Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
My heart goes out to you for your loss I know it’s an extremely hard time in your life I too have lost my aunt a month and a half ago and 10 days ago my fur baby Gracie passed away I pray that you find peace at this time
Ur past ones can still receive your measages. I send mine through God in prayers. It’s not too late!!!
This was very heartwarming and Thank you for sharing. I too have lost my Mom and Dad and a younger brother. They always live on in my heart. My Dad and younger brother went unexpectedly. I never got to say goodbye on earth to them, while they were alive. My Mother, we did and it was very tough. But we never actually talk of death. It was what if? Just know for sure your Mother and Father know how you feel and the words you tried to say. They know! <3 They walk beside us every single day. They hear our thoughts and know what's going on in our lives. They don't miss us as much as we do them, because they are not in the human body, more of an energy. Hope this helps and tons of hugs and prayers for you and your family. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss and all your past losses. But I am also envious that you have finally reached the point where you can voice your feelings to those closest to you. I lost both my parents when I was in my 20s and I never said anything. I was not there for them enough and I will regret it the rest of my life. I still, in my mid-40s, can’t talk about my feelings–at least not to the people I have those feelings for. Maybe someday. In the meantime, take good care and know that your loved ones are proud of you!
Oh my
Gosh. The honesty! This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
As I type this, I sit next to my own dad who is on Hospice, at home, and watching his body fail but his mind in tact has been the most difficult thing to witness. We talk, we listen, we laugh, we cry. I am so very lucky to have been a part of this journey of his-and pray that the gates will open soon, and he can dance his way in! Thank you, Tiffany, for writing this, you have inspired me to write my thoughts/feelings down. Many Blessings to you!
So very well said, Tiffany. Your story connected with me on so many levels. I’m thinking of you during these hardest of times ~ you are incredibly loved, friend ♥️
My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Like you, when I was younger, I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to my father and my grandmother. I blame it on my youth and inability to get out of the self centered mindset I was in at the time.
I lost my mom in January. I had been caring for her for years and saw the rapid decline in her health that she hid from my siblings. When she came home to hospice, it was thankfully only a week or so before her passing. My daughter and even my 7 year old grandson stepped up and had their own private moments with her to say what they wanted to say. My sister was able to get here in time to say goodbye. We were blessed to be there and hold her hands as she took her last breaths.
Like you, after this experience, I told myself that there is nothing more important than holding on to the ones who love you and letting go of those who don’t. It’s been an eye opening couple of months but I feel lighter everyday giving that extra hug or sympathetic ear when someone needs it.
Hang in there. There is nothing worse than losing a family member but take it from me, you’re going to grow from this and be even better at the end of the day.
Much love to you and your family. Thanks for all you do.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. Hugs to you during your grieving.
I have been in this place and here’s a sign as I read this in the salon chair, Hallelujah came on overhead and tears welled up and goosebumps came over my body! Please know you and your family are in my prayers!!! One of the greatest gifts sobriety brings in healthy core memories!!! Even though of sadness there is so much more in this one for you!!
God bless you! May they all be resting in the loving arms of Gid🕊🕊🕊
You are a true warrior!
I’m so glad you were able to feel this experience. God bless you and yours
Thank you for being so open and honest about your history with loss. I have lost my entire core family. From 2005 to 2019, I lost all 4 of my grandparents, both of my parents, and both of my brothers. In between the losses, was the reality of cancer, and caregiving. All while trying to build my life, getting married and rinsing 4 children.
The uprooting, orphan-like feeling is indescribable to most people. Its difficult, to say the least, to have no one to reminisce with. Like half of my life is lost or in some way a lie.
I have a hard time relating to people doing everyday things. I have been in fight of flight mode, my entire adult life, and it’s very difficult to learn how to just move forward.
Your losses have been great, your struggles have been great, but your recovery and openness are helping so many people. I’m glad you were finally able to have that very difficult but much needed conversation. It’s going to help you so much through missing him.
So sorry for all your losses but so thankful to God that you got to finally say the goodbyes that hadn’t been said before. As a previous hospice nurse that final act of being there to say goodbye to your loved one is the most beautiful act. May God grant you peace.
I’m so sorry for all your losses 💔. This was a beautiful post… Thank you for sharing ❤️. Praying for you and your family. I’m fortunate to still have my mother and worry sometimes of when I don’t. Always remember God wants us to talk to him. 🙏
This is so beautiful and it made me cry. I too am an adult orphan, who’s parents and grandparents are no longer here. Life is indeed precious and it is very important to communicate love to those we cherish. Hugs and blessings to you.
