Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Thank you for taking the time to share words of wisdom, even during a very difficult time in your life. Sending strength and prayers to help guide you through💕
My sincerest condolences to you and your family over the loss of your dad. Your strength shines through all of your family members that you have lost and they know this already even if you couldn’t find the right words. Your strength and resiliency have shown what a true survivor you are and your kids will look up to you as a wonderful role model if they don’t already.May peace come to you and your family during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss! You and your family will be in my prayers. I lost my dad at 10 and Mom at 30. I know how hard it is. My kids were born after so they never met them.
Hugging you right now. 2018 was my bad year. I lost 6 people; 4 related, 2 childhood friends of my dad, and my kids lost 3 of their 4 grandparents. I held my mom’s hand before she passed. I told my mother-in-law that it was okay for her to go, that I would make sure her husband and son would be fine. I knew she couldn’t hear me, but I believe with every fiber of my being that she heard and understood. The people who leave us are always watching us, keeping us safe. And we will see them again.
I lost my father in law and shortly after our 20 year old son.Then my brother in law,my Dad, my mother in law and now my Mom. My husband has no family and I now have no parents.The most horrible unimaginable loss is my beautiful child. I have and will never be the same.i wasn’t able to say anything to him as it was too sudden,but I said absolutely everything I could to my other family members before they left us .I am sorry for your losses
This is such a sweet reminder of the things that are most important in life! So exquisitely written from a tender and amazing heart. May God give you strength, comfort and peace as you live out this mist difficult time. You are Beautiful.
Tears are streaming down my face recalling my own similar stories. Thank you for being so honest.
I have cried and cried reading this! I lost my hubby last September and I was able to tell him how much I love him even tho he couldn’t speak back. Not knowing if he could here me or not! I would give anything to have him home with his kids and I. I know God has a plan for all of us and sometime screaming at him is his plan! But knowing that you are still here to carry on the memories of the ones who left to be with him is so not fair in many eyes. I’m so glad you were able to spend his last bits of his life on this side and pour your heart out to him.
Your description of your hospice experience has put into words what many people did not have words to express their feelings about. I am so grateful for your sharing of such intimate, caring and personal gut feelings. You are one very strong, brave and caring human being. Thank you and God Bless
My condolences to you and your family. I will keep you all in my prayers during this difficult time. So happy you were able to speak your heart.
My heart is crying with you. I agree cancer sucks and watching your love one go thru the pain near their end is hard. I rejoice for you able to write it down so soon. It helps with the healing. My mother died cancer and last few months was difficult. As I was reminded I did what I could but I still blamed myself for many years for not doing more. She knows I love her as I know your mom, dad, grandmother and stepfather know of your love. Spoken and unspoken words . Your children will appreciate you for keeping their memories alive fir them. My adult daughter now thank me for doing that. May God give you comfort and peace thru His love for you.
My condolences to you. May your sadness be replaced with warm loving memories. I always made sure I said my final goodbyes to one’s I love no matter if it was a friend or family. I truly spoke with my heart. I do not like being filled with regrets. I am glad you got to experience that with your step dad
Tiffany how you touch the word with your honesty is BEAUTIFUL, my heart is with you and my prayers are for you. I am so sorry for the things you haven’t forgiven yourself for but hope you know how many other lives you change for the better opening up about yours. HUGS!! I know your family is proud of you, both on earth and the after life- because you are someone to be incredibly proud of!! Give yourself time and all the gentleness you would your best friend! You deserve it!
