“Take a left here.” Kendra said unbuckling her seatbelt. I glanced over at her as I made the left turn. “Why are you taking off your seatbelt already?” I asked, it seemed suspicious. “What are you talking about? We are about to be at my house.” she replied.
“Listen, if you are planning on jumping out of this car and running inside before giving me my s***, I swear to God I will tackle you. I don’t give a f*** if you are pregnant, and you certainly don’t seem to care either.” I pressed on the brake to slow down, “Where do I go?”.
“It’s this house here. I do give a s*** about my twins, actually and I wasn’t going to run, obviously…here.” She reluctantly dropped 5 pills into the palm of my hand and I immediately clasped it shut. I could tell she was annoyed, but I didn’t give a s***. The b*** had like 500 of them in her bag. I had no intention of doing pills anymore, but it was almost as if God wanted me to find them, I mean they practically fell into my lap.
I watched her struggle to maneuver her way out of the passenger seat and smiled. Normally I would have run around to help her, but I’d lost all respect for this girl once I saw that she had no problem poisoning her twins. Once she pulled herself up, she leaned down to grab her purse. “It’s not what you think, they aren’t mine.” She said. “Yeah, okay. That’s what they all say. If you try to tell management that I do pills, Kendra, I will have you fired faster than you can blink. There’s security cameras in the office. They would probably take your babies away the minute they popped out, so don’t f*** with me.” I put the car into drive so that she would get the hint to shut the damn door, but she stood there for a moment and I could tell she had something more to say.
“Hello, can you shut the door, you’re letting mosquitos in.” I said. She took a step back and started to shut the door, but before she did she leaned down until her eyes met mine, “You are making a big mistake. Grams isn’t going to be happy about this.”
“What? Who the hell is Gr–“, she slammed the door shut and started walking to the house. I rolled the passenger window down to call out to her. “Did you just say your Grandma isn’t gonna be happy about this? Hello?” she glanced back over her shoulder one more time, then stepped into her house, shutting the door behind her.
That girl is a friggin nutcase. What’s her grandma gonna do, hit me with her cane?
I sped the whole way home, anxious to do a pill. Most of you are probably thinking “Why the hell would you speed? You could have gotten pulled over and arrested for possession.” I feel the need to remind you that my boyfriend was an officer in this county, so there was no way in hell that I was getting more than a high-five and a “What’s up” from any cop I came across.
The car was barely in park when I ripped the key out of the ignition and ran full speed inside. I felt like a kid running down the stairs on Christmas. It was strange the way my brain was able to compartmentalize certain emotions and situations. The part where I promised Chuck I would no longer do pills anymore was stuffed away in a box in the way back. The box that held my selfish wants and needs was beautifully wrapped and begging to be opened.
As I crushed the pill up on the counter, a tiny voice inside my head gently reminded me that I was making a terrible mistake, that I was supposed to be doing the right thing and staying clean. That voice was quickly muffled by the deafening roar of my addiction, screaming for me to hurry the f*** up and snort this.
It would be different this time, I told myself as I lined up the fine powder with my debt card. I would just do these few and then stop again. I had to do these, they were f***ing free. What the hell was I going to do, throw them away?
“It will be different this time.” I said aloud as I sniffed the entire line deep into my nose. “I promise.”
30 seconds later, every muscle in my face began to relax. My eyelids grew heavier and I found myself moving in slow motion toward my bed. God I missed this feeling. Why would I ever want to stop doing these? I finally felt like myself again for the first time in a long time.
I glanced over at the closet as I flopped down onto the bed and stared at Chuck’s uniform hanging on the back of the door. It was as if this outfit was taunting me. “What have you done? You don’t deserve Chuck. You are nothing but a junkie loser. You don’t really think you’ll get away with this, do you?”
“Screw you, stupid uniform.” I threw a pillow at the back of the door and his uniform fell to the ground making a ‘clink’ sound as his name badge hit the wood floor. “Son of a b****.” I said to myself, rolling off the bed to go pick it up. When I leaned down to pick it up, the bedroom door suddenly swung open and knocked me to the ground.
I let out a scream that shook the windows and immediately placed my hands up in front of my face to protect it from the ax murderer entering my room. It was then that I heard a laugh I knew all too well.
“Geeeeezzzzz. Calm down it’s just me.” Chuck said.
“What the hell are you doing home? You almost gave me a friggin heart attack.” I yelled, standing up to hug him. Not necessarily because I was in a loving mood, mainly because I was high as a f***ing kite and knew he’d be able to tell the second he got a look at my face. I messed up. This was a terrible idea. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I thought he was going to be on duty all night—so I could watch a movie and pass out and he’d never know I relapsed. I had a fool proof plan…Or so I thought.
I knew in that moment, I had no other choice but to tell him. He’s already on high alert because of last time, and once he takes one look into my eyes it’s going to break his heart. It’s better that he hears the truth now, instead of being forced to ask. I’d already done enough damage, it was time for me to move on.
I hugged him for a moment longer, realizing this would probably be the last time I would ever be loved by someone as wonderful as him. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, because I knew the second I pulled away, life as he knew it would completely change.
I took a deep breath, and let go.
I raised my eyes to him and began to speak, but I was interrupted. “You are so beautiful, Baby.” He said looking into my eyes before pulling me in for another hug.
“Thank you Honey, um, but we need to talk about something.” I said, pulling away before he got too deep into this mood.
“Uh oh.” He said, stepping back and looking down at me. “You’re not pregnant are you?” he laughed. I laughed too, but it was nervous laughter, so it came out as an obnoxious cackle. “Pregnant. Ha, good one, Babe. Um, nope. Not pregnant. Thank God right?”
The laughter subsided and his face returned to a look of concern. “What’s up, Tiff? You okay?” I paused before speaking. I knew he already knew. “What’s the matter?” he asked, a hint of panic in his voice.
“Well, I …” I was struggling to find the words. “Is it your job? You don’t like it there do you?” he interrupted. I looked at him for a moment, trying to get a read on what he was thinking. He had a look of genuine confusion on his face, but nothing about his expression insinuated he may have thought I was high. I knew for a fact I looked high, I had just snorted an entire pill after 3 months of being clean. So why isn’t he catching on?
“Babe, your killing me. What is it?” he pleaded. He is staring in my eyes. He is looking right at me. How is he not aware of what I’m about to say. It didn’t matter, it was now or never. I had to tell the truth.
“Um, well. I met a pregnant girl at my job tonight. She’s pregnant with twins and…. She was doing drugs. When I went to check her out, her purse fell on the floor and –” His jaw dropped open and his face twisted in disgust. “You have got to be kidding me. My God, those poor babies. What the—well did you fire her?”
I stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to piece the puzzle together. All the sudden I realized what was happening. Despite the fact that he is a professional at knowing when someone is high – he has no clue that the person a foot away from his face is faded.
Oh my God.
The script had suddenly changed. I was no longer the poor addict about to confess that once again I’d failed at making it any length of time without drugs. My new role was that of a responsible restaurant manager focused on ridding the workplace of all delinquent employees. “You bet your ass I did.” I said, beaming with pride.
He smiled and pulled me in for a bear hug. “I am so proud of you, Tiffany.” He whispered. “Thank you, Babe, I told you. I am a different person now.”