When You Don’t Want To Forgive, Do It Anyway.

Forgive. It is a powerful word. To forgive basically means to accept, and move past what you feel was an injustice to your sensibilities. The word forgive is terrifying at times, because it means letting our guard down – letting someone off the hook for something we feel is unforgivable. We feel that if we refuse to let this person off the hook, they will continue suffering. The trouble is, this way of thinking is completely backwards.

By holding a grudge – we only hurt ourselves. Period.

When I was 8 months pregnant with Chloe, I was shopping at Target. Kaiden was sitting in the cart and I was looking at some Christmas gifts in one of the aisles. Some crazy lady decided I was in her way, and instead of asking me to move, she proceeded to ram her cart into the back of my ankles.

I wish I could tell you that this was a made up story – it’s not. I turned around in shock and the woman avoided eye contact and pushed her way past my cart, scraping up against the side of it as she did. Now at this point – I am 8 months pregnant and a woman of God, not to mention I have my 1 year old in my cart. She is lucky, because had she pulled this crap prior to my new way of life; I would have tackled her like an NFL player and choked her out with Christmas lights.

But I don’t live like that anymore. So what did I do? Nothing – abso-freakin-lutely nothing.

Wanting to avoid confrontation, I bit my tongue and continued my shopping. Within minutes I found myself stewing about this woman’s brazenness. I’d pick up a coffee cup with reindeer on it and say under my breath to no one in particular, “You believe this b****?” “No she didn’t” “She’s lucky I’m pregnant I’ll tell you that”.

I was literally walking around this store plotting this ladies death, meanwhile she was probably picking out denture adhesive not even giving me a second thought.

Would I have felt better if I had stood up for myself and cussed her out? Perhaps. But opening that door might have taken me to a place I didn’t want to be. I could see it now: “Next up on the 5 o’clock news, a pregnant woman attacks an old woman at Target sending her into premature labor – and it’s all caught on film.”

This obviously wasn’t an option for me, and replaying it over and over in my head growing angrier each time wasn’t helping either. So you know what I did?

I accepted an apology that I never received.

That’s right, I accepted an apology that she never gave me and I forgave her for what she did. I have a choice, and I chose to control my emotions, as oppose to letting them control me.

Sometimes, people are unaware of the emotional havoc the may have wreaked within me, there will be times when I don’t receive an apology I deserve.

An apology is not a requirement for forgiveness.

We can forgive whoever we want, whenever we want, even if the person is completely oblivious to the fact that they have been pardoned.

Now this is just a small example of a situation. There are many times where people do unspeakable, and seemingly unforgivable things. I am not trying to minimize the other persons actions nor am I suggesting we run around and forgive every jerkface who has crossed us.

What I am saying is; when I find myself obsessing about a person I feel has hurt, cheated, deceived or angered me, and when it gets to a point where it is robbing me of my peace – I then evaluate the importance of the resentment I am harboring, and decide whether or not holding onto that hate is helping, or hindering me on my journey.

I truly believe that when you forgive someone (whether you feel they deserve it or not), you are releasing at least 10 pounds of dead weight.

It is our job to keep our minds healthy, and I don’t know about you, but I function much better when I keep the negative energy out, and invite happiness and positivity in. In order to do this, I have to choose to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose, for there is limited space in my mind and I would much rather use that space for something beneficial.

Someone once told me that ” resentment is the equivalent of lighting yourself on fire, so the other person dies of smoke inhalation” and I had to stop for a second and process this.  I had never thought about it that way and it ended up changing everything.

I have to remind myself that while I’m stewing about that ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, he is probably having the time of his life somewhere, not giving me a second thought. So screw him! Just kidding. I forgave him, and I carried on.

My point is, the ability to let go of something that feels really important to me is hard, but so is lugging around a backpack full of hate everywhere I go. I know now that forgiveness will never change the past; but it will absolutely, positively change the future. I have a choice of how I react and respond today, and I choose love – every time.

Now, having said all this I would just like to get something of my chest.  Hey lady at Target, if you’re reading this –  I’m not pregnant anymore. Cash me ousside how bah dah?!

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My Top 5 Favorite Meditations For When My Brain Needs A Vacation.

