Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
I am so proud that you took the opportunity to say all you wanted to say this time. My heart is broken for all your loss. I have lost a parent siblings children and I didn’t always get to say goodbye. Much love to you and your family. I hope you find comfort in the love you all shared.
You are a very strong woman and I am happy that you got to finally have closure.
You write beautifully. Such a tribute to all your parents. Midlife Orphan is a book you might find helpful to read as you navigate this next chapter. Peace, love and light. ❤️
Thanks for sharing with us. I am happy that closure was everything you wanted it to be at this time. Now all your loved ones are looking down and watching you and your family grow. Blessings Tiffany You are AMAZING 😊❤️🤗
Thank you! My mother died on hospice less than 2 years ago and the pain and guilt are still overwhelming at times. I know she loved me and she knew I loved her but she didn’t want to leave yet. I tried so hard to keep her here but in the end after years of her body deteriorating I knew it was time to say goodbye but oh how I miss her
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Tiffany, I’m so sorry for your loss & I am so happy you opened up & said what was in your heart to this man that meant so very much to you. I’m sure you will sleep better at night knowing you did this before it was to late. My thoughts & prayers are with you always.😘
Thank You for sharing your heart . So very sorry for your loss 🥺 May he R.I.P. prayers for your peace and comfort at this very difficult time 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Oh my goodness I couldn’t even read it through my tears. Brought back all the emotions I experienced when my mom was on hospice. My heart breaks with you 💔💔 My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Much love
You and you family are in my prayers during our most difficult time. So sorry for your loss
Thank you for sharing this. It is beautiful. I am sorry you have suffered so many close losses in life so early. Hugs!
What a beautifully heart-wrenching peak into your inner-most thoughts. Continue to journal as you heal from the past-pain. You love well!
So moved by this. My grandparents raised me but my Papa was the one who retired when I was five and truly raised me. He had so many hopes and dreams for me. I made straight A’s all through school then I lost a friend my junior year in a car accident and I was blamed even though I wasn’t the driver I slowly slipped into partying then eventually opiates took over. Then my son came into my life 14 months later I met my husband and he was the first man my grandpa loved and I loved. We married in 2016 and when my grandpa passed in 2019 I had six years sober was a stay at home mom living my dream living in my husbands small town while he took over and eventually bought his families pharmacy that has been in the family since 2011. In April 2019 my Papa told me for the first time since high school how proud of me he was. What a good mom and wife I was and I was able to apologize for all the hell and lies I told him during my addiction. Your story comes on the heels of my Papa being gone three years April 6, 2019 the greatest man I knew went to heaven. I make sure everyday to talk to about him to my son who was only five at the time. God bless you and your family. You truly are kindred spirit to so many.
My prayers are with you and your family at this time.
Thank you for sharing your pain. In recovery, I learned to walk through pain although it took me several times to “get it”. I too have stood with no words. I think often about how my experience with my own mother will be as we have walked through fire together and she is my best friend. It pains me to think about it but, she is getting older and forgetting a lot of things. She never quits and keeps trucking still walking 5 miles most days. I love her and can’t imagine my life without her. My heart goes out to you!!! Is Nothing Left Unsaid going to be a book? It should be. You have a fantastic way of sharing.
While grief is hard and those of us who have walked this path can empathize, we all walk it differently. I am happy you got to leave nothing unsaid. I am sending so much love and strength to you as you navigate this path – Much love
Tiff By really talking to your 2nd dad like you did I see it as you have made amends. Amends also to your mom and 1st dad. You have changed your heart and behaviour. I’m sure they would be so proud of you! I am so sorry for all the loss. May you rest in God’s loving peace.
Oh Tiffany. I am so glad you got these moments and memories with your bonus dad. You are a good human with such a loving heart. I am sending positive vibes your way and wish you love, hugs, and peace. 🥰❤️
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Thank you for sharing your talents to brighten up our lives, bringing so much joy, even as you navigate your own pain. May you find peace and know the same joy as you process through your grief for however long it takes! Take your time and know you are loved!
Your words are written so well…I too have been in your shoes. For some I have lost not a word was said. But recently I have grown and realize how important those words are for then and for us. You are in our prayers. I pray that God may wrap you in wonderful memories all the days of your life.
I am so sorry for your loss and sending you much love. I lost my Mum four weeks ago. And my uncle who was more like a father to me passed away eight years ago. I know what you mean when you say you feel orphaned. That’s how I feel. Loss is unbearable and painful.
I am so so sorry for your loss!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts with us. I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for posting this, I’m struggling with the sudden loss of my mother in law, it feels distasteful to call her an ‘in law’ as she was the mum I never had. Your words help so much. Thinking of you as you navigate this and move forward gently.
