Trigger Warning – Death of a loved one.
I wanted to update everyone on where things are in my life, but I also feel like I want to keep most of it private and close to my heart. I will try to word this in a general sense, rather than speak specifically about my relationship with those involved.
The word “hospice” never fails to send a chill down my spine. It’s so much more than losing a loved one. It’s tear-soaked eyes, hushed voices, unanswered questions, anger, exhaustion, prolonged emotional agony, wondering, wishing……..Waiting.
My first encounter with hospice was when my grandmother was sick with cancer. I was in my early twenties and had gone to visit her. I remember laughing as she pointed the television remote toward the large glass window on the opposite side of the room, mumbling incoherently about the television being broken. I thought she was being silly, but when I noticed that no one else in the room found it as amusing as I had, I realized that somehow in the span of two days, she’d forgotten what a television was.
My mother explained that she was comfortable and at the end of her life, so very soon she would no longer be able to speak. She comforted me by reminding me that my grandfather, as well as my paternal grandmother would be waiting to welcome her at the gates of Heaven. She urged me to talk to her and say what I wanted to say before it was too late. It felt awkward and uncomfortable…So I didn’t.
Less than a year later, I stood beside the bed of my 47-year-old mother as she drew her last breath. This was my second encounter with hospice. Cancer had taken her at an offensively early age and a startlingly short time. On her last day I opened my mouth to say all the things I needed to say to her before she was gone, but the words wouldn’t come out. At this point I was hopelessly addicted to drugs and unsure of what to say. I wasn’t there for my mother during her sickness and couldn’t “bear” to see her in such a frail state. So, I stayed away.
I’ve forgiven myself for most of the things I’ve done while on drugs, but my lack of action during this time she needed me most is unforgivable–for now anyway.
Six years later, I was sober and present for my father as he laid in the hospice bed, resting peacefully at the end of his life. He had waited for all of us to leave the building before he took his final breath, but we were lucky enough to hold his hand afterward and say goodbye. I imagine he was already drifting to his next destination at this point, but it still felt healing to kiss his forehead one last time.
I hadn’t once managed to say the things I needed to–or should have said. I never wanted to have those conversations with them because it would be acknowledging the fact that they were dying. So instead, we had surface-level conversations and danced around the giant elephant in the room. When they were gone, they were gone and all that remained were all the unspoken words that will forever live in my mind with no place to go.
My mother had met and married a man when I was nine years old. He was a police officer, and my sister and I lived with him and my mother full time. He stepped up to raise us when my father wasn’t able to. He was there for my fifth-grade graduation, my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak. He drove me back and forth to my first job, cheerleading practices and cooked my date and I a delicious meal before the homecoming dance. He taught me how to drive a car, cook a killer egg sandwich, and most importantly, how to love another person’s children as if they were my own.
After my mother passed away, My stepfather eventually remarried and decided to retire from the police force and move to a lakehouse in Georgia. He allowed my family and I to move into the home he was leaving behind here–for next to nothing. He just wanted to know we were safe.
He has a name, but from the time they were born my children called him grandpa. I’m sure my father and mother wouldn’t have minded, but even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to get the kids to call him anything else. They adore him. We visit him at the lakehouse often and have created some memories that will last a lifetime.
As I stood by his hospice bed this week, holding his hand and making jokes to lighten the somber mood in the house, I decided to do something different than I’d ever done.
The words flew from my lips with urgency and determination. I thanked him for all of the things he had done for me over the past 27 years. I promised him my children would know him, assured him we would keep his memory alive, and told him beautifully personal, sacred and special things that I won’t share here. He responded, “Take care of my grandbabies for me”, and many other heartbreakingly moving things that I may not have gotten to hear if we hadn’t had this conversation. We acknowledged the truth about what was happening with him and cried together for a bit before he drifted back to sleep.
My tears were not tears of sadness. They were tears of joy and peace. For the first time in my life I was able to leave nothing left unsaid with someone I cared deeply about… before I missed the chance.
I’m sure my mother was there to meet him with open arms yesterday when he left, and by now he has probably told her all about how silly, loving and adorable her grandkids are.
Experiencing loss changes a person forever. Experiencing the loss of most of my core family members puts me in a strange position. At times I feel lost, uprooted, orphaned, alone and heartbroken. But I know my family wouldn’t want me to cease existing in their absence.
So, I will continue to march on, telling everyone I love how much I love them as often as I can. I will always say the things that need to be said and give the compliments that need to be given. I’m going to drop the people who bring me anything other than peace and joy, and love those remaining folks as fiercely and urgently as I can.