In 2009 I had my first stint in rehab.  I have a very vivid memory of a time when our counselor gathered us all into a room and had us sit in chairs that were placed in various places throughout the space.

He dimmed the lights, asked us to close our eyes, and began talking us through a “guided meditation”. His goal was to have us envision the scenes he was describing in an attempt to help us find tranquility.  I wanted to punch him in his stupid face.

I was withdrawing from opiates at the time, and my mother had passed away a month before; so envisioning myself walking down a golden path of cobblestone into a field of friggin lilies was the very last thing I wanted to do.

I inevitably ended up storming out of the room in frustration.  What the hell was the point of this? I wasn’t going to spend another minute humming and woosahing in a room full of addicts.

(I ended up relapsing the night I left rehab, perhaps I should have, in fact, taken that cobblestone path)

When I found recovery again in 2012, I would always hear people in the rooms speak of mediation and it’s benefits, however I still had a sour taste in my mouth from my first experience, so I was hesitant to try again.

One night after a particularly exhausting day with the kids, I decided to try and listen to something relaxing to calm my nerves.  I stumbled across a guided mediation on YouTube and figured ‘what the hell’.  I put my headphones in, closed my eyes – and 20 minutes later I was in a different world, separate from this one.  A world where it was just me, and nature – it was so…Peaceful.

I know this probably sounds crazy to you, and that’s okay, mediation isn’t for everyone. I personally suffer from anxiety and insomnia,  and have found these meditations to be invaluable.

As humans, our minds are constantly in overdrive.  Technology has made everything so fast, so instantaneous.  Doing a guided meditation allows you to slllloooooowwww dddooooowwwwn, and give your brain a break.

It takes some practice, but once you get the hang of it, it can be life changing.  It’s like treating your mind to a much needed vacation.

I have made a list (with links) of my top 5 favorite guided mediations below.  After the kids go to sleep, first thing in the morning, mid-day; whenever you have some spare time to rest-and just be present-do yourself a favor; pop some headphones in and take a break from the hustle and bustle of the busy world around you.

2) Jason Stephenson – Floating Amongst The Stars.

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Listen to me people. I almost fell asleep just thinking about this video.  It is my #1 all time favorite because: It is literally like you are escaping this world and exploring another dimension. (Okay, I’m sounding crazier and crazier by the minute. But trust me, just try it)

 

2) Jason Stephenson – Sleep Guided Meditation – Fireplaceok

This is one of my go-to meditation when I just need to decompress. It features the sounds of a crackling fire, and when the rain starts to pour down onto the roof of the cabin – It’s magical.

3) TheHonestGuys – Blissful Deep Relaxation.

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This was the very first meditation I listened to when I tried again and I was asleep before the 18 minute video was over. The sound of the waves crashing combined with his soothing voice is enough to make even the busiest brains slow down.

4) Sleep Ezy Tonight-Floating Clouds.

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After an exhausting day, press play on this one.  It is perfect for pausing all of the thoughts you have buzzing through your brain. It completely relaxes you until you feel like you are floating out of your bed and into the clouds.

5) Michael Sealey – Detachment From Over-Thinking.

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I am an anxious worry wart and this meditation has helped reel me back in, center me, and allowed me to focus on the present – more times than I can count. (This one doesn’t have any music – it’s voice only. If that isn’t your thing you might wanna skip it)

There’s hundreds and thousands of free meditations that can be found on YouTube.  They have morning meditations to motivate you for a successful day as well.  I wanted to share this in hopes of helping someone out there who may be struggling with insomnia, anxiety, or someone who just needs a damn chill pill.  Let me know if you try any of these and what you think!

XOXO

120 Days In – My Time In Jail. Chapter #12

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish.
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

Putting My Own Oxygen Mask On, First.

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Today, while on all fours searching for Chloe’s binky under the couch for the 4th time today; I had a revelation.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Seriously.  I’ve gotten into this routine, where my new normal is being the caretaker for 3 children, (4-if we count my husband).  I spend my days changing diapers, preparing meals, comforting , folding laundry, paying bills – and so much more….

If I happen to get lucky enough to get an hour to myself while the kids are napping; I spend that hour debating.  I have a very important decision to make.  Do I take a nap as well? Mop the floors since I can’t when they are awake and crawling all over them?

