Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.
Your words gave me goose bumps and chills and tears but above all gave me such a deep loving feeling.
My father, my whole world passed last year in hospice. Everyone was there but no one told me.
Your words brought me comfort. I feel peaceful that so many were there to share memories and offer words of thanks and never ending love and appreciation to him and with him.
My chance will come one day when we meet again.
I needed to read your loving and encouraging words today about cherishing those we have with us every minute.
Thank you Tiffany. Keep doing you because we all need some of your wisdom.
I just went through this last month with my mother, I’m a only child and I have none of my base family left, it’s an odd feeling. I feel alone even though I have children and grandchildren. Thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I went through this with my mom a few years ago and I wish I had said more. I have regrets. I’ve lost several people since her and now my dad has cancer and I’m going to have to go through his with him. Then it’s just my Aunt. Growing older sucks!!!! I to am feeling like I’m going to be an orphan soon. I have to stop and realize my parents went through this with their parents. It’s depressing and I don’t like it. We have to continue to live for our children and grand children and some day they have to go through this with us. It’s the mean ole cycle of life. Live every day like there is no tomorrow, forgive yourself and others for the past and enjoy the life you have left. Love like you have never loved before. Time is going very fast and every second that passes we can’t get back.
Crushing.
❤️
Wow, your strength is amazing.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Beautiful…..Just simply BEAUTIFUL ❤️💔❤️🩹
As much as I wish I had wordsbof wisdom. I don’t, I can only say what is in my heart right now.
Loosing a loved one is like your heart being ripped from your chest. However, when we get past the pain and remember all the wonderful things they brought to our life and this world. That is when we can truly smile thinking about them. Our loved ones that have past are in a much better place then we are.
There surrounded with love, joy and complete peace. It is only us who are left behind to go through this journey without them physically here. Still, they will always be with us and I promise, watching over us.
Thank you for sharing and I feel privileged to be able to see your happy times and also your struggles. Just like you said. Surround yourself with loving good people. This is why I choose to follow you. Your real as they get Tiffany! Please know, your in my prayers and do whatever you need through this difficult time. I’m so glad you were able to spend his last moments with him. I’m so happy you got to speak your truth and let him know how amazing, special he was to you. Lots of love and a GREAT BIG HUG. I love your face always, Nicole
Sending love and hugs
I lost my parents awhile back and it was and still is so hard to handle. But when I buried my beautiful step daughter, only 34 yrs old and she had severe depression and a bad addiction. She committed suicide in our hometown jail and she had tried to call me early that day and I missed that call! An hour after that missed call she hung herself at the jail! It’s been pure hell! Def say all you need to say and love always!❤️💯🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Praying for you as you navigate these waters and sending condolences on the loss of your “Dad” aka Grandpa! You have lots of Guardian Angels to guide your steps. Thank you for your gifts of honesty and laughter! We love you!
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Thank you for sharing your beautifully personal words. You ways help me so much. With a pretty estranged relationship with my parents I understand the feeling of being an orphan. But your words about your step father give me hope. I have a 18 and 16yr old. Their father has been pretty absent in their life. I got married a year and a half ago. My husband loves my girls like his own. I’m praying he shows them the real love of a father.
I am so sorry for your loss Tiffany.
Your words resonate with me.
I struggled with last words not so long ago, in November I had to say my goodbyes to my sweet and beautiful momma and my big brother (4 days apart). My mom had been sick for quite awhile, battling dementia and although I kept her safe through the pandemic she fell I’ll with it in October. Her and my brother both passed from it in November.
There were so many nights I sat here with my mom and said so many words that she didn’t understand because of the disease BUT they were words I needed to say, nonetheless. The morning I said goodbye to her, the hardest and most painful day of my life, I repeated my final I love you, and I’ll miss you until I see you again one last time.
I did have a small ounce of peace when I finally got the call that she passed (we weren’t allowed to visit because of covid 😭). I knew she was free and I knew that for the five years I took care of her and watching her wither away, I said everything I needed too.
