Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
A very moving and important sentiment. I’m very sorry for your loss and appreciate that you were able to have the conversation that is often missed before losing a loved one.
Beautifully written Tiffany. I felt every word and every emotion. Despite your insurmountable heartache I want to thank you for sharing your experience so courageously. Hug your babies tightly and tell them all the stories of your loved ones passed. Keep them alive in your memories and in time I pray your grief will become less consuming. Take it easy. All our love x
Sending a massive hug, Tiffany. You’re a light in this world.
I pray Lord for You to give Tiffany security of mind and surround her with your love and protection. ❤❤❤❤❤
Bless you and I’m terribly sorry for all your losses. I lost my brother at 32 unexpectedly 8 years ago and my best friend of 34 was on hospice and passed away 3 years ago in May. I’ve had my share of hospice stories and my brother was in a coma and I didn’t properly get to say goodbye. My best friend was also in a drug induced coma but we had our time way longer than expected but still a huge blow. Your family is watching over you and I’m sure so proud of how far you have come. My brother died from sepsis but abused drugs and was getting sober. I believe he would still he alive today if his body wasn’t put through the abuse. My uncle also died by drinkng himself to death. So I have addiction in my family and have seen the awful parts and the being sober parts. Stay strong, stay sober and make them proud.
So sorry for your loss, your words are an inspiration for us to leave nothing unsaid in love. Wishing u and your family love and peace during this time.
Your words have brought back so many memories of losing my mom to alzheimers 11 years ago. I was her caretaker for many years before she got to the point of not remembering who I was. She new she lived me and that was enough for me to get through all of my grief on a day to day basis. I’m glad you were able to open up to your dad before he passed. Losing your parents changes you in a way you wil b ever understand until you go through it. You bring so much laughter to me and I want to thank you for that! You are a remarkably strong person for all of what you have go through in your life and the hard lessons you’ve learned along the way. One thing you have taught me is to laugh more, enjoy life more and to be your silly self even if no one else gets you. Thank you for sharing your incredibly personal story with us!
Sending my love & healing vibes. I’m proud of you.
Thank you for sharing. We all go through similar stages. I only recently met my biological father because he was diagnosed with ALS. We had 3 short years together, but it was such a blessing and I will forever be grateful for his courage to say the things that needed saying while he still could. Your page is a safe, comforting place that this world needs so badly. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
You are amazing and loved by even us who don’t really know you in life I strive to be like you more ..sunshine and warmth in a cold crazy world.. my heart goes out to you because loss is undeniably hard and life altering..thank you for all you do.
So sorry for your loss seems like not enough to say, so instead I will tell you so happy for your memories ❤. More than 10 years ago I held my father’s hand as he passed in hospice, it was just the two of us at the end and I spent years regretting my unsaid thank yous and apologies for everything in my life but I came to realize that those were about me, and being there in that moment together said it all. Hold on to the LIFE, not those final moments with the people you have loved and lost, I am certain as they moved from one life to another those are the things they carried with them. Hugs and many prayers for peace and healing as you move through this season of your life. Just as they all touched your life and helped shape the woman you have become, you shape the lives of others with the humor, and light, and experience you share, that is how you honor those you have loved, you are never alone ❤
I hope it was as therapeutic for you to write as it was for all of us to read. The message was very powerful. I obviously do not know you, but I am proud that you took your time and showed great restraint in the “when” and “how much” you chose to share with all of your fans. You are certainly a great example. I have laughed at your humor and wit for a few years. And now I have shed tears at your humanity and grace.
Which means we are pretty much best friends now, right? Hahahaha! Take care!
So sorry for your loss. And thank you for your message of hope and love. Hugs and prayers to you.
This is beautifully written and so relatable, it moved me to tears. I am so sorry for all of your loss. X
Very sad and articulate. You have been through a lot and stay strong. You are an inspiration. We all have problems, issues but you always make me feel better. I hope you feel better.
Thank you for sharing…and giving us all a nudge to really talk to the people we love and who love us. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Tiffany, thank you for the personal update and experiences. If it could be said that dying is beautiful, then your final moments with your step dad were just that. I’m sure he felt loved and appreciated more than you know. As older parents, it means so much to hear that from our grown children. Well done. When my mother was in hospice, the grief counselor said to say five things : I love you, thank you, I love you, I forgive you and good bye. Wise words I think. Take care of yourself and your family. Sending love and sympathy. Remember your heavenly Father cares for you, so turn to Him in prayer.
Tiffany, I am a Hospice nurse I consider it a honor to be able to spend time with the family and there loved one when they pass. I was privileged to be able to take care of my mother who passed away from Alzheimer’s and I got to hear her last breath. I want you to know that you are a very brave oh, caring and loving woman and even though you may not have spoken the words to your mom or your grandmother they knew where your heart was.
My sincere sympathy for you and your family. I appreciate your honesty and rawness of everything you say and do. I’m am sure we all feel the same but for some reason can not speak what we feel. Thank you and God bless.