I’m sorry for your family’s loss. This was so beautifully written. As years pass, don’t beat yourself up for forgetting to remember him or anyone else on a daily… I’ll never forget they day I forgot to remember something about my dad.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, but so very happy that you were able to share.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Loss of a parent is never easy. I’m sending prayers and hugs to your family during this time 🙏💜💔
So very sorry for your loss. You have a special bond with each loved one. They stay alive as long as you remember them. Try Journaling memories. It helps. God bless to you all
Tiff, you’re a WARRIOR and your growth and evolution is so inspiring. Please take care of yourself and give yourself permission to take the time you need. We are never going anywhere, we see you, we love you, we support you and we appreciate you! Rest peacefully Grandpa! 😘
May my family’s prayers be with you and yours! Hold your head high and know those loved ones are always here somewhere reminding us In so many different ways that they see and hear us everyday! I lost my nana, my mothers mom in 2008 very sudden and I never got to say goodbye or that I loved her plus I was young and only understood that she was just gone…Her mom, my grandma out lived her up until 2020, she suffered from severe dementia and things were never the same after being admitted into a nursing home..It was always a hit and miss when we would visit, her not knowing who one person was to the other, and not wanting to question her to much or make her upset and more confused so we just let her think and love the way she wanted…it was heartbreaking, but she was still with us here even though not in any other way…All the grandkids where able to hold her hands in the last days she was alive..whisper in her ear that we loved her and that she could go when she was ready, she fought hard for so long to stay with us when all she wanted was to be with her baby she had lost so long ago…on her last day, the last family member she was waiting for arrived and said their goodbyes, not until all of us left did she take her last breath. And at that moment My mother, my siblings and me all felt peace instantly, not sad, not feeling guilty, just happiness and peace that she was exactly where she wanted to be. Things are hard but soon they get easier..I guess feeling that peace when they pass comes from knowing exactly what they wanted and exactly how they felt..being able to hear that they love you so very much and being able to tell them the same things makes it so much easier to let them go when they are ready! I hope you have that peace and keep it during the hard days where their memories seems to gender you the most!
Beautifully said. All of it. I’m in tears over here. Thanks for the reminder to be present. I pray for comfort for you as you navigate this season.
Sending my love and hugs to Tiffanie and family. I work at hospice in my hometown as a psw. I couldn’t ask for a better job. It is an incredible honor to serve and care for a client and their families in their most vulnerable and final moments together. I have laughed, loved fed, bathed, shared, cried and held many people and each of them have given my soul a blessing like none other. I am glad you were able to have that moment that we all encourage, that moment where you get to say all the things on your heart. I am glad you felt that peace. Sending a little piece of my heart to you and yours ❣
Beautiful reminder to all…thank you for sharing during this heartbreaking time. So sorry.
You wrote this with a love and grace that could be felt with every word. How lucky to have had this man enter your life and love you through it all.
Dear Tiffany, you have a lot of company in this place & time called grief. May God bless you and your family with peace, and faith that you will, with time, be OK. Love you, Girlie.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone in the club no one wants to be in so hopefully that will give you some sort of support during this difficult time. Your words rang so true to the feelings some of us have also shared. Beautifully said. Praying, sending hugs and love your way.
Dearest Tiffany,
My heart hurts for you. I’m 64 so have have also lost my core family including a brother.
It absolutely changes you. My prayer is for peace and comfort for you.
I am reading your heartfelt memories and remembering my own. There is a reason we live in the moment as we cannot return to the past and have no promises of future. We morn the moments they can no longer live through with us. Please continue to celebrate each day we have and thank the good Lord each night for what we did!
This is so heartbreaking & uplifting at the same time. I’m glad you were able to say all the things & feel at peace. I think I needed to read this today. It’s my dad’s birthday. He died unexpectedly in 2009 at age 52.
Thank you for this. Sending you love.
This hit hard since I didn’t get to say good bye to either parent since they both passed suddenly one from a stroke and one from a broken heart but also due to many prior illnesses. Like you I took the opportunity to say goodbye to my husband’s Grandmother that I adored and loved like my own. By doing this the grief I felt was different and the love she returned during that conversation helped me more than she knew. Your family are in my prayers. 🙏
You are a beautiful soul and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. I hope you appreciate the amazing growth you’ve done in just over a decade. Most people go their whole lives and still can’t do what you had the courage to do. I’m sure that meant the absolute world to him. Sending so much love and grace and gentleness your way. ❤️
Death of a loved one is always difficult. Grieving is also difficult and different for everyone. Everyone comes in your life for a reason and a season.
Cherish the memories, he’ll always be a huge part of you! Thank you for sharing. You are loved❤️
So sorry for ur loss. Death does change us, hopefully for the better. It has me.
Try to let go of ur sorrow, the good times, the smiles, laughs, jokes, those are what will fill ur heart.
Prayers of comfort to u & urs
I’m touched. I needed to hear this. I recently lost my mother my big sister and my big brother all in the same year. Grieving is a trip. And now I am an orphan. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I wish you peace and continued understanding as you push forward in life. Thank you for your words❤️
Working in hospice for the past 6 years, I have held many hands but I can say it never ever gets easier. And for every single family the journey is different. My mom herself died of cancer after a over a 30 year battle and that was 11 years old. My kids were little and I hope she watches over them. I will be thinking of you as losing one parent is hard as you travel this road again. Love and light to you ❤️
God bless you and your family during this time of sorrow.