Keep your head up and love as hard as you can to those deserving of your love.
I lost my dad 2 weeks ago. I’m 41 and have never experienced a loss so profound. The person who loved me the most. I feel like a different person without him in this world. I’m sorry for your loss. 🙁
You are a radiant human being.
That was beautifully said. I am so glad for you that you were able to speak to him like you hadn’t been able to do before with your other loved ones.
I feel like even though maybe words aren’t said at those times, they know. They feel and know what might not be said.
All our loved ones are here around us. We see them in our kids, they are just nearby. Speak to them now.
That was so beautifully written
I can absolutely relate. My father was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s and six months later he was gone. I found a million and one “reasons” to not visit. We’d always had a tumultuous relationship but I was daddy’s girl. It wasn’t until he’d lost his ability to speak that I finally mustered the courage to have the conversation with him that I should have had years earlier. I told him I forgave him for everything. I reminisced over childhood memories that I said I’d hang onto forever. I promised I’d never let his grandsons forget him nor would I. He couldn’t respond but I felt like he could hear me. I felt like such a coward and have ever since but at least I know he heard me. As I’ve gotten older I still cannot forgive myself but have learned not to let those moments escape again. My heart breaks for your loss and your unspoken words. I feel like though once our loved ones pass they somehow know all that we meant to say. Be strong and know you’re not alone.
So sorry for your loss. Life is short and unfair, thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life. We have all dealt with death in some way and it binds us. Lots of love to you and yours.
Sending big, warm, soulful hugs <3
Tiffany, your humor is wonderful but your words and reflections are so very powerful! I have always struggled with this stuff too. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The fact that you were able to leave everything on the table is amazing. From your post, you have come a long way and with the maturity of your experiences you were able to speak to your loss. Not only to your Step-Father, but to all your loved ones who although you didn’t get a chance, they know how much you love them. Those words touched them all. You are a real special lady and I’m thankful that you share your humor and your vulnerability with us. Stay blessed and safe.
I’m so sorry for your loss. We just took care of my mom on hospice last month. She passed on 3/25/22. I still don’t feel right. Everything still feels weird. My heart still hurts. I feel Luke I have fog brain.
So much love to you.
I’m happy you were able to get closure. I too have been there for my parents and know the feeling of being orphaned as an adult. ❤️❤️Prayers
I lost my Dad, my Mom, my husband, a step son, and my brother in law in a two year time period. All sudden, all without giving me the opportunity to tell them how much I loved them. Your words touched me so very deeply.
I wish you peace.
Thank you for sharing such a personal journey. I too lost my mother to cancer and had to say goodbye to her in hospice. I struggled with the right words to say and still feel guilty that I didn’t say more. Your words made me cry but also realise that I am not alone with my feelings. My heart goes out to you during this time of grief. Take care of yourself and stay strong x x
I’m so sorry for your loss
Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through. We usually see the humorous side of you and it’s nice to see the softer side. I’m so sorry for the loss of your “other dad” as you wrote. It shows us that blood does not make someone family, love does.
Beautifully express, I also share your experiences as far as not saying what was in my heart when I had the chance. It’s a marvelous experience getting the opportunity to say goodbye, to express love and reminisce on life events. I will keep you and your family in prayer, For peace and strength within your heart. Hugs
This is so heartfelt & such a needed message for us all. There is so much I need to say so I have no regrets. I am 46, diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in November & have yet to have a heartfelt talk with my babies. I have a 30 yr old & a 14 yr old. I know it’s necessary but oh so difficult, but you’re right. Thank you. Prayers for you & your family.