Beautifully said
God bless u tiffany.i love u ,u bring much sunshine in my days …I have same issue u have experience..my last words to my mother kill my soul.i was a child when I lost my daddy.who was not my blood father the my mother’s husband of 26 years before my birth and he couldn’t have anymore children due to vasectomy and told my mom get pregnant and she did …he except me and never brought her down for the choice..but I understand where ur coming from I’ve never forgave myself for my decisions I made during my addiction..I never will everyone I losty last words and not being there for those closest to me will forever eat me alive but I’ll do better next time I’ve felt like I’ve screwed my life , my kids life ,my mom ,my children father so bad that only I deseruthis type of hell I live in …it’s so sad…I feel for u.im sorry for ur loss ,I’m glad u came to peace with closure.may God bless u and ur family.
Thank you for sharing this.
So sorry for your heartache❤️ I hope you can sift through it all and make peace. Take your time, only you know and only you can make You better! We all love the light you’ve brought to our lives and hopefully will continue too. As long as your happy and at peace that’s all that matters. I know all to well about those unspoken words that haunt you, so glad you chose to speak them this time, I pray for the courage to speak them to my father when the time comes, I missed it with my mom, aunt, and all three grandparents I knew. So much love your way, your amazing, keep on keeping on 😘😘
Sweet Tiffany… my heart broke as I read about the many times you’ve gone through the hospice experience with a loved one. Please know that our hearts go out to you! I am here to remind you that you do not owe any of us anything, including a daily laugh. No one should begrudge you time to heal your broken heart. You’re a great person but no one can be “up” 24/7. This posting was very special to me as I’ve been through the hospice experience once up close and once from a distance. The picture of your dad and Kaiden made me cry because I have a similar picture of my mother-in-law (who was hours away from drawing her last breath) holding her 6 month old great-grandson’s hand. It is both the most beautiful and saddest picture I own. It’s never easy to watch anyone take their last breath. We love you and support you no matter what your mood might be on any particular day, week or month. Please take as much time as you need to heal your broken heart. Take care of yourself and come back to us if it’s something you WANT to do, not because it’s something you feel you have to do because there are people who follow you that would be disappointed if you didn’t. Love and BIG HUGS!
Bawling! God love you!
I send my deep condolences on your loved ones passing. I pray you continue to find the strength to know you are valued and loved. Continue your deep love for those who deserve you. Above all thank you for being transparent.
My prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you were able to say the things you wanted to say. God bless you and may he and your mom and dad rest in peace.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and helping everyone know that they are not alone when they struggle with grief. Take care of you and your family. I don’t know you personally but I am sending you a hug. 💜
You are a beautiful soul❤
Brought me to wholesome good tears. Prayers of comfort to you and your family and thank you for writing and sharing this. The world needs more of this. Real. Love.
Sometime we do feel alone and drained, especially if not able to processed..I am proud of you and your journey,I am cheering you on, btw He sounds like a remarkable man, a true Angel in your life
Tiffany I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother unexpectedly on April 1st and have been lost ever since. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family during this time of great sorrow. I continue to tell myself our loved ones are so much better off than we are and we will see them again. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does give me comfort. I pray you find comfort and peace all around you during this time and for all the days to come. Sending much love from me to you.
Oh darling, I’m so sorry for your losses. I lost my mom unexpectedly in 2019, then my beloved stepmom in early 2020, then my dad in late 2020. I feel you so much, especially the part of being orphaned and a core loneliness that just aches.
Thank you for your touching, inspiring sharing of your life. You being so many of us so much joy and love; I hope you can feel a bit of that love coming back to you.
Tiffany..this is one of the most beautifully written ways of speaking what’s in your heart and mind and I could help but have tears stream downy face ..I’m so very sorry for your loss but in the same so very happy for all your memories with him and you will carry those with you your entire life.Bless your heart right now hug your loved ones tight and remember self care you are quite special…thank you for being who you are all the way🥰..Love,Linda Adams
Thank you for sharing ur story. Prayers are with you and your family.
This is beautiful and so sorry you have went through so much pain and sorrow!!! Be so proud of yourself for all you have conquered! Prayers for all
Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts. Sending you thoughts of comfort & peace, Tiffany..
I did this with two very important loved ones in my life as well. I’ve also missed a few but I was so happy that I was able to tell them what they met to me and my daughter while they were still here. Thank you for sharing. Stay blessed and for being a blessing.
Wow! Thank you for sharing these profound and very meaningful thoughts with ALL of us. I too had this realization in January when My favorite man in the world passed away. My grandfather. The only Man that loved me. I was sooooo blessed to have these “hard convos” with him, as he was fading. From one humans heart to yours, much love, compassion, and healing being sent!
