Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
As a Hospice Nurse, I’m so glad you shared this story! A lot of people struggle with end of life and talks that surround it. It’s a conversation I have with many people on a daily basis. I always tell those loved ones, please talk to them! They can hear you, they just can’t respond back to you. Talking to them is actually a huge step in the healing process of grieving. Talking to them is so important. I remind families to give personal one on one time for those intimate conversations that need to be said. Most hospice company’s have a Bereavement Specialist, reach out to them and they specialize in kids too in case they are having difficulty. We offer a Grief camp in May for kids 5-18. God Bless you! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time! Can’t wait to see you/meet you in May in Peoria!
Sadness envelops you. You have had so much loss. Take Care Tiffany. We all love you deeply.
You are just amazing and so uplifting. I have learned so much from you in such a short time and I will continue to watch and see your journey because you are a truly remarkable person. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t know you but I still send you love.
This is by far one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. As tears pour down my face not because this is your story but because it has been my story as well (with differentloved ones). Loosing those we love dearly is such a battle. My love to you during this time and always.
That was so beautiful Tiffany! I am a former hospice nurse and am so glad you got to experience the beauty that this time can bring. Loving thoughts and prayers for your family!
No words can take away the pain you are feeling, but love and grace is being sent your way.
I lost both of my parents over the past 2 years. I also have things I wish to have said before they passed, but I use quiet time now to share my apologies, thoughts and love. I know they hear me and are with me always.
Hoping you find the peace you need.
I am so very sorry for your losses, especially this most recent one. Prayers of peace and comfort to you and your family! ❤️
Tiffany, that was beautiful. Its a precious thing to love a parent the best you can. Just being there is a precious gift!
Wow. 🤗 That was beautiful! So many thought came to mind while reading this. I lost my mom at 23. It was the first person close to me to pass. We had no social media, computers (not as easily obtainable as today) and phones weren’t as common for people to have. I had no idea about death. I was young, in a troubling relationship with my jr high sweetheart and had a 2 year old. I also worked full time and we recently bought a home. With some much going on in my young life it was so hard to balance time for my mom who was once again in the hospital. I didn’t know it would be the last time and she wouldn’t leave feeling better ever again. My mom didn’t talk to us about life or deep issues. We talked but it was never a learning tool for my mom. So I had a work friend at the time that must have been placed in my life just at that time to help me through the remaining duration of my moms life. I only had just met this friend and she was a few years older than me and wiser by all means. I tried so hard to keep her at a distance but she wasn’t having it. While we would “put reports together” at work she’d press me to talk to my mom. Say all the things I told her I wanted to say. I remember sitting by my moms bed when my sister wasn’t by our side and wanting, literally having a silent conversation with my brain “talk to her dummy”. Tell her everything. I do vaguely remember some conversation but I’m not a great memory person when it comes to some things and while so many parts of my moms death is embedded in my brain I just can’t recall any of the minor deep conversations we may have had. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t really talk to her like I wanted to. I was scared. Of what??? Ugh. We just didn’t talk like that. Or hug. I couldn’t bring myself to hug or love her like I wanted. We had grown away from those types of vulnerabilities. It feels awful. I’d take a time travel to the past any day for us to just be raw and open with each other. I feel the pain of your early passings. My heart goes out to you and like you I hope I lose whatever it is holding me back from opening up during times like that and have those loving conversations to help with peace in the after.
Thinking of you. Big hugs!
I have just lost my mom and even though she passed quickly,at the age of 90, I was so happy I got to spend the day before with her. We gossip, laugh and complained together.
So brave, huge respect for you opening up in this way. Sending love and light for when you need it in dark hours. Take care and go easy on yourself lovely lady xx
I am so sorry for your loss.
But I’m happy you got to say everything you needed to say.
So many of us miss out on that opportunity. This was beautifully written. I can only imagine how proud your parents Grandma (family) must be of you. You’ve come a long way.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers 🙏
God bless you and yours during this time. I’m so glad you guys had peace live and joy during this transition time. May God bless you and keep you in the days to come.
What a blessing for you and him. Words of love shared tenderly. I feel it, completely. I’ve lived it. Peace and grace to you in this personal, emotionally raw time.
Thank You for being so open and sharing this with us. I know this has to be such a hard time for You and Your family. I am glad You got to say goodbye in a way that felt right for You. I understand how the incomplete goodbye can be, and it’s good to hear that You and he were good as he left. I’m crying too and it’s for all of the goodbyes. They all have their own challenges. So.much love to You and Yours!! -Kasey
Hugs and prayers sent to you and your family.
Wow Tiffany!! It takes a little of courage and strength to be able to acknowledge all this in such a beautiful way. I too have lost my core family, including my 3 siblings. I have 2 children. It’s just us now. I have really been struggling with this lately and I’m so glad I saw this because I don’t have to be afraid of the loneliness anymore. Just do the best I can everyday and let my adult kids know how much I love them. Thank you Tiffany 😊 💓
Sending love your way, hugs!💖💖
This was written so beautifully!❤ God bless you!