Susan,
how brave you are. Words are healing, releasing and true treasures; a shared token of our innate essence. Written words, also spoken or not, are a timeless gift to the recipient, to be re-read for a lifetime.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. My mother passed away from cancer in 2003 at the age of 48 after a week in hospice. I visited her daily and spoke with her a lot even though she couldn’t speak by this point. The night before she died I didn’t go to see her because I was exhausted from college, work, and household duties. I still have tremendous guilt that I didn’t go see her and that I didn’t get to say goodbye. The morning she died I got to her just a little too late, but that’s probably what she wanted. She didn’t want me there as she slipped from this world to the next, but I still kick myself for not calling her just a little earlier and getting there a little faster. Part of me knew that she wouldn’t here much longer once she was admitted, but part of me still held out hope that the doctors were wrong. I’m happy that you were able to say what you wanted to your dad and had some closure. I pray for you and your family to have the strength to get through the coming days and months.
First let me express my sincere condolences. I am so sorry for your loss and all those that you have had to endure throughout the years.
When we found out my dad had cancer I spent that week with him. They told us he had 3-6 months. I tried to mask all my feelings and tried to remain positive while he was going through his own he’ll in his mind. The next week I spent time with him but not nearly enough. I had to go back to work and tend to my family. Exactly two weeks to the day that we had found out about the cancer, my dad passed away. I spent that morning with him but I didn’t say much too him because I was just trying to keep myself strong and calm as he was going through his last hours. I thought I had a couple months at the very least for us to have those conversations had I known I would have spent those last two weeks with him telling him everything I now wish I would have said. Now all I can do is speak those words into the air and pray that my dad hears them. I am happy that you were able to do say those things this time. I have learned that time is very precious and I make sure I have conversations with my mom everyday to let her know how much I love her.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I can relate with you. I’ve been in your situations. I grew up with a mom that was addicted to pills and I always thought to myself, that will never be me. Well I had 3 back surgeries and got hooked on pills too. My mom passed away from an accidental overdose. She was only 45 and I was only 25. I was frustrated that I could never get through to her. She was always loving and would do anything for her kids, but when she was high, I couldn’t be around her. It was so hard to be around her, as I was still newly sober myself. I just hate how things ended between us. I had been arguing with her about her medications. We hadn’t been talking to each other everyday like we usually did. I hadn’t seen her in almost a week, which too was not normal. I was only trying to prevent what happened. I hope I get to see her again one day and just tell her how much I love her. I know how hard it is to get clean, especially when you are still in chronic pain. In my heart I know she forgives me, but I just wish it hadn’t ended like it did. Always tell the ones you love that you love them. Life is too short and you really don’t know what is going to happen. I can relate to feeling like an orphan. My biological dad (Sperm Donor or SD for short is what my mom and I call him) has not been involved much in my life. I eventually just severed ties to that side of the family. He hasn’t tried calling me once in 7 years. He has 2 grandchildren and doesn’t see them either. He ended up having another daughter (with wife #5), the same time I was having my firstborn. My son is 4 days older than my half sister. He has raised her but couldn’t even see me once a week. I hate that I feel this way but I wish he would of died instead of my mom. I know that sounds awful, but that was the one parent that was always there for me. I am sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard. Take the time you need! I want you to know much you have helped people, especially me. I listened to the audio version of your book (I loved listening to it in your voice) and I could relate to so much. Thinking of you during this difficult time. Much love to you!! Keep kicking addictions ass and being the kick ass person you are.
This is beautiful Tiff, sending you and your family lots of love and prayers!
I love your honesty. I also had let things slip by because of my bad decision making and addiction and I am the one who lost out. I love this and I have made the decision in my life to be fully there when I see my parents pass…even if it’s painful. When I read this it made me feel I was in the room with you and so very well written. Thank you for sharing because you are helping people more than you know. My heart is still getting touched by people who were once in a similar situation and who haved likewise turned their lives around. Isn’t it wonderful to feel?
Thank you for sharing such deep, personal moments…sending prayers of comfort to you and your family..
