Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing. I lost my fiancé at 39 years old to alcoholism last year. It was sudden, brutal. I know all too well the pain of carrying unspoken words. I still blame myself a lot for his passing, for not doing enough. But I’m glad you got a chance to say everything you needed to, this time. I pray you find peace and comfort through this difficult time.
My prayers for you and your family. What a heartfelt message you have wrote. Such an inspiration even to this old lady.
Thank you for sharing this heart breaking moment for yours, to remind us to be brave and strong when instinct tell us to run and hide.
A big hug to you .
Your such a help to us here .
Your a help to self .
Taking care of yourself , .. so you can take care of others .
Your on a good path now .
Like some of us , we took a bad road but soon turned around .
For me it wasn’t drugs , .. it was clambing up / holding it inside … Letting people run over me .
Not no more.
You help me to get back to some of me that I thought I had lost .
I’m writing now .
I’m going and doing more for me now .
I still love others , and I thank God for all the good people He has broughty way.
You are one of them .
Thank you for all you have done to help others on your way on your road .
Sorry for your loss .
It’s hard saying bye to those we love .
Hang in there your doing a great job .
Oh Tiffany, I cry with you and hugging you so tight (virtually). It’s the worst pain (for you and your loved ones) to say goodbye, but it must be the greatest relief for those you bid goodbye. The words (your feelings) are so real, and that is the way to be. Hug your loved ones and let them know your love. Words then are not always needed. Take your time to just breathe, no hurry. There is no time limit on grieving. Just remember your closest, they too are hurting. We out here in cyber-world can wait, forever if needed.
You are loved.
Tiffany, I am so sorry for all of the tremendous loss in your life. I am deeply grateful that you choose to share it all with millions of people you do not know personally, but whose heart knows yours. Holding you all in the Light and so proud of you for doing the hard stuff. Those memories will last for ever, the good and not so much, because they shape who we are. You were loved and you love in return. The legacy of all that came before live in you and your children.
Thank you Tiffany for this beautiful heartfelt letter. I also lost my mom and dad within the last 8 weeks. My loss is deep but I was present when they took their last breath and we were able to say how much we loved each other. I feel your description of feeling like an orphan, that everything feels so different without them. With that being said, I will continue to tell them that I love them as well as the ones that are still here with me.
God Bless you, praying for your peace.
Tiffany, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I lost my dad in 1976 to an accident and lost my husband 15 years ago to colon cancer that moved to his liver. He was 42. We had hospice for 2 Months. —- my kids were 18, 11, and 9 I have suffered severe depression since then.
Thank you for your raw words. Very touching and close to your heart. I didn’t know what hospice was until my mother was placed there at the age of 52, and I was 24. I was pissed when they told me there was nothing else they could do and then again when they wouldn’t let me take her home, because I had a newborn at the time. In hindsight, I appreciate those nurses that knew better than me and helped me prepare for my security blanket to be pulled out from under me. They helped me find my words. Thank you again for sharing your story. I’m glad you found the words this time.
Thank you for sharing, that’s some deep stuff that for sure needed to get down on paper, I’m thankful for you that you were able to be present with your other dad and able to tell him how you felt and not having to self medicate as well and felt those such raw emotions, sorry for your loss as well, I pray comfort over you and your family ❤
You are strong. You are vulnerable. You are able. May comfort find your heart in time.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
THIS has been my experience as well. You are not alone
I have sadly experienced the hospice goodbyes many times. And it never gets easier. As we get older we learn the value of letting nothing be unsaid. I will give you this wisdom. When my Aunt became very ill I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I loved most about her and my best memories l.
It was read to her while she was cognitive and aware.
I had a neighbor who was a second Mom to me and before she was ill. I sent her a letter and did the same thing. When the time came for hospice. And everyone said their goodbyes. I was asked if I needed to speak to her privately: And you know what I didn’t. I had said it all.
What a Peaceful feeling to not be on a time clock. Say it while they are still here! Xoxxo
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the way you are feeling. I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago, we only found out a month before she passed that she had ovarian cancer. March 17, 2022 I lost my dad(step), my mom remarried after my real dad passed when I was 9. I feel many of the same feelings you have. I have been severely depressed since his passing. I have finally reached out to my doctor to help me because I can’t do this on my own. Praying for you.
Moment by moment …. your sins are forgiven… dont allow the darkness to tell you that you should’ve, could’ve and whould’ve. We all fall short of God’s glory and there isn’t one perfect person in the whole universe! And the beauty in it all is that YOUR NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE! Chin up butter cup . I love you !
P.S. I used to be a big time crack head and made sooo many mistakes. I have finally forgiven myself because satan loved to through it in my face everyday.
That is so touching and so glad you shared it. Life is so short and we realize it as we get older. I want nothing more then to spend as much time as I can with those I Love. God Bless you and your family and prayers for all.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers! I was at your show in Anaheim. Front row with glasses on. The show was amazing but I could feel there was something going on. You were still very entertaining and hilarious but there was pain and sadness behind your smiles. In the moments that you weren’t smiling, it was if your thoughts were elsewhere. Please allow yourself time to grieve. It’s ok to take a moment, just for you. Love you lots! You are more amazing than you realize.