This post was mainly a way for me to get my thoughts out onto paper, but also, I suppose, a gentle reminder to surround yourself with people who bring you joy, tell them how wonderful they are as often as you can, and never, ever, ever, feel embarrassed or ashamed to say what you feel to the people you love while you can.
Thank you for your patience with me as I navigate this season of my life.
Thank you for sharing. I am caring for my mother who is on hospice and the toll it has taken on my soul and spirit is something no one understands. Praying for you in this season.
I too have experienced death of a loved one and worked as a CNA in hospice care. I am grateful to have these experiences that has brought my journey to going back to school at the age of 40 to become a hospice nurse. Being a part of a patients transition from this life to the next is a very sacred and humbling experience and I’m grateful that families allowed me to be part of their last journey on earth. I know this life isn’t the end. Sending prayers to you and your sweet family!
Thinking of you during this time and I’m so glad you were able to say what you needed to. It is so powerful to be able to change the way you’ve said goodbye going forward. You are a person of positive change and have helped so many others by sharing your inner thoughts. You are doing good things and I’m sure you are so proud of everything you have accomplished. I’m so sorry for all of your losses, may the good memories you hold with your loved ones help you during this difficult time.
Really sorry to hear this. My dad recently passed away on March 19th. It’s very hard for me. 🙁
Prayers for you and your family so sorry for your loss 💜🙏
So sorry for your loss, prayers that God will comfort you as only he can.🙏❤
I am sorry for your loss. I pray you and your family find comfort.
Tiffany you are such a great writer. Please continue to do so.
My heart and prayers are with you during this difficult time! Your words hit my soul very deeply. I am honored to be able to follow you on your journey through life. Because of you my life has changed dramatically! While I know nothing I say can make this easier. Please know you have SO many people loving you and supporting you through it all! ❤
I’m crying reading this.I am deeply sorry for your loss .
I always wondered what it is like to have parents that are there for you.
I never had that.Take all the time you need.Ive been a super fan of you for years now.I have a pretty shitty life no drugs or alcohol just other misery.All of your posts brighten my day.In my mind we are friends.
Love you Tiff ❤️
I am so sorry sweetie. You came to Phoenix in 2019 and a friend had bought me tickets months before. We couldn’t have known the next day I would be flying to California to sit with my daddy (not my father) as he came to his end. He was my rock through thick and thin and the last of my parents. I’m so glad you were able to tell him everything. I never got that chance with my mom and with my dad, we already talked
So beautifully written Tiffany straight from the heart. Life is so sad when we lose those we love and feel things have been left unsaid but I am sure those we lose know we loved them and are looking over us feeling proud. Go forward beautiful lady and keep spreading your love. May your amazing step dad RIP. xxxxx
I am so sorry for this recent loss. Losing someone that has meant so much to you is such a difficult thing. His influence in your life is not gone and will continue through your children as well. I will pray for you and your family.
I’m very sorry for your loss and I’m so glad that you had an opportunity to be with him before he passed and thank him for everything. So often we never have the opportunity to say goodbye to our loved ones. I pray that you find joy and happiness and that this pain will numb soon for you. Sending you lots of love and blessings
Thank you for this. I just lost my best friend far too young (56) on Monday to cancer. She had only been diagnosed 12 weeks ago. I will forever cherish the memories we made over 35 years but will especially hold close the intimate conversations we had the last 12 weeks and consider them a priceless gift.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Your words are so relatable!
I am sending you lots of love and prayers. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers this morning.
My heart hurts for you; this part of life is never easy and stays with us. But I have lost family slowly and suddenly- at least with slow I was blessed with time to say goodbye . Hugs to you and thank you for sharing you life with us it helps those of us that struggle – you make a difference to us ❤️
I love you. Thank you for sharing your great in this desperately sad but joyous time. You are an inspiration and amazing. Keep sharing.
Love Vivian in idaho a fan ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss, Tiffany. I had been wondering what exactly was going on and keeping you in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Much love and healing your way.
❤
I’m so sorry. This is by far the most tears I’ve cried in sadness and joy all in once. You my girl are one of a kind. And God gave you all those wonderful people intentionally. And you to them. You all knew and know the greatest gift of all and that is Love. Youve learned and grew through all of this. And look where you are now. I praise you for being as strong as you are and I hope your regret leaves you. Just know they knew what you wanted to say from your heart. Take care and best wishes for you and your family always .
Praise God you were able to express yourself and comfort him during his last moments. Do not beat yourself up for the past, your mama and grandma KNOW how much you loved them. Prating for your broken heart🙏
I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. I’m praying for you and I am glad my daughter turned me onto yiu!!
I am so sorry for your loss…Thank you for reminding us the importance of telling people how much they mean to us while we can and sharing something close to your heart.
