Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Thank you….. thank you for the gift of your perspective and experience. I have followed you for do long BECAUSE you are real, raw and honest. Of course you are astonishingly funny and relateable, but it’s your authenticity in every post, whether funny or not, that speaks to my heart. How sorry I am that you have lost so many precious ones… but the freedom you now feel to express your heart fully to those you love is a call to arms for me. Again, I thank you.
Wow. Just wow. Beautiful and genuine, from the heart.
My deepest condolences to you, Tiffany. I know what a difficult season you’re in.
I’ve lost 2 children which is the most horrific tragedy their is and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I am also surviving this loss along with my mother and a few close friends, without having said my goodbyes and my feelings for them.
This is something that I think with always tear me apart. Many have said to me, how can you live without your children or I’m suprised you are doing so well. I’m doing as well as I can for THEM. All the crying and staying in bed won’t bring them back.
The best I can do is be the best version of myself in honor of them and to make them proud of me.
I did read many books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, if you have never heard of her definitely check her out, especially her book Grief and grieving.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers 🙏❤ All the best, friend.
I feel this so deeply and almost felt my own sense of relief reading this knowing someone else struggles with the same thing I do and I wasn’t alone. My father passed away a little over a year ago and as we sat together at the hospice facility, I tried so hard to tell him how amazing he was and how without his love and constant encouragement, I wouldn’t be where I was today, but I couldn’t get the words out. I think about this every day and how I wish I would’ve said those words. For some reason I felt awkward and uncomfortable and just couldn’t say what I wanted. I’m so glad you were able to do that and I wish you and your family, love and light during this very difficult time.
This made me cry. I am so sorry for these losses. But, also am glad you got to say goodbye. That closure is needed. Death leaves us a little sensitive after the passing of a loved one. We feel things we shrugged off before. It gives perspective and vision into things others hadn’t noticed before. Sending strength and love and know you are more appreciated for your humanity and realness. We need more of that. 💝🙏
Thank you for sharing. My heart breaks for you cause I know it’s not easy. Hugs & love chickie! You are amazing! Take your time and grieve, you are loved!
Thank you for sharing. I saw my Mom in hospice when I was 26. I just sang to her and said “hi” everytime she opened her eyes. I couldn’t say all the words… It was definitely awkward and painful. You’ve helped me to release some healing tears today. Hugs
Tiffany, what a inspiring tribute to your loved ones. I send prayers and love to you and your whole beautiful family💜🌺🙏
I am SO sorry for your loss. Although it won’t lessen the sadness you will feel of his passing, the fact that you got to say all of what was on your heart will bring you peace and healing. Big hugs to you and your family! You are all in my prayers 🙏❤️
This was the most beautifully written tribute about your loved ones. You have a gift for writing. I’m so glad you expressed your loving feelings to your “Dad” & may I suggest meeting with a Medium to contact your Mom & Dad for closure. Know that they are so proud of the loving, compassionate person you are & they are always with you. Ask for signs & be open to them.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss! I have been watching you for maybe 2 years now. I also bought the audio book. {absolutely LOVED it} I continue to be blown away by your courage and your message you send to fellow addicts/alcoholics. … I, too, am in recovery. Next month I celebrate 42 years! Also next month I am retiring from 34 years of working in the NYS Court System. I, like you, KNOW I can NOT do “this” alone. By “this”, I mean LIVE! ‘Living life on life’s terms’ does suck at times but I know this … if I wasn’t sober I wouldn’t be able to do ANY part of this roller-coaster, we call ‘Life’..
I, thank you, for opening your heart to all of ‘us’!
So sorry for your loss, Tiffany. Sending you so much love. It’s never easy losing a loved one but the fact you were able to say goodbye and tell him what you wanted to tell him before he passed on is a blessing.
Sending you so many hugs! Sickness, death, grief all life’s tragedy’s we must live through. Losing my mother was the worst. Losing my father hard but He couldn’t edit to join my mother on the other side. But the sudden death of my husband in his sleep at 66 has been the worst pain I have ever felt. So happy you were able to feel the feelings and share your words ❤️
I could tell you my story but suffice it to say, I see you and I hear you and can relate to you. Thank you for sharing. I’ve wrestled with how to handle death and feel peace about celebrating life without ignoring that death is a natural part of the cycle. It brings peace, right? I mean the tears are inevitable but there is still peace.
