Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Im so sad you had to lose so many close to you. Your words are pure and beautiful. As a mom that’s 45 with cancer my heart breaks to know you lost yours. Im glad you shared your story. So we that read it can learn from your example. I will tell my children what I feel what I think with out fear. My son is 27 with addictions. He will know everything I feel for him and how much love and joy he brought me. Thank you Tiffany for sharing private things so we can follow your lead. I believe you will see them again and they will tell you how very special you are. Till then may I tell you your very special! To see all you have overcome. It gives hope to do many.
I am so sorry for all your loss, but grateful you had the opportunity to have such a meaningful and beautiful conversation with your step-dad before he passed. It is a gift. Thank you also for your raw honesty with us and the great reminder to surround ourselves with love and joy and to express our love for others all the time. You are awesome!
Thankyou for sharing your story. You have been so honest and forthcoming about your past. You are an inspiration to so many people who are struggling. I watched both of my parents pass on to the next life. But the hardest time was watching my daughter pass. She suffered so much in life and in death. I miss them all so much. I pray 🙏 that God will hold you up during this trying time. Bless you.
I am so sorry for all of your loss. I lost my Dad when I was 9 and my Mom over 13 years ago. I understand the pain of feeling like an orphan first hand. Sending you my Love.
That was sad and beautiful at the same time.Sending hugs and kisses to you and your family at a hard time in your life.May God keep and bless you.
Thank you for sharing something so incredibly personal. I have never spoken of my regrets about my Dads passing 10 years ago. I needed to say things that I couldnt speak and now I say them to a gravestone. You are an amazing person and I appreciate you. Thank you!
My heartfelt thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones Tiffany. May God’s perpetual light shine upon him and all our dearly departed. Stay strong. Keep going.💛🙏💫
I’m an addict. I have regrets. My parents and step parents are gone.
The ‘season’ is real. We look forward to babies and weddings and graduations…these are milestones. So is death. Few look forward to that one.
I’ve decided that somehow in the Great Beyond, all those unsaid things that now reside in my soul,..are said, my bloopers are explained, my intentions, clarified. All is forgiven and loose ends are tied up in an ‘all knowing’ understanding of our relationship. But for me…the unspoken words do haunt me. The unresolved struggles. And I also know that my day will come. I will leave this life and perfect understanding will be mine. Jesus said the most beautiful and prophetic words…His last uttering, “It is finished”. And in that moment, He had perfect understanding.
I wish you peace. Thank you for the laughs and lightening this experience we call life. Only an addict can truly appreciate the depths of the humor as well as the struggles. And thanks for dipping out and taking care of you. You are beholden to no one but you and yours. 💜💜💜
You really helped me to understand love ones dying and what to say to them. Thankyou, thankyou. Life sucks and yet we have to keep moving on thru it. My loved ones are gone and I miss them terribly. You have made life easier for me and others. Thankyou again
Tiffany this story hits so close to my heart. I also lost my mother at a young age (not quite as young as yours – but to me it was too soon). As I stood by her bedside during her last 24 hours, I wanted HER to tell me so many things, to give me some wisdom, guidance, love for her grandkids… something. She wasn’t able to. Morphine will do that. I now know after reading your story, that it should have been ME telling HER all the things. I know that she knew how much I loved her, but I should have told her so much more. Tears in my eyes now and the lump in my throat fills me with regret for what I didn’t say. I am so happy you were able to leave nothing unsaid this time. I know how much growth this will bring to you. Thank you so much for sharing! It has impacted my life today. Love you bunches.
Sending you all of the love my heart can give. I lost my dad late 2021 and so much was left unsaid. I’m glad to see you got a chance to get that closure Wythe over of your most important people ❤
I know exactly how you are and were feeling. My mom passed at 39 after a 3 yr bout with cancer. So many things I should have said.. but I was only 16. My father passed of cancer 10 years later… again I wished I had told him how proud I was of his strength. My sister was on her last day a few years back and I opened wide up and we talked and cried. I closed all of their eyes for the last time. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this time after time. My heart breaks for you because you see, I know what you’re going through!
This post is absolute truth, I know all to well about loss and heartache about things that have been and are still unsaid. Just know you are never alone and your doing a great job! I write everything down it’s a true release of every feeling. I always tell myself I am where I am at with growth. What ever happens happens and whatever doesn’t I will get there when the time is right. I’ve followed you forever, and I don’t personally know you but know your loved and an inspiration xoxo sending you my heartfelt condolences and love and light.
Wow, that was beautiful, I thank God every day that I had the chance 4 different times to express my thoughts and feelings to those on hospice , grandparents, dad and father in law . He was the hardest because everyone else was afraid to say much so I went in and said it all . Thanked him for his son and all that has happened with four grown kids etc. that we would never forget grandpa chippy and we would see him again .