I was with both of my grandmothers,, and my mother and father in laws as they passed from this life….if I have learned one thing, it is to not let their death be their legacy, but let the life they loved be their legacy. Allow your life and memories that you shared with your family members to continue to live on through you and their legacy will continue with you and pass on with your children !!! God bless you, Jessica, for sharing part of your life with others who need the encouragement. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing! You are such an inspiration to myself and everyone who listens to you or reads your work. Keep on keeping on🤗
Tiffany,
here in these words you have left them all with the most heartfelt & beautiful eulogy that anyone could have wished for.
Your Grandmother, Mum, Dad & Step Dad, must be smiling down proudly, knowing that you have become a-wonderful Mom and a genuine and kind person.
Tiffany, your one heck of a person. I 100 percent adore you and understand everything your saying. I unexpectedly lost my 33 year old Son to a accidental overdose 9 years ago. My parents are in Heaven and I know my son is with them. My brother passed 3 months after my Son. Girl I feel your pain and your feeling of unsaid things . It hurts like hell . I just pray every day that I will be able to make things alright when I see them again. I have ask God to forgive me for anything that he thinks I didn’t do right . I know he will and I know he will because he’s a forgiven God.
I’m so sorry for your loses . Hug those babies a little tighter and love them and keep those memories alive . You are Blessed that your family is together, ( you, hubby and your two babes and your bonus babe ) happy and healthy. Your one amazing young women and I love you and watch you every chance I can . Forever friends even if we never meet . ♥️♥️
I am so sorry for all of your losses. I am glad you were able to say all the things you wanted to this time. Prayers for you & your loved ones.
Lifting you and yours up in prayer. It’s so hard to say goodbye; to let go; to have those hard conversations. Sending love, hugs and positive vibes your way!❤️🤗🥰
I couldn’t say goodbye to my Dad last year. He had CoVid and within a couple weeks he had to be intubated. I said goodbye to him through a glass window. I would give anything to hold his hand and tell him how much he meant to me. As hard as loss is take comfort in the fact that you could say goodbye. I’ll be thinking of you and your kids ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too have lost my core family at a “young” age. I feel weird to be 37 and “orphaned”. I cried when I read your post. It’s so true to say what needs to be said when you have the chance. Take comfort that when you love on your kids and share things about your loved ones like what they thought was funny or their favorite things, your helping those you loved so dearly to live on through you.
Just in case you need to hear it from a random stranger who’s followed your life the last several years, I love you.
Jenn’s are so cool 😎 😉 ❤️ with double n’s!
Hospice ugh.. I for one was the child that wanted nothing to do with this part the journey as my loved ones prepared to go home. And honestly can say I don’t regret any of my choices as a young person.
But then; it came my older sisters turn, she lived a life of an addict. Was missing from the picture the majority of my childhood and when she was present all I remember is the fighting.
I loved her with every inch of my heart and KNOW that her spirit shines far brighter than most.
Anyway, I was driven by some unknown force to spend time with her in her last days. I watched as cancer consumed her, took her ability to walk and move from here. Untangled her legs as if she was a newborn colt as her stubbornness drove her to try and get out of bed. I watched as that stubbornness gave way to acceptance, which transformed her into an angelic creature that I will never witness again.
I’m grateful that I was there, happy that you have been too EVEN for the times you feel were a poor showing on your part.
YOU are an empath and you like me were not strong enough early on to fully participate in life. There is a reason your season now, your example brings peace, hope, and joy to SO many.
My prayer is that you give yourself grace, love who were and are now and know that TRYING is what counts. Prayers and love for any that are struggling or mourning. ❤️
Thanks for sharing all those heartfelt times in your life. I am glad for you that you could say and do all the things you wished before. That my dear is healing. You had to heal as well to do what you did :). I’ve experienced many losses myself too with parents. I know we can relive grief of all the others when we have a new death. But it sounds like you were able to handle it in such a way that it has repaired all the other losses you felt as well. Much love to you & healing.
You are a rockstar. The more vulnerable you are, the rockier you become! I’m sure we’re gonna be great friends-cause you’re soul speaks love and your mouth is trouble ❤️ 👿 😇 👄 So happy for your beautiful closure!
