Men, don’t say I never gave you anything…
If you are a Male, you should read this. If you are a Female, you should share it with a Male. Just saying.
So, today, as I walked passed my garbage can, I looked down and admired the sheer focus and determination it must have required my husband ( as well as a few small children who shall not be named) to construct such a massive pyramid of miscellaneous garbage, without it toppling over. It was as if the other members of my family huddled around the trash can, laughing and high-fiving while they played Jenga with Taco Bell wrappers and empty toilet paper rolls…….. I was impressed.
I was lucky enough to be the one chosen to disassemble it. I smiled the entire time thinking to myself “Man, they worked really hard on this, it’s a shame we have to take it down.”
Just kidding…..It went something like this; “Oh you gotta be friggen kidding me, this s*** again? ….GUYS!? Am I the only one with eyeballs in this household? You literally walk by this thing 34 times an hour. Is there some kind of Guinness World Record tryout going on around here that I’m not aware of? Biggest effing garbage stack in America? I’ll tell you what….I’m gonna start my own Guinness World Record tryout starting right now.. “Most roundhouse kicks delivered to loved ones throats.” Guarantee I’ll be the world champ. Try me. I’m not cleaning this up! …………I’ll tell you that right now.” Saying that last part under my breath as I defiantly exit the kitchen with my arms crossed stomping past the room full of people watching SpongeBob who didn’t hear a word I just said……
……As I was cleaning up the garbage, I had a lot of time to think.
(And before I go any further, I would like to state that what I’m about to say is not in any way directed at my husband specifically. He is a hardworking handsome hunk of a man with whom I am eager to spend this life and the life after this world with. It is a culmination of past relationships, current ones, and things I’ve witnessed over time. By the same token, I am not saying this applies to all women…..just like….97% of them)
I know most men will say women are complicated creatures. Let’s be real, there is some justifiable evidence behind this theory. …Take the time I told my husband I wanted ice cream for example. I expressed a burning desire for this sweet delicious treat. My husband decided to surprise me with said ice cream out of the kindness of his heart. I proceeded to verbally assault him for 10 minutes straight, because I am trying to get skinny and hot and he should have known better.
Man’s Brain: Wife want ice cream, must get ice cream. Why she mad I got ice cream. Me so confused.
My Brain: How on earth could this sonofa b**** have the audacity to show up in this house with ice cream. When I said I wanted ice cream so bad I could cry, what I meant was “Man, this diet sucks, I would really love to have some ice cream, but I can’t button any of my jeans anymore so I obviously can’t eat it.” God, what is so hard to understand about this? Does he listen to a word I say? Ever? If he really cared about me, he would support my lifestyle change.
Man Brain: Me support you, here, I bought you workout pants and protein bars.
My Brain: Woooooooooww…….okay….Ha…..so you agree, I’m f***ing fat. Cool. Super cool babe. I’m sorry I’m not *insert air quotes* SKINNY enough for you. You shouldn’t have gotten me pregnant if you didn’t want me to gain weight. Gah you are so ru-………
Man Brain: Malfunctioning, malfunctioning….powering dowwwwwwn……
By now you have heard the age old saying “Happy wife, happy life.” In other words, if you want to avoid feeling as if you want to gouge your eardrums out of your head on a regular basis with sharp pencils, to avoid having to hear the constant nipping of your Chihuahua of a wife, than you should just agree with everything she says.
And while I do feel that agreeing with everything your lady says is a surefire way to create peace within the home, (Ha, OBVIOUSLY)….I don’t think this is fair to the fellas. So I’ve decided to share a few tips with you men, because I’m pretty positive that if you try at least one of these, you will have just narrowly avoided a verbal smackdown. Take my suggestions or leave em. It’s your safety that’s in question here, not mine.
- If your lady spends time in the bathroom applying makeup, doing her hair or getting dressed up, even if she’s only in there for 5 minutes, when she walks outta that bathroom-you better act like Marilyn Monroe just showed up in your living room. You could even slow clap if you want….get crazy. Why? Because having to paint the face you were born with in order to feel presentable to the world sucks. It also requires some skill. 98% of women on this planet wish they could roll out of bed and let their hair go natural. However this is impossible. People would be throwing change at us on the streets and offering us their leftover sandwiches out of pity. Straightening and curling individual strands of hair is tedious and ridiculous. But it’s necessary. Therefore, if we know you are outside waiting for us to finish so we can go somewhere, the moment we step out of that bathroom we are displaying the art we have created, using our body as a canvas. You better look up from that phone and give us a damn compliment or you will hear about it. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow. But she is saving this situation in her arsenal ,as ammo for when she feels you don’t give her enough attention. Trust.
- So here’s a tip guys. Women want what they want, when they want it. If we say to you “Honey, could you please fix the ice maker, pretty please??” To be honest with you, we aren’t really asking. While it may appear as those this was posed as a question, we are kinda expecting you to put the controller down and fix it immediately. We may let it slide once or twice, gently reminding you, trying to sound as sweet as possible. But when it’s 6 months later and I’m still getting pelted in the eye socket by wild flying ice. We are gonna throw hands. Why? Because women desire a man that is dependable. Most men are born with a specific set of skills, such as: Hammering stuff, killing insects, doing mechanicky stuff to the car, unclogging drains, etc. I personally, find it sexy when my man grabs a tool and fixes the s*** out of something…maybe it’s just me. My point is. We tend to directly connect your desire to help us, with your level of love for us. “I don’t want my baby getting a black eye every time she tries to cool down her drink with some ice, let me fix that for you beautiful” VS “Jesus woman, I told you I’d fix it when I had time, besides, I’ve seen the speed in which those ice cubes fly outta there, it’s not even that fast. If you can maneuver your cup just right, you may even be able to catch em in midair! Aw man that would be cool” …………See what I mean?
- Give your lady a big hug from behind. Out of nowhere. She’s doing the dishes? Sneak up behind her and wrap your arms around her. Tell her she’s beautiful. Give her a kiss on the forehead, grab her hand and hold it. It sounds cheesy but I’m serious. Why? Because over time we get comfortable in relationships. Our woman “knows” we love her by now so we don’t have to show it as much. Skkkkkeeerrrttt. Let me stop you right there. Women always have, and always will, long to be desired. Best believe I’ll be 80 years old struttin around this house showing off my goods, whether he wants to see it or not. Let me put it to you this way. If you are in a relationship with a woman, you are the only man who is allowed to hold her hand, to kiss her, to hug her romantically from behind. Since you are the only man allowed to do this….you better f***ing do it. Otherwise, you are robbing her of the joy that goes along with being wanted by someone, which is something I think all of us want.
- Here’s a quick one. If a woman is experiencing anxiety over something that may seem insignificant to you, for example, she’s sitting on the bed crying because she has no clothes, (as you glance at the closet and note it is completely filled to the brim with tank tops and dresses). Under no circumstances are you to use words such as; overreacting, irrational, or crazy. We are well are we are being ridiculous. We can’t help it. We need a hug, and for you to ask us what you can do to help.
- If you see her huffing and puffing around the house, overwhelmed by the amount of chores that need to be done before she can relax, get your a** off Facebook, off the couch, off your high horse, and pick up a shirt off the floor. Think about it, for every piece of laundry you pick up, that’s one less that she has to. Every bit helps. Seriously. Besides, you will never catch a woman yelling at you while you’re vacuuming the carpet. Won’t happen. She will hold on to her resentments for fear that out of spite, you may never pick up a vacuum again.
- Lastly, and most importantly…………Stop pissing all over the toilet seat. I’m not even going to explain why.