Oh Tiffany, I’m so so sorry. As I read this beautifully written story, I cried. I was taken back to the day I lost my grandmother. I to spent her last moments with her while she was in hospice. Because I could not think of the right words to say to her, I just laid with her on her bed as she took her last breath. I have never forgiven myself for not reminding her how much I loved her.
Coming from a split family, I can relate completely to what it’s like to have two parents in each home. Bonus parents can be incredible. I have been blessed with two amazing moms that have each brought so much to my life, in different ways. My heart aches for your family as you go through yet another loss, of a very special man who played an unforgettable role in your lives. I’m sending you as much love as possible. Thank you for sharing this with us and please remember, especially when you feel like an orphan, that your not alone. ❤️
I lost my mom, dad and younger brother from cancer along with other family members I’m a blubbering idiot when someone dies so my family decided they didn’t want me there when my brother passed away. I’ll never forgive them for that. They have nothing to do with me now.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve lost both my parents in the last year, and the only thing I can say is that we always think we have more time. So I too say what needs to be said, and surround myself with quality people. I have to believe that your loved ones see you, and hear you. So all of things you didn’t say while they were living, they can feel from you now, just as you feel them in your children’s laughter, or the scent of a memory brought by a breeze. Your mother felt your love, and wouldn’t want you to carry any guilt. If she could take anything from you, I bet it would be those feelings. Forgiving ourselves is so hard, but necessary. You are an amazing, honest, beautiful spirit walking this planet inspiring others. Keep on keeping on. ❤️
Sending you love hugs and prayers. đź’—đź’•
Thank you for sharing this. I know how hard it is. I too feel in denial of death when it happens and i am awkward and dont say the important things. Thank u for sharing so i can relate and not feel so alone in the struggle and also inspire me to have those heart talks. I relate to you with the anxiety and depression also and find your videos helpful in many ways. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and your family through this loss.
Sending love and prayers♡♡♡
Very well spoken. Brought tears to my eyes for you, and for my own unspoken word’s. ((Hugs)) for you…Embrace their memories and use them as a comforting blanket when needed…Know they are still with you, mind, body and spirit. You are an inspiration. ((Hugs))
I’m so so sorry Tiffany!! Im taking care of my grandmother right now who is in hospice care so I know exactly what you mean! Prayers 🙏👏🤲💓
My heart goes out to you. I myself am famous for staying away from things I think I just can’t face because it breaks my heart. I’m glad you found the courage to be present and say all the things you wanted to say. Beautiful, yet heartbreaking, with no regrets.
My father is elderly and I’m noticing changes that have me trying not to think about what is happening.. I hope when the time comes I can do as you did.. I weep just thinking about it.
Bless you sweet girl. Life is a roller coaster and I struggle every day with my own age. 58 when did that happen?? I’m young and fun and funny. I look in the mirror and I don’t know that old woman! I’m still funny but nothing funny about those wrinkles and sagging skin! WTF???? 🤦
Hang in there. I don’t know you but I get you.
Lots of love and prayers for strength and peace from this wrinkled old funny woman! 🤪👀🤦
Tiffany, I lost my mom to cancer when she was 46, I was 26. She was not one to share too much, and by the time she was in hospice I couldn’t bear to visit her much. In the last few days she didn’t recognize me, and my brain couldn’t get past that hurt. It’s been 25 years this month since she left, and I think about her every day. Sending you love during this difficult time. Your angels are watching over you, and they love you ❤️
Wow, definitely a tear jerkerđź’”
Beautifully written ❤️
Hang in there Tiff.
I’m so sorry for the loss of another loved one. It’s sad missing our people.
Big hugs and compassionate love from Canada.
Tears won’t stop. I am crying for you to have peace now. You have come so far and have endured many things. They all know this and are watching over you. They know what you wanted to say and didn’t. Hugs.
My deepest sympathy on your loss those memories will now be cherished I’m sure mourn their passing but cherish & celebrate their life your in my prayers
I am so sorry for your loss. So glad you were able to say what you needed to. Thank you for sharing as there are so many going through the same thing.
🙏❤️🙏
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel having lost most of my core family members myself, my biological dad passed in 1993 when I was 11 then my younger sister in 2002 and I lost my mom to cancer last April 22nd. Take all the time you need to grieve it’s not something you can rush. Again so very sorry for your loss.