Do I catch up on that show I’ve been meaning to watch but haven’t had the time? OH maybe I could take an interrupted shower – if I do it quietly enough not to wake them up,  I may even be able to fit in shaving my legs.  Or maybe I should use this time to scroll through Facebook mindlessly and catch up on the latest drama.

By the time I figure out what to do – naptime is almost over.  Usually when I do end up taking a break, I feel guilty for sitting down because there is always SOMETHING productive I could be doing, because being a Mom is basically all about playing catch up.  There is so little time to myself that even if I am granted a few spare moments – I usually end up spending them doing things that help the family.

I have become so consumed with my role as “Mom“, that it has been a very long time since I thought about Tiffany.  Tiffany the friend, Tiffany the wife, Tiffany the sister; Tiffany the PERSON.

I didn’t always have children; they are semi new.  So what the heck did I do before they arrived?

Who am I without them? What do I like to do apart from being with my family? When was the last time I had a night out with a friend? (Last time I did something with a friend I spent the entire evening silently obsessing about my family at home – wondering how the hell they were surviving without me)

I realize the importance my role in this household – but I also recognize how crucial it is for me to have my own identity.

Momma’s – you know how consuming and exhausting it can be when it is your job to be the glue that holds everything together.  Even when we lay down at night, we don’t immediately drift off to a magical slumber like our peaceful snoring partners without a care in the world – our minds are racing.

“I forgot to put Sara’s library book in her backpack”, “I have to pay FPL tomorrow”, “What am I gonna cook for dinner tomorrow night? We have no meat – I need to go to Publix. Oh, speaking of Publix, I should get some flowers for Sara’s teacher because its her birthday Friday. Speaking of Friday, Billy has a project due that day – oh I can get the supplies while at Publix and – Damnit the baby is crying – time to feed.  I’m so tired, but no one can do my job but me so I gotta get up and get her.  Maybe I’ll put Sara’s library book in her backpack while I’m up…..”

A. Mother. Never. Clocks. Out.

So let’s make a plan. Right here, right now.  At least once a day momma’s, we do something for US. I’m serious. Let’s lock ourselves in the bathroom for 5 minutes and eat a snickers with headphones in.  Or ask our husbands to take the kids to the park so we can take a real, for real, uninterrupted solid ass nap. (P.s. if you are a husband and you are reading this, letting your wife nap is the sexiest thing you could ever do – aside from the dishes).

Let’s put the kids to bed and run ourselves a luxurious, solitary, peaceful bubble bath with candles and a book, (You guys remember books, right?)

I don’t care what it is, let’s practice focusing on ourselves – only ourselves– at least once a day.  It will take practice, and it won’t be easy; we have become programmed to give, give, give. But damnit, it’s time we start doing a little taking.  Who’s with me!!!!? *Thrusts sword victoriously toward the sky*

Seriously though, we can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s so important that we recharge our batteries from time to time.  It’s a beautiful thing when a mother gives everything she has to her loved ones, but let’s just make sure we aren’t losing ourselves in the process.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab my son’s Paw Patrol Bubble Bath soap and have some Tiffany time, thank you very much.

 

 

120 Days In – My Time In Jail. Chapter #11

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish.
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

120 Days In-My Time In Jail. Chapter #10

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish.
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins

I Won A Pair Of Leggings. The Rest Is History.

Some of you may recall a post entitled “Fundraisers & Ghost Pants; which I had written in the early days of my blogging. (If you missed it-it’s here).

In that post; I detailed my experience with other moms at my daughter’s school – and their crazy leggings.  One could even say I poked a bit of fun at said legwear.

I have been invited to tons of different groups on Facebook for various products; and I usually roll my eyes and leave them immediately.  No offense intended; it’s just that I have had no interest in purchasing; nor getting involved with selling the stuff.  It feels strange and uncomfortable to me. A lot of this probably has to do with my immense fear of rejection.  Me trying to sell you something would go like this:

“Hi, would you like to buy this cool wrap that you put on your tummy? You will be 46 pounds skinnier by tomorrow morning.”

“No thank you, Tiffany.”

