperation I look at his son’s sweet face and know that I made the hardest “right choice anyone could ever have to make. I chose to save the one that couldn’t possibly save himself. I’m so amazed that a mothers heart can actually continue to beat after one of her children’s stops, and yet here I am. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my broken heart for restoring hope that under all the b.s. that came with his addiction that he really did still love me.

    keep up the fight ? you’re helping in ways you can’t even imagine by telling your story. good luck to you and your family.

  9. I’m in tears. Thank you for sharing your story and your gift. My mother is an alcoholic. I’ve tried every approach I can to help her, supportive, loving, begging pleading, and now, loving her from a distance. My boundaries are solid. They have to be, to protect my kids. The last straw is when she brought over a bottle of “juice to drink while watching the Superbowl. I was confused, I had no beer or booze in the house. How was she drunk? I pulled my dad aside and said they needed to leave. While trying to put her shoes on she fell, hitting my 5 year old in the face on her way down. There was a visible mark on my child’s face! The bottle of apple juice had no apple juice in it, it was vodka. That was it, I couldn’t do it anymore. I never want to see the look of fear, pain, and confusion on my childs face again. My mother is not allowed to see my kids unless she is sober. She lives a mile away and sees them a few minutes, twice a month. My oldest understands. My youngest yearns for her.

    My mother is gone, she is skin and bones. When she comes over twice a month, her hands are shaking uncontrollably. I feel bad, like I’m causing her pain. It physically hurts her to see her grandkids. I’ve never cried about it before today. The tears won’t stop. My family has told me I’m not doing enough for her, “She’s going to die if you don’t do something!”. I remain steadfast. The guilt hurts but, I think I have done what I can for now. It hurts more to let her close because, it hurts more than just me. It hurts my kids, and my marriage. The last time I tried to intervene I wrote a long heartfelt note, begging her, (I just want my momma back), empathizing with her, (she has been through a lot), telling her when she was ready, I will be her biggest supporter. And I will. Until she is ready, I will love from a distance, with hope in my heart. Thank you for your words, I will hold them close.

  10. Thank You, painstakingly accurate, I sobbed as I READ. I love an addict, my little brother. He’s been deep in addiction and has been for almost6-7 years. Lots of hurts an de instability contributed, but I keep hoping that the day is near where he will choose recovery.

  11. My husband is a recovering addict. He has been for the entire time I’ve known him( almost 10 years). He will have this disease his entire life. I knew all of this coming into a relationship and life with him. I have underestimated though how hard and trying it would be. As well as the scars it leaves when relapse happens. There is always a voice that shows up in my head wondering if the bottom has fallen out again. It can also be like watching someone walk into traffic. They are headed towards disaster and nothing you do or say can save them. Like you’ve mentioned…. you walk on eggshells. Even when he is sober I feel like I need to tread lightly here and there. The scariest part aside from not knowing if he’s alive when he runs and drinks, is looking at my partner in life and not seeing him in there. It’s being married to someone very different with the same face for a while. My natural reaction is to sink back and shy away. Loving an addict is everything you have described above and more. I have come to the realization that someone strong enough to fight every day with this demon that pulls at his brain and body, yet still has so much good and love to give, is worth loving lifelong. I’ve been the bad guy during relapse and I’ve also been an enabler. Either way is not easy. It’s worse for him though. Because when it happens, it’s the day the fight got too hard and it turned into quicksand for him. He’s just trying reach the top and breath. I struggle from anxiety and depression myself. We are constantly trying to work together to support each other. Physically and emotionally. I have found a lot of relief in things you write and videos you post. I appreciate knowing and feeling that people out there are just as human as I am. Thank you.

  12. Thank you for this…. I have been enabling my son for years. Never gave him money for drugs so I thought…. There is always a story. Need money to get to work, need to borrow so my phone is not turned off, need food etc etc etc. I believed it…. always asked for proof. Sometimes I got it sometimes I didn’t. Blamed it on him being disorganized… I finally started saying no to the money but still would send gift cards for food after all, I have to make sure he can get up in the morning to go to work and eat to keep going during the day. He finally had a job he feels good about and I don’t want him to mess up and lose it. Last night was the first time I said no to food….. I am still crying….. to think my son is hungry. He’s not a bad person, he is in emotional pain and is depressed and anxious…..How can I not help him??? It really hurts. I warned him. Sent him the blog about being selfish when I give in because it makes me feel better…. Not him no more…. It is so hard….I hurt so much but I know he hurts more.

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