Love your children as those you love have loved you. Embrace each moment you can to the fullest. Take videos of those you love!! Life is so very precious ❤️
I’m so sorry for your recent loss as well as the many before. Those of us who have an understanding of your struggle are grateful for you and your willingness to be an open book. May you find peace and comfort in these trying times.
Tiffany, I love you today and everyday. I’m so sorry for your loss but so proud of you for speaking what was in your heart to someone you loved and admired. You bring such joy to all of us and we only want the same for you.
I want you to know that I feel connected to you for your honesty and life lessons you continue to share. Your Sent of humor is the best bonus.. Thank you for helping others by being real. Praying for you and yours.
One day at a time,
Tammy
It’s so very difficult to say goodbye to a loved one. I’ve had three encounters with hospice and I understand where you’re at. Prayers for you and know that you are loved. Take care of yourself and your beautiful family.
I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you had the strength to have those coversations.
May his higher power grant him peace. And you a restful heart.
Tiffany, you’re a beautiful person. I pray for your peace and comfort at this time. I lost my momma, my best friend, just a couple weeks before Christmas 2020. It was sudden and I wasn’t there with her and that almost killed me. There’s so much I would have said, had I known. But we never know for sure, so I agree. Tell those you love what they mean to you every chance you get. Make it weird😉
So much love for you and yours, take your time, it’s precious.
These are very wise words. Thank you for sharing. Saying good bye to somebody you love is never easy. Sorry you have just went through that, but enlightened by your words. Take care.
You are so incredibly strong and your babies are so lucky to have you as their mother. I’m sorry for your families loss of such a special person in your lives. Sending love and prayers to you all 🤍
Oh my goodness, you wrote this in such a real, raw, and truthful way. It brought tears to my eyes and made me think about the way I deal with death and illness and my own very similar inability to say meaningful things and express emotion to those I love. Reading this has probably created a memory that I will store and come back to the next time that I struggle to let the words leave my lips. So thank you for sharing and thank you for being real. And bless you and your family during your time of loss.
Sorry. Love you.
Prayers for you and your family.
So. Many. Hugs. What a bare and truthful heart talk. Thank you. And thank you for the reminder we don’t have to wait till the hospice bed to love on those around us but when we do, we need to take advantage of the blessing at that moment.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this time. Thank you for sharing this even though I am sure it was difficult to write. It is a great reminder to tell the people we love just how much and oftern.
I am so so sorry for your loss but what a powerful message for us all to live by!! And for your step dad to love you as his own is a true gift!! I am a single mom but long for someone who does just that to my babies! I am so fortunate they have a step mom who does though!! praying for you and your babies as you navigate your life without him but he will forever be watching over you..,so proud of the woman you have become!
God Bless You & Your Family!!
What a beautiful tribute all of your family members who have gone before you.
IMay the good memories you shared bring you peace and comfort in the days ahead.
I Love you Tiffany!
This is by far one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. As tears pour down my face not because this is your story but because it has been my story as well (with differentloved ones). Loosing those we love dearly is such a battle. My love to you during this time and always.
Thank you for sharing the lessons you have learned, so that others may do differently. You have experienced a lot of loss for your young age. May you find comfort in the Lord.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate. My brother, who just turned 62, died on 3/29 from congestive heart failure. He too, went to hospice for about a week before he passed. I can relate to this on almost every single level. 🙏🙏♥️♥️
Thank you for writing this…
This is so beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss, and the losses before yesterday’s. I am sure he has also told your family what a wonderful daughter they have.❤️
Thank you for sharing. I wasn’t able to talk to my husband because he was already not there when I got to the emergency room. I was there when they took him off the machines and I held his hand as he passed. 20 months today. I try and live each day to the fullest while still processing my grief.
My sincere condolences
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. My dad died a year ago today and this helps to bring back some of the good things we shared before he died. It is like a balm to my sad heart. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s really hard. I’m grateful you got the gift of telling him how much he meant to you. You blessed and honored him. We’ll done.
Thank you for your thoughts 💗. I lost my father about 2months ago. We didn’t make it to Hospice, my Dad chose to die with medical intervention. It was not pretty or peaceful, it was messy and angry and traumatic. My heart and love to you Tiffany 💗
I am a hospice volunteer. Have done this for many years. Your words are so beautiful and I am so happy you got to be with your dad. You are a remarkable lady. I love you like a sister. God bless you. Sorry for loss.
I am so sorry for your loss Tiffany. It is so hard to lose a parent or both, a sibling or husband, All I have lost in the very short time of 6 years. You don’t have to so strong for your fans. You are the first and foremost person along with your family. Take that time, grief has no limits and when you are in the right place, keep your fans updated. If they care they will understand. You have my condolences dear.
You are an incredible person. The Lord loves you and your core family is at peace, whole, wrong and happy in heaven. They are with you every day, in everything you are and do they helped you become you. Prayers hun.
You love BIG, and as broken as your heart may feel, you will go on loving and being loved unconditionally. I’m sorry for your loss, the trauma of all of the loss you’ve experienced in life, and l’m sending you love, peace and deep breaths.♥️✌🏼🧘♀️