I feel your love and loss so much in your words. I have tears rolling down my cheeks knowing the sadness you are feeling my friend. I am so glad you were able to share your thoughts with him. You all will forever carry the lessons of pure love you have learned from him. I love you.❤️
Thank you, Tiffany, for sharing these glimpses into past and very recent sacred encounters with loved ones. Grief is so hard, whether it’s simple or complicated. I hope and pray for you that someday you are able to forgive yourself for unsaid things. I personally believe the folks who loved you already knew your heart anyway. Grace and love to you as you sit with heavy feelings. May memories of all of their love also bring you peace.
Tiffany, you are so eloquent yet so real. Grief is heavy and exhausting. I’m happy you finally said what you needed to say. There is a small, certain peace that comes with that. Please take care of yourself. It’s so easy to isolate at times like these. Sending love and positive, healing vibes your way from California. You always make me smile. I too suffer from anxiety and depression. Wish you didn’t have to suffer; grateful to know I’m not alone. PEACE. LOVE.
As you know, one moment at a time. Lean on those who are genuine. My heart is heavy for you and your family. ❤️
Wow, how beautiful written! I’m so sorry for your loss. You have my heart, and for only briefly getting to meet you in Joliet in person, I love the person you are and are becoming. I’m honored to be a Patreon and Supporter to you. I’m lifting you in prayer and hope you feel the ton of people who are holding you virtually and hurt with you during this time. Even in your dark hours you share a light and put words out that help others. I hate you are experiencing loss again. Please do what you need to do and take time out for you and your family. You are loved and lifted by us so that you don’t have to do anything. I don’t think I’m making sense anymore so I’ll quit rambling. Love your face!!
Dearest Tiffany and your loving Family. My heart breaks for you during this time of loss. I send virtual hugs of love & support. You covered all the emotions that most of us can relate to. I see death as the truth we must all live with in life. You have endured various levels of pain & struggle to become a better person for all the right reasons. Thank you for having such a big heart and sharing your struggles and achievements. GOD BLESS
Such raw truth and emotion. Thank you for sharing your realness. This is a beautiful reminder to love others and ourselves, even in the hardest stage of life, which is death. God bless you and your family.
Oh Tiff. I’m crying so hard for you now. I’m grieving with you. You are such a beautiful soul and I pray for peace for you. I’m so happy you got to say what you really felt. It is so healing. God bless you sweet girl, I send love and hugs.
This post was so very beautiful and touched my heart! What a journey you personally have gone through to get to this place of not leaving anything unsaid and how important that is. My dad was 87 last year and was about to get the jab. He was in ok health but he needed oxygen to walk and I felt like I did not want him to risk any reaction to it. But it was his decision and I respect that. But something told me to celebrate him before he did this. I pulled the family together for a Zoom celebration for a belated birthday and all of us, grandkids and all, spent 1 hr and 45 minutes laughing with him, asking great questions about his life, etc. It was pure joy and I recorded the whole thing so we would always be able to look at it. 10 days later he died suddenly which in all honesty is how he wanted to go. I was heartbroken as was our entire family. He was my best friend. But not a day went by without talking with him and telling him I loved him and now I have this beautiful video of that Zoom call that brings me joy to watch. YOU ARE RIGHT! Take every chance you get, clean up messes, share your love and have no regrets. Hugs to you!
I am so moved by this. Death, especially for an addict in recovery, is a heartbreaking and terrifying thing. As addicts our default is to numb, to not feel, to disappear into a void of nothingness. Death reminds us of those emotions that some of us would rather not have to experience, the ones that feel too intense to bare. By sharing your experience you are able to lead by example, to show that, even in the most painful times, it is possible to walk through those feelings of great sadness without controlling or shutting out the experience. I always say there are life saving and life giving emotions, no “good” or “bad” emotions. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope!
I’m so sorry for your loss I’m so glad you had these final beautiful moments so many don’t get those and took are so very lucky. I know nothing anyone says will make it any easier to deal with the pain, but just know we all feel great empathy for you and your family.
You’re an amazing writer and captured so much of what I’ve felt but couldn’t express. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad you exist
I always ask The Lord why some of us have to experience so much pain. You have endured an unmeasurable amount of grief. I lost my grandparents. I lost my first best friend, my little sister when she was 18. I lost my mother when I was 28. I recently lost my husband of almost 21 years. He passed 5 mo ago. He was 48. We have 4 children. I’m only 38. I have lost so much. I see beauty in the grief. There’s a poem in the “The Little Women” book. From Joe to Beth. It perfectly describes the transformation we go through when we lose a loved one. “My wild nature more serene”. We can choose to grow beautiful gardens out of the pain. The Bible says beauty for ashes. The refiners fire. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.