I’m sorry your hospice team did not encourage you for your earlier losses. One of the reasons for hospice is to find ways for families to have closure and express their feelings. Sorry you didn’t get to do that before
Hi. I’ve NEVER done this before and probably won’t ever again. I gathered you had lost someone close. I too have just lost my mum (20th march) For the most part of my 50 yrs we had a very large part of our relationship fractured over decisions that she made that impacted my life in a profound and life changing way. 8th April we laid her to rest and I feel very much like you in terms of all I ever wanted to say was never said and what’s more I miss her like I NEVER thought I would and I hate myself for that!. So, friend that I don’t know, I’m with you all the way and I’m so sorry for your loss but so pleased you got to say, eventually, all what you wanted to say.. And in my speech at the funeral I said, tomorrow is a gift.. we all rush around and miss the opportunity to say and do what, in times like this we hate ourselves for not saying, so stop.. Tell the people that you care for that you love them and don’t let another second of another day go by without telling people how much they mean to you, make that call, text that message.. Whatever it is do it!
Tiffany,my name is Kerry and I want you to know that I’m right here and I get it. I’m hiding away right now, don’t wanna see no one, talk to no one or have company. I hope your doing better than me. Much love to you and your family. From the UK.
Oh Tiffany, so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. God is loving and provides peace and healing. But, everyone heals at their own pace. Take your time. You may be a public figure, whom we love, but you aren’t responsible for us. You give a lot. Be with your family and take the time you need.
Btw. I never ever respond to things but felt God lead to send this to you.
With love, Traci
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and peace ♥️♥️
You are amazing, thank you for sharing, for the majority of reading this it was as if I wrote this, I am so sorry, I am spending as much time that is left my the man my kids have only known as grandpa I’m so blessed to know him
My heart broke for you while reading your beautiful tribute to those you’ve loved and lost. I will be praying for peace, joy, and purpose to overwhelm the grief in due time. Allow yourself time to cry and to heal. ❤️ We are all cheering you on. And when I say that I am praying for you and your family, I mean it. So much love to you and yours.
Your strength is so powerful, I’m so sorry for the loss you have had to endure . But I think it just makes you even stronger as a person and I know myself I look up to your strength and I know tons of people feel the same way
Wow, this was so moving. I find myself sobbing as I read it. Growing up we were attending so many funerals I started to go numb to them. When my Grandmother died of cancer, that was the first time I truly felt grief. Then, just a few years ago, I lost my best friend to cancer. She was my age, and watching her fade was the most painful thing I’ve ever done.
Reading this is a reminder that both life and death can be equally beautiful.
I think you’re an incredible person. I read your 1st book and follow you regularly. I almost feel like I know you in a very strange way. Thank you for all that you do for others.♡
I started reading this telling myself I wouldn’t cry because I knew eventually I would. You remind me so much of myself with the joking and being such an woman! I have lost both my parents, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and a week later she passed, she didn’t make it to hospice. It was hard, unexpected and I got very depressed. But I knew I needed to be there for my boys. Jump ahead 3 years later my father passed away at our home. We laugh at the way he was found knowing he was laughing when he died he was such a joker and probably thought it was hilarious! I used to transport patients to many locations and the hardest ones were to hospice.
Love you! You are inspiring and incredible person
I lost my mom before I ever had kids and have really missed them getting to know each other. I’ve shared stories about her so that they know her anyway. I lost my dad and mother-in-law a few years later, and our kids had grown to love them immensely. Then we lost my father-in-law a few years ago,and it was really hard on our family. We have drawn closer as a family unit. You are right…death of a loved one does change you forever. But it is possible to come out stronger and prioritize the important things and people in your life. Prayers for you as you navigate this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong and beautiful woman.
Oh Tiffany, I feel these words. Praying for you as you process this grief as well as your mama’s and your dad’s. I respect your privacy and admire your openness. I think sharing helps move through grief and it helps others understand when they are in that position. Praying continued peace over you and your family.
Thank you, pencil and paper works. Said beautifully. As I have heard in meetings , if asked to speak, do, because it could save someone’s life.
Such a journey grief is. Good job sharing .
Hugs to you and your family.
This is so beautiful and there are so many gifts that you are receiving. I hope you will forgive yourself for the past and let this be an opportunity for great healing. They all live on in your big beautiful heart and you will bring that love into the world through your strength and determination. Lots of love to you and the knowing that your journey is one that inspires so many.
I am right there with ya lady. Hospice for both of my Grandparents in my late teens early 20’s. My Dad, my life rock, my constant this past December. He was to me what your step father was to you. He went quick. But the day’s leading up a rough. He was going to transition into hospice care in the morning he passed. I wish I could give you a giant fucking hug🥹💜. I get it.
I wish I had the words to take the pain away. You are an amazing caring soul and you take as much time as you need to heal. We all love and miss you. Hope things cheer up for you soon!!
I’m so very sorry for your losses. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 My prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. Take the time you need that’s a very important part of grief.
I am crying at work after reading this… it was beautifully written and I am so thankful for you and you letting us all into your life .❤
Thank you for sharing and God bless you and your family. Sorry for all your losses. I can relate to much of your story… having lost my mom and grandma when I was young and not whispering what I needed to before they left. Flash forward several years and over 7 years in recovery…I have recently reconnected with my grandfather who is still alive and kicking at 94. I have made the effort for my kids to have a relationship with him too. I will say the things now. Thank you for the nudge. Much love.