I’m so glad you said everything your heart needed to say to your 2nd dad. I really think you made up for lost words and I hope you do feel a sense of redemption. I burst into tears reading this because I wish I could have had that special moment with my mom who I lost 5yrs ago. <3 Thank you for sharing this.
Tiffany,
I just wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in your regrets surrounding saying goodbye. My dad died swiftly after years of declining health. He had basically given up on life and placed the responsibility of being kept alive squarely in my lap as my mother lost herself to dementia and I was in the midst of a devastating divorce. I was glad to see him go. A man I once loved with all my heart made me resentful and bitter at the end. After my dad died, I found out that I was adopted. I was 40 when I learned this news, although I had “known” my whole life but was told by my parents that I was biologically theirs and how dare I think anything else if I ever brought it up. At that point, my mom was in the throws of dementia so bad, she had no answers for me. She also died (in hospice) long after her body and mind served her any purpose. I was also relieved to see her go. And I loved them both, but they “failed” me in the end. I never got the answers I wanted from them. The “why” of it all. Their deaths were both a huge relief and a confusing ending to a story that never really made any sense in the first place. I’ll never have the answers. I’ll never get that time back. So, like you, I choose to live my life out in the open, to say the things now and to let everyone around me know where they stand with me (good or bad :)) and vice versa. I am glad you and your stepdad had those moments together at the end. I hope you know what a gift that was for you. Thank you for sharing with us.
Oh Tiffers! This resonates with me deeply as I’ve experienced hospice with loved ones (dad, grandma, best friend, and now a former classmate who is the mother of my daughters best friend) several times and get it. Hopefully you wrote down some of the private conversations you had with your dad bc you will forget eventually and may want to remember. I’m so thankful I wrote down the last few days and conversations I had with my daddy. I was 22 and pregnant with his first grandchild when he passed at 42 years old.
All the grace and love sent your way!
I love that I am reading this story of grace on Maundy Thursday. May you find peace in your memories of your 2nd Dad. I am giving thanks for ALL your parents and the influence they have had on you, and for YOU and the life you are building and the way your are building it. I’m a stranger to you, but wishing you such joy and peace.
Oh honey, what a wonderful testimony of love. Thank you for reminding us of the importance of communicating our feelings. I feel deeply for My cousin who has been in recovery so many times through her life and still struggling. She wasn’t able to be there for her mother or father in their passing. I couldn’t imagine until now. Thank you for this insight and God bless you and your family.
It isn’t easy to let go. I am so proud of you for taking that time with him. I am positive it was good for both of you. Everyone has their own grief process. Take the time time you need to take care of you and your family. Your positive followers will be here waiting to welcome you back and support you in every way. ❤️
Don’t ever lose sight of how amazing you are. I’m blown away by your honesty and transparency. I’m sure you’ve helped so many with your messages. I know your parents/stepdad are all very proud of you. Hugs to you during this difficult time.
I lost my father in law and my own father within 2 months of each other last year. They were both on hospice. I understand the urgency to express feelings and questions in that limited time they still have with us. It was a precious moment for me when I sang my dad his favorite hymnals (he’s profoundly deaf) that I truly believe he heard. So much love to you. You have such a large community of people laughing and crying with you.
Love this bet many many people have done the same I know I have. And im like you now tell every one I love them and how much they mean to me. It’s the only way 🥰
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful, delicate, challenging time in your life. I appreciate your transparency and am so thankful for you. You make my world so much better.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. Much love to you and your family. 💕
Thank you for being so open and brave.
I know that feeling of having lost your anchor. It’s nothing anyone talks about when you lose parents and it comes as a complete shock.
I am so so so very sorry for your loss and all your losses.
I understand not being willing to forgive yourself for things left unsaid but, as a mother, I promise, your mom loves you so much and has forgiven you. She wants you to feel joy in the life you are continuing to live. She is not holding a grudge and her only concern is for your pain.
She wishes for you to forgive yourself.
Thank you for the reminder to love the people we love.
I needed that.
Even in your grief you are a light to others.
All of your parents are so proud of who you are and how you give in this world.
You are on my heart.
There is no timeline for grief.
Take the time you need.
We love you.
We will still be here when you feel ready to come back.