I am a nurse and am most rewarded by my profession at the bedside of the dying. That sounds morbid, I don’t mean because they are dying, I mean because I am present for the biggest part of our journey of life. Nearly everything else we do, someone else has done it before and can guide us. Death is not this way. It’s important to me to answer honestly any questions my patient, family and friends have. Especially to talk to them, even when they don’t have the energy to talk with you, or appear to be asleep, it takes NO energy to hear. You will witness miracles. Conversations with loved ones who have passed before. It’s important to say goodbye, to let them know it’s ok to go, that you will be okay. I have witnessed this act of permission be freeing for a father and son. It was the greatest gift they gave to eachother.
Grieving is something only you can do, on your own terms, in your own time. Be kind to yourself. We love you. Thank you for sharing another aspect of your personal life journey. Vulnerability shows your humanness.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were able to have the opportunity to say goodbye and tell your stepdad how much he means to you. Prayers to you and your family through this difficult time.
Tiffany my heart breaks for your loss. I have sat next to several family members and even my best friend in the same fashion you described on hospice. Saying your true with them is freeing for both. Allowing to space to say all the things helps heal the heart and allows us to except the enviable. I pray for strength and healing of the hearts of you and yours. Sending you all the love and hugs for when you need them. ❤️ You do you boo! You got this.
Ohhhh Tiffany, I feel for you so much!! I too lost my mom just a year ago to lung cancer and my dad departed in 2013 of lung cancer. I have no grandparents left either. I had a very close relationship with my mom and it has shaken my world to its core. Fortunately, I have four kids that I adore and they have made my world a lot more bearable. Hugs to you. Lean on those who are there and never forget who you are and how far you’ve come. Life is short as we well know, fill it with as much love and kindness (and laughter) that you can. You make me laugh with all your videos and someday I hope to see one of your shows. Hugs.
Reading this article was tearful and beautiful at the same time.
I lost my mom during the covid lockdown. I had cared for her for 8 yrs. with her dementia. It was so hard but I look back now and I am so grateful I got sober in time to care for her. I loved her so, and told her often. God works in strange ways, nothing is coincidence. It’s His way of staying anonymous. Bless you, and I am so sorry for your loss.
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I am so so very sorry for ur loss…my condolences to u. Death does change us..I lost my two younger sisters to a horrible car accident in Cali on Feb 22, 2018…my life forever changed that day. Then I moved back to Maine where my father in law got sick and was put in hospice. I watched as he took his last breath which just tore me up…I’m still not over the deaths but try to be as present for my three boys. I love u and the woman u are and look up to u in so many ways..ur simply amazing in my eyes…
Im sorry for your loss. And i know first hand not saying anything at the end. I too felt like why talk aboyt things and make a sad moment more sad. Mymothe has been gone 4 years. I too feel orphaned and im 55 yrs old. My kids are grown but i know they miss her as much as me. They were gramas favorites. Hee hee..
I have been following you for some time now and have found so much joy and laughter from your videos. As I’m reading this I am a emotional mess because I am in this particular moment with my own father. He doesn’t understand what hospice is and it kills me to have to explain it to him.I try but I always pull back because I’m so weak and I end up crying, my mother thinks he will recover and be back to his normal self but all my siblings and I know hes at the end stage of his lung disease. Thank you for sharing this.
I lost my father and my brother within a week of each other last year on may 6th and the 12th. Both were in the hospital due to covid and now it just my sister and mother. I completely feel your heartbreak and wanted to tell you to hang in there, be strong and continue to tell everyone you love them. Especially yourself for being an awesome human being. You are loved and cherished and thank you for sharing. God bless you and your family.
You are such a strong, compassionate human. I wish you peace and comfort🧡
This hit home in a big way. I lost my husband this week and we had left so many things unsaid. I said some of the things I wanted to say before he died but I don’t know how much of it he heard. I wish we had talked more, forgiven more. I’m glad you had this special time with your stepfather. I am so sorry for your loss. ❤
Tiffany, you brought tears to my eyes and all I wanted to do when reading this was give you a hug. I’ve lost my grandfather and mother in law to cancer. I’m so glad you were finally able to say the things you needed to and have that closure. I know that will help you in your healing process. Thank you for being vulnerable with your life and emotions. That takes great strength and I admire you as a mom, woman, follower, and human being. Prayers to your family.