Hugs and prayers for you as ypu navigate this loss. You have a beautiful soul and a beautiful way with words. So much loss shows so much love. Stay strong and lean on those around you
Thank you for being beautiful.
You have no idea the inspiration you are to people.
Like me.
Thank you for sharing such a well written and heartwarming story. I’m sorry for all the loss you have dealt with. It’s never easy. Stay strong and continue to inspire all those who love you and need to hear your story. You have helped so many by showing the world it can be done. Blessings and hugs to you and your family.
So sorry for your losses. What a beautiful story ❤️ ! You are truly blessed to have had that connection with your dad at the end of his life. I am sure that your other family members felt your presence and love at the end of their lives even if you did not get to verbalize to them.
You are truly an amazing person! Throughout your life you have overcome so many challenges. I too have lost my biological father, many close friends over the last two years from believe it or not heart attacks between the ages of 49 and 52.
It has been an eye opener for me and I have tried to pivot my life for the better. Wake up and be grateful, exercise, eat better, be selective of my tribe of peeps, and honestly distance myself from those that bring negativity, gossip, sadness, and those that just suck the joy out of my day!
I’m going to leave you with my motto, ‘Live every moment, Laugh everyday, Love beyond words’
Your thoughts in this message even though sad are uplifting. May you have peace beyond understanding. Know that someday you can all be together. I think of you as a friend even though we have never met. ❤️
Beautifully written from your heart. One thing I can say as an adult of grown children is that your mother loved you. No matter where you were in your life….she loved you. We can’t stop loving our children. We may not like what they’re doing with their life, and pray for things to change, but we NEVER stop loving them. She may not have been able to see the changes in your life, but I also believe God allows glimpses of loved ones here on earth and if he does…she sees. You will see her again someday and be reunited in perfection. You bring joy to a lot of people through your humor because that is your gift. Your heart is something that you give to those you love. You have a right to guard that, but thank you for sharing a part of it with us. Praying for your balance as you heal from this loss. Blessings!!
Tiffany your thoughts and words are beautiful. May his soul and the soul of all the faithfully departed Rest in Eternal Peace. You and your family are in my prayers!
What you wrote was beautiful. I know deep in my heart that just being there with your other family members was enough. They understood and knew how much you loved them. Spending the time talking with your dad was an amazing thing that everyone doesn’t get and if by chance the ones who went before him weren’t sure how you felt, I’m sure they do now because he sounds like a very special man. Thanks for the great advice. It gives people strength. Take care of yourself and your family as I hope and pray they are taking care of you.
I’m so so sorry for all of your losses. Bit I am so happy you were able to say goodbye this time with the peace of knowing that he knew exactly how you feel.
I lost my dad in 2013, I too was lucky. We both had nothing left unsaid and although I mourn him daily still, I know how much he loved me and that the sadness I feel is all the love I have for him that has nowhere to go now.
Sending love to you and yours xxx
Thinking of you and your loved ones. I lost my husband from Cancer and remember the last week of his life in hospital. Being 42 at the time I felt like I was losing my everything. I had 2 young children under 13 years and was so afraid of how we were going to manage life. My son had many medical problems and I was beside myself from being a caregiver for so long. I wish you all the best and hope you can find it in yourself to carry on as you are for your loved ones. I am so sorry for all you have lost at such a young age.
Beautifully said! Saw your show with my daughter in Jersey. You and the girls made us laugh so much. It was so wonderful after such a long time of wonder to what’s happening in this world to just forget for a bit and just laugh. Thank you!
I too, have struggled with addiction, but not me physically, my husband of 40 years. Thankfully, he is sober today, but the regret he feels still, I know all too well, trust me when I say this, the GREATEST gift that you gave him was your sobriety! I truly felt your story to the core, for so many reasons, but also having lost both my parents as well. Your words are beautifully written and your such a blessing to those in the world struggling with addiction. Thank you for opening up your life up to the world, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am praying for you and your family as you navigate thru this period in your life.
This is beautifully written, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending you love.
Oooh I can so relate… sending you warmth ❤️Comfort❤️
Sorry for your loss. It’s a moment that becomes the deepest form of sadness known to us. Take your time to heal & know you will be okay.
You inspire me to be a better person , I will keep you in my prayers.. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
I don’t think anyone can read this without tears because it’s written so well. You are someone I admire for everything you’ve come through. And to find this way of helping deal with this loss is something that will help all of us when we deal with the loss of a loved one. You have some amazing strategies to help you get through difficult times in life and sharing them is something we can all thank you for. Praying for you and your family.
I recently said goodbye to my 2nd lover in 5yrs, laying on his hospice bed at home in March. In 2017 the father of my kids and my fiance dropped dead-no hospice, no words spoke just gone. So I know the pain and I have looked to God for healing. I hope you are able to also look to God and know you are not an orphan but you are very loved! Happiness and peace to you and your family!