Tiffany, you amazed me with your writing when it came to creating your book and I read that sucker front to back in a matter of hours. It was incredible. But this. This has me at a total loss for my own words. This was one of the most beautiful, powerful, honest, humbling and loving things I have ever read. I find myself in a very similar situation with aging parents and feeling so awkward and uncomfortable saying the things I know I should say when one of them has a major health scare. I find myself with a huge rock in my throat and just staring at them or just holding their hand but unable to verbalize what I’m feeling. I want to thank you for sharing this with all of us. I needed this reminder to be vulnerable and to be open and to not be so prideful to hold back the emotional things, especially when I’m looking at someone I love. Thank you for being you and for all the love you gave to everyone you love, even at this final bedside. They were eternally grateful and I hope you know that. We will all be here for you, ready for the funny whenever you are. 💙🤟🏻
This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us and I hope it was therapeutic for you.
Tiffany – my heart aches for you. I also lost a stepfather who was more a father to me. I wish you nothing but peace and love. Thank you for sharing your life with us and for making a difference. Much much much much LOVE.
I lost my dad 3 1/2 years ago to cancer & for the first time ever I really said things I needed to say. It helped me heal. I’m still grieving, I’ll never be the same. At the same time I lost my mom, not to death, but greed. She left him with me to take care of until he died, went back home in another state & never looked back. She received an extremely large amount from his life insurance & sale of their house & moved to another state. She isn’t the same. I’m an orphan, I’m a grown adult, but broken & grieving the loss of the one parent who loved me unconditionally. All that said. Just know you’re not alone, we’re all broken in one way or another. Family is what you make of it. 💚
I’m glad you were able to open your heart & say all you needed to say. 💚
I can’t imagine what you have and are going through. I’m sending you lots of love and hugs. 💛🙏🏻
How blessed you were to be there for each loving elder. How blessed they were you were there for each of them. Never worry about the unsaid because the dearly departed have complete understanding once they pass. It’s a peace and comfort never found on earth absent of regret and worry. Remember each time you laughed, loved and lived with them and fill your heart to give memories to your family. It’s a wonderful life when shared and you do that well for everyone. Peace be with you.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. We love you and want you to take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you get back. Love from Phoenix, az ❤️
Tiffany, I am truly sorry for your and your families loss, I am writing holding back tears myself, mainly because I have never told anyone this. My mother passed away after being in hospice for less than 36 hours, but while she was falling very I’ll the hospital I stayed away as well and was addicted to drugs also and in a very abusive relationship, I’d like to believe or convince myself I stayed away so she didn’t see me like this but that’s no the truth. The truth is I was afraid to see her like she was and afraid that she was going to pass. Because of that to this day I hold such a deep guilt that I feel will never go away or be forgiven. I have gotten clean and out of a bad relationship, but still in a bad relationship with myself but hide it behind being funny and pretending nothing can hurt me. Seeing the words and pure emotions you wrote gives me hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself and accept myself. Thank you and I wish you and your the best.
Tiffany
Thank you for sharing this both sad and happy part of your life . By this I mean sad part when loosing your loved ones and happy that you found peace with your step dad . Reading this tears rolled down my face . My mother died the same year as your mother I see . I was the only one with her in the room at the time I just couldn’t say anything .it was easier for me not to . Sounds awful as I write this . It wasn’t just my mother , my husband of 25 years , father and my uncle who meant the world to me .
I’m so glad you were abel to say what you wanted to your step dad . My prayers are with you and your family . Take care
Sending you lots of love and prayers! I’m so glad you were able to get your words out this time. I lost my stepdad 2 months ago today (Valentine’s Day) and didn’t get that chance. None of us did as it was sort of unexpected. There nothing I wouldn’t do to be able to tell him how great of father and grandfather he was and how greatful I am for him loving me as his own! My deepest sympathies are with you and your family during this time!!
Tiffany,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy you were able to say all the things you needed to. As someone whose husband died unexpectedly at the age of 26, I know how hard it is to not be able to say the things you need to say before it is too late… I didn’t know the night before he was hospitalized would be the last conversation I would ever have with him. I didn’t know my kids wouldn’t ever see the man they knew as Dad alive ever again (they were 4 and 6 years old). I didn’t know he had started drinking again, that his liver was so severely damaged he needed a transplant at the age of 25. I didn’t know he contracted the fungus that killed him.
My heart is with you. I am so glad you got the opportunity to say what you needed to. Sending you and your family so much love during your heavy time of loss. 💜💜💜
This was so beautifully written! How inspiring! I’ve had this same sentiment in my heart (especially since the end of 2019 when this whole plandemic started). But, these words have really motivated me today to TRULY treat every day/moment/interaction as if it’s our last. May your dad Rest in Heaven now Tiffany ♥️
I believe death and grief bring monumental growth to loved ones left behind. We can’t experience the depth of love that bursts to the surface any other way. It is a gift we carry into every aspect of our lives. What an honor it is to love someone so deeply. I wish you peace and grace as you wade through the coming months and years. What a blessing he was. Peace!