Tiffany ~ My heart is breaking for U right now. I lost my Mom 22 years ago, & never got to say goodbye, until we meet again & I love U! This post is such a great reminder to be present & love w/ all U’ve got! God Bless U & Ur family at this difficult time! ❤
As I read your post I thought of my own family, my parents. I cannot imagine one of them dying, but both, the step father you loved and all. Thank you for sharing this very transparent and honest message about where you are in this season. I am praying for peace and joy for you and your family during this time.
With a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I feel this in my soul. We all know at some point in our lives we are going to loose a loved one but that doesn’t make it any easier. I have lose several people close to me and watching them go is life changing. Things are never the same again but we must go on. The morning my father died he was in and out but talked to me for several hours. I was in such grief I couldn’t remember what he said or what I said except one thing. He told me to talk to God. I hope you find peace in knowing you said what you wanted to him. May God bless your family
You are so strong and brave for sharing this! Thank you for being open and letting yourself be vulnerable. You’re story helps so many people more than you can ever begin to imagine. Me being one of many!!!! I’m so sorry for your loss and pray for peace and comfort over you and your family. Xoxo 😘
The bond that you and your step-up dad shared, was very much so presented while your family visited(I think it was last year). You could very much so feel the love you and him shared during your live. You went on and on about his cooking, and y’all had an amazing visit, and it was very present in your video’s. You probably don’t recognize my name, but I’ve followed you from the beginning I’m just a silent watcher and don’t comment. But I want you to know that because of your lives you have given me hope and determination, and even helped me out of some unwanted dark days. Thank you for sharing your life, and giving us such precious advise. I did the same with my grandpa, had so much I wanted to say,but I won’t let the worry of what others may think or say stop me from now on. Again thank you! Your sweet family will be in my prayers. Your fans love you and will be here waiting for your return how ever long that needs to be.
My condolences for your loss . I’m so glad you got to be with your dad during this time. Memories you will always cherish and time that you and him got to be together and just share things. Prayers for you and your family and it’s ok to check out for a while just don’t stay there .
Oh Tiffany! I’m so sorry for your loss! I am pouring prayers over you as you grieve. And please don’t let anyone tell you what your grief should look like or that it has a timetable. I’m so glad you left nothing left unsaid with your other dad. That’s a gift. Love you.
Tiff! Greg and send our love and condolences. We are covering you and your family in prayers and loving thoughts.
Love ya
Jen and Mack
Last week 8 days ago on April 6th at 12:43 pm my Dad took his last breath and he left his body. I was blessed to be at his bedside the moment he passed.
It was peaceful and heartbreaking.
I’m thankful that my Dad was able to be on hospice care in his own. The home he built with my stepmom many many years ago.
When the kind men from the funeral home arrived my stepmom asked me if I’d like a moment alone before my dad’s body was taken from his home, I declined. I’d had many moments with my awesome Dad while he lived. I declined a last moment with him because he wasn’t there, he wasn’t in his body. Now I’m able to talk to him whenever I want.
You and your family are in my prayers. Such wise words. ❤️ I can’t help but think you’ve gained much of that wisdom by going through what you have in your young life. Paul told the Corinthians that we go through “stuff” so we can truly be there for others when they go through “stuff”. My prayer today is that these words will touch the heart of someone who needs it. ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father suddenly a few years ago and the hardest part was not getting to chance to say goodbye. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so happy you were able to spend the time with him.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Beautifully written and true. Please take your time to heal. Business is nothing without good mental health. Wishing you all the best.
My mother in law passed a bit over a month ago and your words are so.true. i did not say all I wanted to say…
I got very little time alone with her covid and visiting rules. And was not sure what to say to encompass it all….
Take all the time you need and rely on your family for support
Xox
Well that just brought me to tears. I also have an “other” dad who helped me, held me, and has loved me for all of my life. He now has a new wife and adopted daughter and still video chats with me on her birthday so that I can “be” at the party as well despite living on the complete opposite coast. It takes a special person to love someone else kid that hard and I will be forever grateful to him for it. He helped me get through college and now I have my dream job cleaning fossils. His love and dedication helped make my life as wondeful as it. So thank you for the gentle reminder to give him a call. And please know that you are never alone. You have a wonderful family and an army of loyal fans that love your funny, spunky, truthful personality. Sending my deepest condolences for your loss and please know I appreciate you sharing this very hard time in your life. It made me think of saying goodbye to my Aunt Margie and my best college buddy, Darcy, who died at 24 (cancer is the worst) and all the things I wished I’d said but I, like you, will do better next time and from now on by telling my loved ones that I love them regularly. Thank you for this heartfelt reminder to cherish our loved ones.
Your family is looking down on you with nothing but love ❤️ Sending strength and love!
