Congrats on the news! Woohoo! A baby. Terrifying, amirite?
Listen, I know right now you are a bundle of nerves. You are currently experiencing every emotion known to man and are in desperate need of guidance. Since Mom is in heaven, (and we obviously can’t call her there, which is stupid) I am here to save the day!!
I have some information and tips that I’d like to share with you, in hopes of preparing you for this exciting new journey! I’ve included pictures, In case your “Mom Brain” is in full effect and you don’t want to read words. Okay, here goes!
Girl, the beginning is glorious. You are gonna take 800 selfies of your fine ass, impressed with how cute you look pregnant. You will imagine how your body is gonna snap back into shape once the baby is born and be the hottest M.I.L.F. in town….Okay, that’s fine. Live in that moment. Just….yeah. Good for you and your confidence.
Buy some maternity pants asap though because, shit’s about to get real.
Yeahhhhhh, so, staying in shape while pregnant won’t be as easy as you thought…It’s actually really friggin hard.
Pregnancy is a great excuse to eat a lot. You will use the term “I’m eating for two”, a few times too many. Also, maybe don’t eat cheeseballs at 3:00am…every night.
Sooooo, remember how you, um, thought you weren’t going to get any stretch marks because you were gonna lather yourself in coconut oil? Yeahhh. It didn’t work.
There will come a day, when you desperately need him out of your body. That also happens to be the day that time slows down, and every second feels like an hour and every hour a year. You will spend hours googling: “How to self induce labor” and will try numerous ridiculous tricks to get him out. It won’t matter. Spoiler alert: He’s gonna be a week later.
On that day you will decide that you’ve changed your mind about him being out, and would like to keep him in.
But he’s a’comin whether you like it or not. Which you will, once you hold him on your chest. Also, I hope you weren’t too fond of celebrating your birthday, because from now on you two will share a birthday.
Don’t worry, you didn’t accidently give birth to an old man. All babies look like senior citizens in the beginning.
Just when you think your husband can’t get any sexier, he is going to hold your son for the first time. You are going to fall in love all over again ….Until it comes time to change diapers, he will lose some brownie points there.
Okay, so, this is an important one. Make sure his, erm, “part” is pointed downward in the diaper. Otherwise you will get pissed on numerous times a day and wonder if your baby is broken.
One minute you are gonna be watching Dr. Phil, and the next, your breasts will become engorged and you will leak like a Faucet. Put some breast pads on when you get out of the hospital. Trust me.
Okay so this one kinda sucks. Your “baby bump”, doesn’t go away just because the baby is born. I know, FML right? It’s okay, it will over time. Give yourself time. Enjoy the moments following the birth, instead of obsessing about your weight. It’s a waste of precious time.
Although this will be right around the time Facebook Memories reminds you of your pre-baby body. DON’T LOOK AT YOUR FACEBOOK MEMORIES! – Yet.
Speaking of, there are gonna be days when you do your hair and make up – even though you aren’t leaving the house – just to feel beautiful, because at times you will feel anything but. That’s okay. You do you girl.
You are gonna freak about every scratch and bump on the skin of this new little being you’ve been entrusted to care for. You will send countless photos pleading with your cousin to diagnose him over the phone. He will be fine. Everything will be fine. Chill.
You will soon discover that your husband is just a big kid. Resist the urge to “correct” his parenting style. Let him find his own way, and create his own bond with the child. Let him be Dad.
Make sure you have plenty of storage on your phone, you are going to need it. A million pictures of him in the same position will soon become the way you spend your free time.
Speaking of photos, you will keep your camera pointed at your sleeping child for about 7 hours a day, in an attempt to catch his adorable sleepy little smiles. Although there are more constructive ways to spend your time, you will treasure these pics later, so stalk away!
Hey, so, I know you’re a big fan of sleeping, bad news, those days are gone my friend.
The good news is, you get to dress him up in fun outfits on holidays, so, there’s that.
Try not to get him started with electronics too soon. It seems like a good idea at the time, but before you know it he will be throwing himself on the floor screaming, demanding you put Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on for him. Sometimes you will, just for a moment of peace. And by sometimes, I mean all the damn time.
The next bit is really important, it’s actually the reason I’ve decided to write this to you.
You are going to blink once…..
And it will be his first birthday…Blink again…
And it will be his second.
Time flies by faster than you realize, and one day you wake up and…
Your baby, isn’t a baby anymore.
Treasure. Every. Moment.
. You are going to spend so much time worrying, wondering, obsessing and stressing.
You are going to spend way too many hours scrolling through Facebook and not enough staring at his face. Put the phone down, and hold him instead.
Rock him, sing to him, embracing his crying and wipe his tears. Smile when it’s time to make him a bottle, enjoying the moments when he wakes you from sleep to comfort him. In those moments, he needs you.
One day you will blink, and he won’t anymore.
You are going to experience frustration, resentment, anger, hopelessness and anxiety throughout the early years of his life. You will question whether or not you are cut out to be a mom. It’s important that you know that it’s okay to feel that way. You will also experience joy, giddy laughter, pride and a love for him that will intensify each moment that passes. Your heart will become so full of admiration that it feels it will burst at any moment. You are going to be an incredible mother.
Anyway, congratulations on the pregnancy. You are gonna do great, seriously. There’s one more thing I need to tell you, in the spirit of preparation….