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad, the kids Grandpa. He sounds like a wonderful man, who raised you as his very own. You are strong and wonderful person to be able to share things that we all need to do.
Much Love! ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing. You are a beautiful soul.
Good be with you and your family during these trying times.
Your words are so touching and heartfelt. I can recall when my father died, I was drunk all the time and I was not in a position to be able to tell him how much I love him and that I would miss him terribly. When I finally got sober I lost my mother, my sister, and my brother in a short span of four years. While they were alive I told them so many times how much I love them and cherish the time that we get to spend together. With my mother having dementia, it was a challenge but one I was definitely up to handle. The fact that you have shared your heart, your thoughts and feelings here at the end of your second dad‘s life, it is something that you will be able to cherish forever. We come full circle sometimes in our ability to handle such devastating situations. Your family is loving you from heaven. Thank you from my heart to yours for this deep sharing. Always remember how very much you are loved.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so very sorry for what ur feeling. Hey word being FEELING…it’s sucks sometimes. My husband is currently “battling” stage 4 cancer n refuses treatment. It’s so hard to watch someone you once thought of as unbreakable slowly disintegrate before your eyes. I don’t know how you’ve managed to go thru this more then once but I pray God comforts you and your family during this tough time.
Thank you for sharing. I was not able to talk to my parents before they died and it’s haunted me. You made me cry. Tears are a good thing
Both my mom and dad passed within 4 months of each other 3 1/2 years ago. My heart was broken when my dad went in hospice. Now my mother in law of 33 years is in hospital with severe dementia and has a brain bleed and broken collar bone and ribs from a fall today. My heart is breaking once again. You have told your story so we’ll. Thoughts and prayers for ypu.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. My deepest sympathy and condolences for your losses. I can certainly relate, as I have been dealing with the loss of a lot of loved ones, starting when I was only nine years old. All my grandparents are gone, my best friend died when we were only 22 years old, and my 32 year old husband died of cancer when I was only 30 years old. My 71 year old diabetic father passed away this last September, because he refused to give up eating sugar and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes every day, which he was doing since he was 13 years old. I feel lost, sad, and angry most days, but I keep pressing on, because I know my deceased loved ones would want me to live my life the best way I can. I still have my two sons, my sister, and my mom & step-dad, so I do have reasons to keep living a happy life, as you do. Our journey may not be easy most of the time, but the loved ones we have while on this journey certainly make it more tolerable. I cherish every moment I spend with my loved ones, and tell them every day, several times a day, that I love them very much. Love and hugs, Tiffany.
My heart breaks for you Tiffany…I also just lost my mom a month ago. She had cancer and was sent home on hospice but it was totally unexpected. She lives in Georgia and I’m in Ohio so I went down for a two week visit like normal and it turned into a seven week nightmare. I was fortunate to be able to stay with her the whole time, and as difficult as it was I would not have wanted to be anywhere else. There are some things I wish I would have said to her even though I had the opportunity…but I talk to her now and tell her all the things I should have told her while she was with me. Thank you for sharing your story as your fans have been worried about you and where you have been. Sending hugs and love to you and your family.
Deepest sympathies in your loss. I lost my Dad last year, my best friend. Now I know what it means to have a void in your life, your heart, that can never be filled. I pray your memories comfort you in your grief as mine do. ❤️🙏
Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my mother in 2011 at only 55 years old. We unfortunately never discussed what was happening with her so the things we should have said were never spoken. Now we are going through it with my dad. We started him on hospice today. We have been very realistic and open with him and the rest of the family about what is happening.
This here hit home so hard for me, I remember my grandmother when she passed and being there to say goodbye the day before she passed but didn’t say what I wanted to, last year we lost my aunt whom I seen 12 weeks before when she was told she had stage four lung cancer I never got to say goodbye event how E had told her we would b there Thursday she passed the Monday before and she was like my second home growing up and then coudk go to her funeral due to covid.. so my heart goes out to U for Ur loss and I’m glad U got to say everything U needed to xoxo