Thank you for sharing that. All I can say is that I share your pain.
We cry together.
My name is Laura And I didn’t t mean to send that last post without a name
Beautifully written. I have one parent left and she is the one I love and respect the most. My Grandma – who took me in as a struggling teenager and who has been my mother ever since. She is 95 and I have been beyond blessed to still have her in my life. I know I don’t have a lot of time left with her and though I try…there is no preparing myself. Your words are inspiring and really hit home. I am calling her right now.
I pray you will be uplifted by your loved ones and that you will witness many tender mercies as you say goodbye. In my religion – we believe families are forever and when your time comes – you will have a joyous reunion with those you miss.
Beautifully said and so important to be reminded of daily. Thank you for sharing and posting. My deepest condolences to you on all your losses.
I am soaked in tears. I understand your feelings all too well. My brother overdosed on my first baby’s first Christmas and laid in a bed for 2 weeks before we donated his organs. So many things were left unsaid.
Two months ago my dad passed away in front of me, in the parking lot heading into his first cancer treatment. The doctors had just told us that he had a really great chance of beating it, just 6 days before. I once again did not get the chance to say so many things. I am filled with regret and have also pulled away from those who are not true to my heart. I am proud of you for taking advantage of the moment. I wish I had before it was too late. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I have lost my nephew, my cousin and my uncle in 18 months. I’m in the process of losing my oldest brother and my dad both to lung cancer (neither have ever picked up a cigarette). Nothing about any of this is fun. The only positive thing that has come out of this is that all this has brought us all closer together as a family. I will forever be grateful for that.
Thank you for sharing! Incredibly personal and vulnerable. God bless you!
Beautifully written words. I’m so heartbroken for you that you’re experiencing this, but am so glad that you were able to make peace with it. Love sent to you and your family as you navigate these difficult times.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with the world. And I am so happy that you were able to do this for him and yourself.
This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss. I firmly believe that everyone grieves differently and I appreciate you letting others know that whatever you are feeling during this difficult time, is valid and no-one has the right to tell you otherwise. Losing a loved one is a deeply personal moment that you experience in your own way. No matter how it happens or how you feel, it is all valid. Again, thank you for sharing and I wish you nothing but hugs and love. Keep those in your inner circle close and don’t worry about the others.
The more I listen to you the more enduring you become. You are sometimes painfully honest about your life. I truly am in awe of you, and in this particular post more than any. I know that feeling of not saying things that should have been said. When my ex-husband was dying my daughter desperately wanted to tell him what a s***** father he had been but how much she loved him anyway, but she just couldn’t get herself to say the words. Now almost 18 years later, she still regrets that she didn’t let him know he wasn’t the father he thought he was. She regrets that she didn’t let him know that instead of helping her when she was drifting down the road to addiction he should have been there for her, instead of doing drugs and drinking with her. She never let him know that she loved him very much, in SPITE of who he was as a person and that he had many good qualities too. She was so afraid to hurt him on his deathbed that she chose to hurt herself forever with regrets. I see this so much in your story. My mom and I definitely had an oil and water relationship. We were actually fortunate that she had a terminal illness which gave me the time to tell her where I feel she failed to support me and defend me at times, and where I acknowledge I was not there for her many times when I should have been. I had the opportunity to say the most important two words in the world, “I’m sorry”. And a bigger surprise to me was she also apologized to me expressing that she always just wanted better for me but now realized it came across that I just wasn’t good enough. So thank you for speaking your mind and telling this story. God bless.
Thank you for sharing this. Brought tears to my eyes as I can hear some of your pain and some of your closure.
Thank you, for this hits so hard and so deep as I have experienced loss this week as well. Unfortunately it was a tragic and sudden loss but I to will carry the guilt of not making the time or having said what should have been while my best friend was still on this earth. A hard lesson learned.
Beautifully said ❤️ Thank you so much. Peace and prayers to you.
Beautifully written! I am sure you have inspired those struggling with end of life decisions and feelings to share with their loved ones.
My mom was the first hospice nurse for Sarasota County. My sister and I at a young age spent many hours sitting beside those who were passing because they didn’t have family.
Grief is so painful and has so many layers that each time we experience it, it changes us.
Thank for being open and honest and sharing. Much love to you and your family.