I just wanted to say thank you for your courage to care for yourself at this time, and your courage to share this message to us.
I recently read your book. The way you tell your stories has something to speak to and teach everyone.
Thank you for not staying silent. I pray I can have that kind of courage one day bc it helps the village we are all in. God Bless You. I’ll be praying for you during this time.
Many hugs and prayers, Tiffany. This was a beautiful tribute to him.
Tiffany my thoughts are with you and I really needs this!!! I have been such a better person since following you. This post really opened my eyes to a few things and I THANK you for this. Praying for you!!!! Virtual hugs!!!
Thank you for this, I have just gone through this for the first time with my father, it is heart wrenching.
I can understand, you have lost so much! I’m just learning how to grieve and exist without my 13 year old son. It was such a tragic unexpected death that I will have to acknowledge everyday.
You said you will only surround yourself with the good and positive, and that’s something that is so important and one of the changes I’m going through, but I find myself so alone because of this and there’s just more sadness…I’m starting to feel like I’m loosing everything. Hopefully this is just part of it all. Take care ❤️
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers 🙏🏼 this message was entirely relatable, it’s unfortunate that a loss is what triggers such a powerful self reflection but nonetheless I suppose it is how some of us learn, grow and evolve for the better. Thank you for sharing this with us it will change many as well ❤️🙏🏼
Tiffany, my heart goes out to you.
I am so incredibly proud of your sharing such a significant blueprint for others to build a vulnerable and beautiful and peaceful end of life haven for themselves and their loved ones to enter. Beautiful. I also want to share that I had the privilege of comforting the children of my very best friend in all the world after she died at 49 of early onset dementia. I was able as a 50 year old to help them navigate that they themselves were too young to know what to do when she got sick. They didn’t have the skills, the self-awareness-the-the-“wherewithal!” to handle it in a way that honored her. But they loved her and she loved them. And while we were talking I was hot with what felt like a revelation-I started to laugh and cry joyfully! I told them, your mom is in the place of of the presence of all knowing, all loving God-she knows EVERYTHING! There isn’t anything you wish you would have said or done that she doesn’t now ALREADY KNOW!! It swept over us like a wave of truth and peace! I’ve prayed for her children, besides for their needs to be met, most of all, that they would literally forgive themselves for they know not what they do-same words Jesus prayed on the cross over those who crucified him. I’m praying in the midst of your journey that in the moments of the memory of your youth and awkwardness you’d apply forgiveness to yourself -the same way you’d forgive your adorable precious crazy kids who you can clearly see are too young for certain tasks. And I also believe, and I feel I’m being vulnerable to say this, that your mom was inviting you, not just for that moment in time while she bravely faced her death, but to a life of learning to say what you need to say (yes, John Mayer got it right) “heart wide open.” That lesson was just installment one in a set of volumes in the master’s ongoing lifelong training-who’s fruit has paid in dividends. Look at you now? You weren’t necessarily supposed to be able to do it—right then-! Nobody ties their shoes right the first time they’re shown. Thank you for your incredible impact on my life. God bless you as you grieve well.
Tiffany,
What a beautiful way to honor this man and your loved ones who have gone before him.
You have a giant heart and I wish you a quick passage of heartache.
I understand the pain of losing lived ones as well as my sister passed also in 2009 of ovarian cancer leaving behind an only child who took care of her. My son passed away the following year at 25 with cystic fibrosis, leaving a huge hole in my heart and a 2 year blur of the years that followed. My beautiful neice Danelle passed in 2019 and I miss her beyond belief. She had just discovered through Ancestry that her dad wasn’t her biological dad (a secret my sis never told) and managed to find her bio dad before she passed. Her cause I can’t mention. I just can’t. The following year my sweet little baby grandson passed at Children’s hospital and we still have no answers as to why.
Death certainly changes people and your perspective on life and what is trivial and what is not. I am so very sorry for your losses in your life and just know you are not alone sweet lady.
I love your personality and humor and know in time you will be back to yourself just with a little bit bigger hole in your heart we can’t see but I know you know how to fill it with good things.
Wishing you nothing but blessings your way.
Sincerely,
Carole Young
I am a hospice nurse and adore what you have written. You have captured what so many forget…be open and honest and share your gratitude before they are gone!! Bless you for sharing ❤