I have been in these situations also and urgently pray for your peace and comfort during this time in your life! It’s hard to do but so worth it to tell those you love how you feel before the chance is gone. I will forever be grateful to have had the chance. Thank you for all the joy you bring to our lives and I hope all of us(your fans) can in some way help you this time!
I love your unfiltered realness. I just lost my “other Dad” in November. I was there for his final breath. I still have the reminder alarm set on my phone for his meds. I cant erase it. I see you, I hear you. Your words bring comfort in knowing someone else has been there too.
I hope you soon realize how blessed and special you are. You were with them as they departed. Not everyone is equipped to handle these journeys. You are. You are chosen. Yes you will battle daily with sadness but remind yourself how special YOU are. You are blessed to be a life ambassador for so many as they begin anew. Let me, a stranger, remind you of your specialness!
Thank you for sharing this story. It is helping me process the deaths of my own family. I guess there’s only so long one can stuff all the emotions inside. Tears are healing. Thank you once again.
Beautifully said. May you somehow, someway find peace.
Beautifully written about a heartbreaking chapter of life. I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss. What an amazing gift that you had him and were present to speak the purest living words to him. Prayers and hugs during this time.
So sorry for your loss. Your words really resonate with me, as we have lost our Grandson recently. And there were alot of unspoken words. So I agree tell your Loved ones NOW.❤❤❤
Hey Tiffany ,
Hi
I was moved to tears by your words.
I lost My Dad July 2019 n My Mom December 2019.
I could write a very long post but even after all this time my soul is exhausted and my heart broken.
Maybe that’s abnormal.
I dont know.
I dont care.
I still out of the blue will cry.
I still can’t look at a picture of them for more than 20 seconds without tearing up,but……last year it was 10,so….
I’m grateful God let me keep them for 55 years….and that even with health problems He let them stick around to see their one n only grandchild become an adult. That kid completed their life and I am so glad God gave her to them.
It’s ironic though … how you can be an adult for many,many,many years and then lose a parent and feel like a lost,sad child again.
Sometimes it feels like yesterday….sometimes like forever ago.
Losing them was the hardest thing that ever happened to my head and heart.
You take care,Tiffany.
All that love you will all be here when you’re ready .
One Day At A Time….
💛
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re so brave for saying the things you know you needed to even though it may have been uncomfortable. I pray for your peace now. It’s so very hard to lose a loved one and especially a parent. Thank you for your vulnerability with him and with your readers.
I see you honey…I also said goodbye to a loved one in hospice last week. Praying for you💜
That was moving, inspiring and beautiful!! Thank you for sharing something so personal. I have held the hands of many while transitioning…patients and family alike. But being with my dad at the end was both heartbreaking and a blessing. Like you, i was able to say so much i needed to say…and although he could not speak, he squeezed my hand and looked into my soul and i knew he understood and my heart knew heard what he would have said if he could.
Again….thank you.
This is absolutely beauitful said god bless you and your family ! Watching a loved in a hospice situation is awful and peaceful at the same time knowing the pain they are feeling is overand going to a better place !🙏🌹
This hits home!! I think even beyond an addiction, being young and not knowing how to deal with death, even in my 20’s left me feeling guilty that I hadn’t done or said all I needed to. It took me years to forgive myself for unspoken words and un shared love! I try and tell everyone I love them a lot these days and hope I will have the courage going forward to express to my family my love and leave no words un said!!
Thank you for sharing!!
Sending you love and hugs!!
Sending your family and you prayers . And hugs. When my dad was going I just sit next to him and told him I love him and I will always do my best and I will keep your memories alive with the grandchildren and your great grandchildren .
Thank you so much for sharing this, I am caring my my granny while on hospice and it gave me a minute to cry, a much needed cry. It’s been so hard to see her change. It forget who I was today after caring for her for the last six years. I will be praying for you guys, because I know it’s hard. I am right there with you.
I read this post as I’m currently caring for my father who is on hospice. Thank you for reminding me to tell him again how much I love him. May you find peace during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a victory to be able to say the words you wanted and needed to say. We do miss your posts, but I do love your heart.
Every word of this amazing share screams at my soul. My husband is a only child. So when his mom became ill I stepped as a daughter and cared for her. She was not in our home but I did everything for her. I was able to make all things in our past right with her. Unfortunately my husband was upset and bitter towards her. He said if she took better care of herself she would not be in the position. He abandoned her. So I took over everything for her. The sad part is he never got to make peace with her. And to this day he carries it inside of him. Anytime he speaks of her it’s always in a negative context. I will not go there with him because every time I defend her (his mother) it dose not go well. So I shut down. Anytime I would invite him to go see her with me and our little boys he would make his negative comment and not go. I would get offended for her. All that to say I 1000% agree with you tell the ones you love how you feel now no boundaries. Clear bad bad relationships NOW make them right. As hard as it may be….be the bigger person.