I have experienced this, though differently. Having the ability and courage to have those tough conversations acknowledging where things are and leaving nothing unsaid is painful but beautiful — and so worth it. I’m so sorry you’re walking through yet another loss, and yet I am grateful that though it’s happening – it can be different. ❤️
Sending hugs and prayers for strength and healing during this difficult time. I too have learned that pictures and traditions speak a thousand words. And since my mom’s death last May 2021 have realized how important it is to cry those tears and talk about your feelings. And yes tell my people how much I love them at every meeting. You bring so much thought and joy to others. Thanks for sharing ❤️🙏🏻💔😢
I lost my dad on December 8th 2021 I’m here walking with you and sending love.
Girl I’m in a puddle of tears right now. I’m an addict also and in recovery as of January 1st of this year. My mother-in-law had been in hospice for about 6months. We got the call on Feb 2 that she was in her final days. We rushed to be at her side. Hands down the HARDEST thing to do ever and stay sober. It was awful..and sadly I relapsed and landed in the ER. So anyways I just wanted to say thank you for sharing these very precious moments with us. As a follower of yours for forever, I love to laugh with you, but also cry with you.♥️ Love you and I’m here for you during your grief. Sending hugs your way girl. Don’t lose that sparkle you got goin on..mmm-k
I’m so glad you got the opportunity to say what you needed to say,
And thankful that you shared this.
I was barely 18 when I lost my dad and seriously too young to even know I would need to say the things I needed to say. I was 27 when I lost my mom and raising three little ones of my own, and while we had more conversations than I did with my dad, it was still nowhere near everything we needed to say. I find comfort in saying those things now, and thanking them for all the things they instilled in my brothers and sisters and I, letting them know that I didn’t realize just what wonderful, human, parents they were, acknowledging that I had no idea the struggles they faced and overcame, and just how proud I am to be their daughter. One day, when we meet again, I will tell them in person.
Tiffany, our experiences in life are very similar. Except I lost the man that raised me and taught to coincidentally also make a killer egg sandwich first. Then my Mom almost 12 years later. Losing your core people is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I lost my Mom last August and I miss her but I said goodbye to her and the last full sentence she said to me was go take care of your boys. I held her hand and played her I’m already there by Rascal Flats and sobbed cause I knew my best friend was leaving me physically but she will stay forever in my heart and the hearts of my siblings and her grandchildren. It’s OK not to be ok when we lose people we love dearly. I hope the sunshine shines brightly on you soon. This blog was read through tears but they were tears of understanding. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
Tarah S.
Bless you girlfriend and your family and thank you for sharing
Absolutely beautifully written
I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray for God’s peace and comfort for you. I can understand how you feel. My mom died of congested heart failure and my dad died from lung cancer. I watched both of my parents take their last breath and it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever seen. I am forever charged because of this as well as my siblings. To this day we still cry just talking about them. We miss them with so much.
Love and appreciate you..take good care.
(I gotta tell you my email starts with (RustyKiKi) and that’s because it’s named after my two cats. Rusty is an orange tabby and KiKi is a calico. I wanted to explain that cause it is certainly a funny name for an email 🙂)
As someone who also had both parents on hospice and was too young to say goodbye to my dad, I completely understand your feelings. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I love your beautiful face.
Tiffany, I teared up reading your words. I’m so sorry for all of your losses, especially your recent loss of your stepdad. I’m so glad for you that you were able to express your feelings to him, as I’m sure that brought such love and satisfaction to him. Thinking of you during this sad and difficult time. xo
That’s a beautiful story. I too have lost my core family. I introduced my husband to my entire family at the cemetery. Also, making some light of it. I have my sister and the family I’ve created. I am sorry for this loss and your others. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger I suppose!
My dad passed away in December 2020. I had been clean for 3.5 yrs at that point, but my guilt and shame of everything I did while I was using, made me so scared to go see him, that I hadn’t visited him for like 2ish years. He was in a nursing home because of a severe stroke he had in 2014, causing him to basically need assistance for everything. Then one day my brother called me and told me dad had died. It absolutely broke my heart. I went and saw him, and was able to tell him I was sorry, but I didn’t get to tell him what I wanted to before he passed. I wish so bad that the one time I picked up the phone to call him, that I hadn’t hung up before he answered. I struggle daily with not seeing him for so long. His death was completely unexpected and out of the blue. So we had no warning. I had lived with my dad basically my whole adult life, from when I was about 17. He was ALWAYS there for me, especially during my addiction. He always went above and beyond to help me and support me. I’ll forever be grateful for all he did for me. And I hope someday I can work thru my guilt for missing the times he needed me. I’m so glad you were able to have the conversation with your bonus dad. I know how painful these losses are. My heart is with you.
You are truly a gifted treasure
Sending prayers of peace. Hold on to the memories always. I lost my step father 2 years ago…it hurts just like a biolofical parent especially if they were good to you. May you take all the healing time you need and know we all all behind you holding you up. Much love and my condolences.
you are truly a talented treasure
Beautifully said my heart aches for you and your family during your grief. My belief is that they go on to a different place. To possibly help and guide us or to learn more things. The Spirit never dies.