I am so sorry Tiffany. Know that you are appreciated and loved for sharing of yourself the way you do. This is an important reminder to tell those we love how much they mean to us before it’s too late. You are beautiful and strong.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I am so grateful you got those last beautiful moments with him. Sending all my love!!
Thank you for sharing! I lost my mother at the age of 14 in 1989 and lost my father this past December. You brought some memories to the forefront for me. I loved your words and wisdom and keep inspiring yourself and others.
Thank you for sharing this part of you. Life has a way of changing things in our lives, even though we know certain things are inevitable. In a blink of an eye our perspective on what our lives were and what they will go forward being forever changes. Death has a way of doing that no matter what the relation is, words spoken or unspoken. The imprint is there. I hope you allow yourself to go through this grief as needed but also the ones from the past. I wish you comfort & love.
I am so sorry for your loss. Two months ago, I sat at my father’s bedside while he was on hospice. He was only on it 2 1/2 days before he left. I was able to spend the last night of him being coherent with him. I talked with him, and he was able to talk to me. The last words I said, was I Love You Daddy. He told me his loved me too. Precious moments I will never forget. Greiving is hard and everyone grieves differently. Your words were beautiful. I miss my dad every day, I can honestly say, I know what you are going through. xoxox
Isn’t living in recovery amazing. Our higher power takes care of us and gives us what we need. We learn how to handle situations that we couldn’t even imagine before. God Bless you and your family.
Tiffany, I’m sending you peaceful healing comfort. I lost my dad at age 6, my husband almost 4 years ago and my mom on March 24th to brain cancer. She was diagnosed on October 19th, given a 3 – 6 month life expectancy. She died 5 months and 6 days later. She too was on hospice for the last 2 months. What a wonderful experience. They truly made a difficult time much easier. I made sure to tell everybody who worked with us, just how much I appreciated them. I’ve never met more people with such kind hearts. They were gentle with us, her children. And have even reached out to us for grief counseling. I meet with my counselor on Monday. My mom was with me when my husband died. Being a young widow herself, at 35, was very helpful to me as a 46 year old woman. We had that horrible common Bond. She was my biggest supporter, my rock, the voice of reason. And I miss her, I miss her so much. I cry because she’s not here for me to physically see and touch and kiss and hug. But I was blessed, blessed to have been there when she took her last breath. That night, as I went home, I took her pillow with me. I’m having a hard day today and I’ll just hold on to that pillow and hug it. It’s the closest thing I have to her right now. I hope we all can heal to the best of our ability. God bless you and your family
Sending you love and hugs, so glad that you had the time together with him and so proud of you for taking it. What a beautiful gift for him, yourself and your family. Now give yourself the gift if taking what you need to grieve and rebuild.
I’m so very sorry for all of your terrible losses, you will be in my prayers. I am so grateful for your sharing, open heart, it is so very appreciated and more needed than you’ll ever know. Thank you, from my heart and soul.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You continue to encourage me with your honesty and openness. I will be praying for you and your family as you go through this very emotional time. Give yourself time to grieve, to heal, and to get accustomed to your new normal.
As always your words are a joy to have. It’s not necessary, we will be fine in your so say absence so don’t feel obligated but I am thankful you shared because it provoked maybe good thoughts for me. Thank you
Praying for peace for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I also pray you’ll have joy in the days ahead.
Thank you for sharing this was so moving and heartfelt. My condolences on your lose, it’s hard to lose a loved one. I am blessed to have read these words.♥️
Tiffany I, too, have lost my parents and 3 sisters and my fiance all before the age of 40. My heart goes out to you. I love the person you are. I love your heart, your spirit, and the beautiful way you live your life. God bless you. Take all the time in the world that you need to get through sad days and lean on people and always always remember you are not alone. Love, Ruthie Majkut
♥️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents. Hospice is a blessing and a curse. As a recovery addict the only comfort I had was that I was able to take care of my Mother as she whittled away from cancer because I had finally gotten clean 3years before she passed. All I could think of was the years I lost while I was using. My father passed away in May of last year. I turned my dining room into his hospice room. I promised Mom I would take care of him and, let’s face it….they loved and took care of me unconditionally. I talk to them all the time and my sister and I have formed a great bond through all of the struggles. Take comfort in knowing that your family is proud of the woman you’ve become. They will watch over you and smile with you and cry with you. They will always be with you. ❤️🙏