Hugs and much love to you.
Prayers and love during this difficult time. I admit your strength and the words you shared helped so many navigate sadness of a loved one. Your amazing loving your life for you and no one else. Thank you for helping me and many others.
I’m so sorry! My mom died on November 12th,2020. We had to watch her die a little more everyday for a week. She was also on hospice. Praying for you and your family ❤️🙏😔
Thinking of you Tiffany and what a amazing ,beautiful and heartfelt post.just remember they will and are always with you and their grand babies..hugs and prayers to you.🤗🙏
A wonderful reminder tosay what is on your heart. Thank you for sharing your heart and love for this great man, that loved you as his own. God blessed your entire family with his presence in your life!
So sorry for your loss you are all in my heart and prayers I love your family and thank you for sharing all of you with all of us
This really hit home with me as I just buried my Mother in Law of 50 years on the 11th. She passed on the 7th while in Hospice Care. I was her caregiver. My husband passed 8 years ago, her only son and her husband passed away 4 years ago while in Hospice Care. I was with her when she passed and have taken care of her the last few years while she encountered Alzheimers. I thank God for our time together. I have 2 sons, but other than that I am orphaned now also, as my parents have both passed. Thanks again for sharing.
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I’m so sorry for your pain. I lost my mom and stepdad this past year. 5 months apart. I pray you will hold the memories close as it helps me. And talk to them now. I talk to my mom everyday. It helps too.
i have become the same way about death…i am a retired medical field personnel and even worked hospice and had no problem when it was someone i didnt know…but then my mom..my dad..ex inlaws..recently my bil that passed very suddenly and ever since then ive shut down…about a lot..i thank u for your story..i just dont share and i dont trust anymore…
Dear Tiffany,
I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak.
And so grateful for this post because I’ve made the exact same mistakes.
Once with my beloved Grammy, who helped raise me, and with my stepfather, who adopted me. He was my very best friend and the reason I am an adoptive mamma now. I will never make this mistake again just because it feels too painful or awkward or whatever.
So thank you for that. Some posts get etched as lessons and this is one of them.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Hospice has been used several times with family members but I was always in another city and wasn’t there. Six months ago my beautiful, brave sister decided to call in hospice and it was a beautiful experience to sit with her and her daughter and to have the chance to say whatever we needed to. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Beautiful poignant and deeply touching. My daughter is going through a divorce and they are now trying to make it work even though he hates and despises her family for telling her he was cheating …. Now I am the monster and the person my own child won’t be around because she wants him and he won’t have her unless it’s without us ….I’m grieving the loss of my daughter who is alive and well. It’s devastating.
I lost my mom in 2013 to cancer so I can relate to your story….but dear God how do I let go of my daughter when she’s still breathing….
Thinking of you during this difficult time. I have experienced the same feelings. Especially being an orphan. Now at 54 I have no parents or grandparents. Sometimes it gets really lonely. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Love ya. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing . Love with no regrets my dear.
I am so sorry for your loss. This was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I have failed to tell loved ones everything that I wanted to say. I have not been there for their last moments for fear of making bad memories. As I have gotten older I will not moss those opportunities again. I am sure your family is dancing in heaven having a wonderful time seeing things we can only imagine.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and your beautiful heart! Praying for you and your family during this hard time. I was with my dad 21 years ago when he took his last breath, and I was with my son 4 years ago when he took his last breath. They were unconscious but, I know they heard my words of love to them. You have a beautiful soul and are a blessing to many by sharing your life’s journey.
Thank you for sharing the raw honesty of loss and words that one can struggle to say in the end. You are truly a beautiful soul.
🧡 Thank You for sharing.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers and you are such an inspiration!
I am so sorry for your loss. This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your life and this loss with people who need your presence in their lives. Sending love and strength
Thank you for sharing a very vulnerable part of your life. So important to say the things that need to be said. I am so happy that you are at peace with yourself. So hard to say good bye to our loved ones blood or not. They came into our lives for a reason. May his memories comfort you at this time and always. Gif Bless you and your family.
Sorry for your loss
You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are in my prayers.
I too know the pain of hospice and taking a loved one. I took care of my grandma in my home on hospice. Tiffany your right it changes you to your core. Tears of happiness when she took her last breath, not having to fight anymore. But also tears of sadness because you can’t speak to them or hear their voice anymore. Many prayers to you and your family.
The Dragonfly Story
By Walter Dudley Cavert
“In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.
The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist.”
I worked in a nursing home for 5 years and in that time I had to work with hospice multiple times. I grew to love the ladies that I worked for and losing them was always hard. You are such a strong woman and such an amazing role model. Stay strong and take the time you need to grieve <3