“Oh my God, okay, yes you’re right. I’m an idiot.  Forget I even said anything. I’m so sorry.  Here, let me just buy you 4 wraps and send them to you for free as an apology for disturbing you, actually I’m gonna send you some flowers too. I love you. I’m stupid.”

I never wanted to be in that awkward situation like “Hey girl, I know we haven’t talked since preschool – but have I got a deal for you!”

So it goes without saying; that when I witnessed many of my friends slowly begin to change their wardrobes to Lularoe leggings with wolf faces and popsicles sticks plastered all over them – I raised an eyebrow.  I didn’t understand the hype and I certainly didn’t want to be a part of it.

Until I won a free pair of leggings.

Here’s what happened…One day I met up with my trusted friend Lindsey T. for a playdate.  Whilst our children scurried about the playground together; I couldn’t help but notice the flashy colors and wild patterns on her leggings from the corner of my eye.

“Are those them Lularoe pants thingies everyone’s going crazy about?” I asked.

“They are! They are all I wear now.  They are so friggin comfortable; it’s literally like wearing pajamas out of the house everyday.” She said.

My ears perked up.  Pajamas you say?

“Can I feel them? Is that weird?” I asked, reaching over to feel them anyway; regardless of whether she liked it or not.

They were soft and all; but I still didn’t understand what the big deal was. We continued to watch the kids play – no more Lularoe talk from that point on. I didn’t want to offend her by telling her that I would rather save the money and continue to wear my actual pajamas out of the house.

A few days later I get a message from Lindsay. “I nominated you for a Lularoe contest. You won a pair of leggings. What’s your address” She asked.

Now we are talking.  I damn sure wasn’t gonna fork over any money for these things – however “free” is my middle name, girl, send em on over.

untitled-pnguhoikj2 days later I received a package in the mail.  Now I don’t know about you; but packages are always fun – no matter how old you are.  I snatched it from my mailbox and gleefully skipped up to my front door.  I scurried passed my husband seated on the couch while carefully avoiding eye contact – I didn’t feel like explaining and I was eager to put these damn leggings on and see what all the hype was about.

I locked myself in the bathroom and opened it up.

The first thing I noticed was a small box of “Nerds”. I debated for a moment about whether or not it was a good idea to eat candy before trying to squeeze my fata** into spandex-but gave in and inhaled the entire box in one swig. uh  There was also a hand written thank you card from the consultant – which I thought was super sweet.  She took the time to write me a lil letter. I love that. I crunched my Nerds around in my mouth as I began putting the leggings on.

They were my favorite colors.  Purple and black.  How the hell did this girl know that? What kind of sorcery was this? Was she a spy?  Perhaps she was a witch with special powers. I am still not sure but either way; I was grateful.

I pulled the leggings up around my waist and did a little dance to see how they felt.  I did various yoga poses, some cheerleading moves and finished with the robot.  There was no constriction anywhere; these leggings bent and moved with me.

They were nice; but I still didn’t get what the fuss was about.  I walked into the living room and plopped onto the couch; confused and a little disappointed. It was in that moment that the true magic of these leggings revealed itself to me.  If you are a woman – you will understand what I’m about to say…l

The fabric was so soft; that it didn’t cut into my rolls whatsoeverIn other words– I didn’t have to worry about my intestines being smushed when I sat my fat-a** down.  I have recently put on a few pounds and was always adjusting my shirts while seated because whatever pants I wore cut my stomach in half.  The only way to feel a moment of relief was to unbutton my jeans and release the Kraken. These leggings literally felt like I was naked from the waist down – I sh*t you not.  I felt so free and warm and snuggly and….happy…

I wore these leggings for 31 hours straight.  Did you hear me? I wore these from 3pm on Tuesday, to 10pm on Wednesday. You can judge me if you want – I don’t even care. I would probably still be in them if my daughter didn’t call me out –

“Ew are those the pants from yesterday Mom? Gross”

“Um you know what else is gross? Dipping your lollipops in ketchup- but you don’t hear me hatin’ on you. So zip it”.

She was right though. It was time to take them off. I changed into a pair of jeans and it wasn’t the same. They were heavy and had a zipper and pockets and it was TOO MUCH.