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and hugs from my family to yours. I just want to say how brave you are for sharing this very emotional experience with everyone. Also THANK YOU for sharing. I’ve been dealing with a lot of loss with a lot of similarity to what you shared. Most recently I lost a loved one on March 9th. He lived with me on hospice care at home. It was a daily struggle. Still I don’t know how I made it through it.. if you could even say that I’m “through” it. Thank you so much! Love you! and stay strong!
I also said goodbye to my mother, in Hospice, just a mere month ago. I also took the time to say those things that needed to be said, to bravely lay beside her, stroked her hair and sang her songs that brought her comfort. It is a beautiful thing to share in this process with a loved one. I pray God brings you comfort in the days ahead.
I’m sorry for your loss. My father passed away in November but sadly, Alzheimer’s took him from us long before that. I won’t know until I join him in Heaven if he heard my words but I hope he always felt loved, even if he couldn’t show it or say it.
I was a hospice nurse for MANY years. I have witnessed so many family members grieve in so many different ways. I want you to know that, I’m not a religious person, but definitely spiritual and, being honored to care for people in their last moments on earth, has just magnified my spirituality. I PROMISE you that whether you were there for your mom why she was Ill, or not, she KNEW you loved her. Mom’s take their children with them in their hearts, wherever they go… even to the afterlife. Words don’t need said, you don’t need to be there holding hands every day until the end…. Mom’s and their children have a bond so much stronger than that! And it doesn’t matter how ‘bad’ you were … a mom’s love is unconditional!!! Also, I TRULY BELIEVE that once a loved one passes, they’re ‘still present’. I can’t explain this except for the fact that I have witnessed and heard so many stories of loved ones making it known they’re still around. A song comes on out of nowhere that was their favorite, a whiff of their hairspray or perfume comes out of nowhere, you see something that would ONLY be a sign from them, etc. I used to be afraid to die before I became a hospice nurse but I’m not anymore. I KNOW that this is just a physical plane we’re on right now. So.. TALK to your mom now. Talk to ANYONE that has passed. I TRULY think that they can hear you, and that, in someway, they can give you peace. I will sometimes close my eyes and hold out my hand and just talk to my aunt and grandma and tell them, ‘I’d love to hold hands with you’….and I swear sometimes it feels like there’s a ‘presence’ near me. Not ghost-like… just a warm, loving feeling near. Anyways, give yourself grace… we all deal with grief differently. We all don’t do or say the right things at times. It’s ok… I promise. They know you loved them.
Prayers and Peace to you! ❤️
I just found out my grandpa has cancer at the end of March. I am very close with my grandparents. I try to visit once a month. I dunno how I will handle losing him. I’m heart broken already. This will be my first taste of lose in my family. Please pray for my grandpa.
I’m not going to walk down my road of loss at this time. I want to say I’m so glad you and your siblings and your core family were able to have the moments (as short as it was) I feel Strongly you’re Are Exactly where you’re suppose to be ! Feel the power of your love ones pushing you toward your future successes. Oh Tiffany we all are so blessed you’ve shared so many personal parts of your soul. KEEP pushing forward and holding back when YOU NEED to. It’s YOUR journey we are just a part of it! You Are Driving it~the time you take IS TIME WELL SPENT 👣🧘🏻♀️🍀💚
Tiffany, I’m so sorry to hear of your step dads passing! You are so brave for sharing your words with your audience. I hope you find peace and feel the love you shared surround your family and yourself during this very difficult time! Hugs to you!!!
Thank you so much for sharing such raw details of your personal life to all of us “strangers”. You have endured so much loss, I think we can all relate and shed so many tears while reading your story. You are a real hero, thank you ❤️
I believe that when our loved ones leave this world, they understand things we never spoke out loud. It is our intention, our words we wanted to speak, the love and courage we wanted to give them but just couldn’t, that they immediately feel and know on the other side. And if you sit quietly and think of them – you may be able to feel their thoughts and love as well.
I’m sorry for your losses and understand more than I wish I did. In the past 5 years I’ve been present for the death of 3 loved ones including a biological and step-dad, absent for another 2 and still hadn’t fully gotten over another 2 from my twenties. It’s almost uncomfortable the amount of relief you can feel when you’re able to be present to see to a person’s final hours to ensure their comfort and peace, which for me added a layer of guilt to the whole situation because it felt disrespectful to their memory to have anything other than pure heartache at the loss of them. Please take care of yourself and those with you in these troubled times.