Tiffany, I am so sorry to hear this– you’ve always spoken about your 2nd dad in such a loving way. Your words brought tears to my eyes, as I remembered holding my father’s hand as he took his last breath. You are strong, and wise beyond your years, to realize what’s truly important in this life… family, and loving one another. You’re a bright light to so many– please know you’re in our thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing❤️ Death definitely changes things and it’s a weird feeling. I relate to everything you say here. Glad you were able to have the chance to speak the things you wanted to say! What a great memory to carry those words he spoke back to you. Sending love and prayers for you.
You have experienced one of the great transitions of life, to truly be with a loved one as they pass from this place to the next. Thank you for sharing your truth. Shine on sister, been where you were, and so hapoy we are all here now together. Love you
I truly understand. I lost both my parents to cancer, my mom when she was just 42. I also lost my son from a drug overdose when he was 27. Heartbreaking. Never got to say anything to my son. Still haunts me to this day
I am so proud of you, you are a strong soul my dear you have been through alot in your life and i am glad you have chosen to omit from your life the people and things that bring with them, negativety…
Sometimes we can say more in writing than in speech and you said it perfectly.
Our lives cant always be sunshine,lollipops and rainbows, some occurances cannot be controlled but it is possible to control some things..important things…
Death of loved ones is one of the hardest things to put our existance through, we have our periods of greivence, some greive longer than others untill we finally accept the loss with the faith in knowing that death is only a vacation away from eachother and at the end of that vacation, we will all be together again….untill then, hold onto the memories, embrace those around you even harder, live life to the fullest and never be afraid to allow your emotions to flow.
Thank you for sharing a part of your private life….your fans love you and understand your absence and when you are strengthened and ready to return to again fill us with laughter, we will all be right here waiting for you. Take as much time as your heart needs ❤
My heart is with you. Nothing can be said to ease your pain, but I am so sorry. I remember “meeting” him not too long ago in a live you did while you were all visiting the lake house. I was still on bed rest with my daughter. Watching all of your content was my daily excitement. Lol
I watched as you both chatted back and forth laughing and thought to myself how blessed you both are to have each other.
Before you ever spoke your goodbye words, I know he knew how much you loved him. You could see it on your face. I could see how much you loved him.
I’m so glad you were able to have that final moment though. To let what you two share in your hearts out into the air in beautiful words.
When I was about 15 maybe?.. my biological grandmother died from cancer in the hospital. My mom was adopted so this was her birth mother that she had found at age 25. Anyway, I remember in my heart telling myself I wanted to thank her for doing the hardest thing in her life to give my mom a better life. I wanted to tell her she did the right thing and that we were all okay and understood. I was weird (still am) about showing emotion in front of anyone. So that last hospital visit I let myself walk out but something inside almost forced me to tell my family to wait for me and I turned back into her room and I thanked her.
We are all so woven and connected in so many different ways.
You’re a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing with us and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts along with the rest of your family.
He is proud, Tiffany and he sounds fantastic.
I’ve lost so many close family and friends suddenly, without warning. Car accidents, overdoses, heart attacks, strokes, etc. Come to think of it, only my maternal grandmother passed away after a time we had to prepare for her passing. Everyone else came from THAT dreadful call. Over time I have taken to leaving no topic off the table for discussions. Afterlife beliefs, appreciation, love, hurt, etc. and it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But It leaves me with no regrets. I sleep tight knowing they all know how much I love them and appreciate them and how important they are to me. If that makes me intense or awkward, sobeit ! So sorry for your loss. You did a huge thing. Despite the inevitable grief, You should be proud of that. You stopped the cycle. Hugs to you!
I feel for you, Tiff. My Step-Father and my real father both passed away suddenly 6 weeks apart in 2020. I never got to say good bye or apologize for my addiction issues (I’ve been sober for a year and a half now). I’m so happy you got to be there with your bonus Dad and tell him all the things. I’m keeping you in my prayers.
Tiffany, I am so very sorry for all that you have endured. Your story, and your words specifically, have touched my heart. This part, “Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken” feels like the exact words that my heart has been feeling for so long. I often feel like I’m the only person on the planet that knows this feeling. And, although it does not make me happy to hear of your pain, knowing that there are others that can relate to my story, makes me realize that we all have to love and live as strongly and fiercely as we can while we are on this earth. I am thinking of you. And I’m hoping that you will find peace from the pain in time.
❤
My thoughts and prayers and heart goes out to you during this time. Within the last 3 weeks I’ve lost my older brother oh, and his oldest daughter was killed by her husband in a domestic dispute 2 weeks after my brother’s death. I know how you’re feeling I know my family is still reeling from the losses. Keep your faith in God it’s the only way
My heart is with you ❤ take care of yourself
I’m so sorry Tiffany ❤️ loss of a deeply loved family member is so incredibly difficult. Hang in there. I’m glad you told him all the things ❤❤❤
Praying for peace for your heart and for your family during this time. 🙏