Get this– The very next day; my new best friend Lindsey- entered me in another legging contest and again…I won.  Shut the front door.

Listen; to say I was excited was an understatement. This time I knew what I was winning and I couldn’t wait. If I played my cards right- I could alternate these 2 pairs of leggings and wear them everyday for the rest of my life.

untitled.png6fyuvh.pngThey came 2 days later sent with another sweet letter; this time from Sarah Gaston. I furiously ripped them open and put them on immediately.  The pattern was gorgeous and I closed my eyes and let out a heavy exhale of gratitude as the familiar feeling of angels hugging my legs washed over me.

That night I witnessed my first “Shop the box” on Facebook live with Morgan Heinert.  I’d seen a few before but didn’t pay them much attention.  This time I was laser focused on how this s**t went down – because I wanted more.

It’s much more intense than I initially realized. How it works is: the consultant has a box of inventory; she opens it live in front of a group of ravenous legging/skirt/shirt/dress seeking women on Facebook.  If you see something you want; you must type “sold” in the comments before anyone else. That’s it – the clothing is yours.  It gets intense in there. It’s almost like being at an auction or gambling.  Your palms get sweaty and you are on the edge of your seat waiting for the perfect leggings to flash across the screen.

If you see a pair you love – you have to be quick or they are GONE. “Okay Tiffany; well I’m sure they have another pair available-“ NO! They DON’T! This is the thing! All the outfits are limited editions.  In other words – if you don’t snag something you like; you are s*** out of luck.  You have to pray the consultant receives this item again in the future- or find other consultants and check out their stash. They don’t all carry the same inventory – this is what makes it so exciting.

That night I noticed a pair of leggings I liked-they were the most “toned-down” of all the wild patterns I saw. I needed them. My fingers moved like lightening: Tiffany J sold #87″ – ‘enter‘…

 

What the hell am I doing? Why the hell did I get so serious about those leggings all the sudden – like – I was ready to fight someone about them. I don’t know what happened that night – I bought 2 more things. (Don’t tell my husband)…No seriously.

I never buy new outfits for myself – I’m always so busy being a “mom” that sometimes I forget that I am also a woman; worthy of a treat for myself every now and then.  (I’m probably gonna treat myself next month too – again – don’t tell my husband).

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Anyway I want to give a special shoutout to Morgan Heinert & Sarah Gaston for my free leggings. Actually, I’m not sure if I should be thanking you.  You have awakened something inside of me that I never knew was there.  A desire to burn every pair of jeans I own and an incessant need to hunt for cool leggings.

Some will say I’m crazy; that I’ve lost my mind and have been swept up into a fad that will one day fade. But it made me happy to receive gifts in the mail; and as someone who wipes butts and cleans up puke all day – I’d say there’s nothing wrong with doin a lil somethin for myself.

Anyway. That’s what happened. One minute I’m sitting on the couch minding my own business- next thing you know I’m hosting an online party for Lularoe.

This means all my buds can join me for a night of violent bidding and laughs.  I’m not gonna stalk ya’ll about it – (I might) I’ll try not to.  It will be fun and you should watch. (I’m not just saying this because I get cool prizes if you join me). Okay…..Part of me is; but most of me just wants you there for support!

The end.

Morgan’s Page

Sarah’s Page

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

120 Days In – My Time In Jail. Chapter #9

 

 

Hey Friend!
There’s good news and there’s bad news. Which do you want first? I’ll give you the bad news, because by now you already kinda know… This blog series is no longer available on this website. I’m sorry! I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book, ever since my Dad bought me a typewriter on my 6th birthday.
The good news is, It’s finally happening! My book is in review on the Amazon Kindle website, and within the next few days will be available for pre-order! I know you are probably still mad at me, but I hope that you understand that this a huge goal, that I am actually about to freakin’ accomplish.
I will post a link to the book here as soon as it becomes available, as well as share it on my facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/jugglingthejenkinsblog
Thank you for being interested in my stuff, it really means more than you know. And thank you for being a part of my journey. You may not realize it, but it’s people like you that inspire me to get my lazy ass out of bed each day and create content.
Me love you long time…
Tiffany Jenkins