*Warning-The follow post contains graphic material that may be a trigger for some (in regards to suicide) please proceed with caution.*
I was staring out the window of my cell as everyone else was eating dinner in the Mess Hall. I didn’t have much of an appetite, I didn’t see any point in eating either, as I knew I was only a few hours away from the end of my time here on earth.
I had spent some time deliberating about how I was going to carry out my plan, which was difficult, seeing as how I didn’t have many options. They didn’t make it easy for anyone contemplating suicide here, I’m assuming it’s because the number of people who would take advantage of it would be astronomical.
Detoxing from drugs alone is enough to make any civilized person contemplate jumping off of a building-add on all of the terrible things I had done, and it seemed like finding a way out was my only option.
As I stared out the small window of the cell, my mind began to drift. I thought about my sisters, and how heartbroken they would be when they got the news tomorrow. I immediately forced those thoughts out of mind, because my will to die was much stronger than any concern I had for anyone elses emotions, and I didn’t want that to change. I thought about how unfortunate it was that I wasn’t going to experience having children, or being married. I would make a shitty wife and mom anyway, so I was doing the world a service, really.
I was hoping to somehow see my mom. If for some crazy reason “heaven” did end up being real (which, to me, was preposterous) then I knew that’s where she was, and if that case, we would most likely never cross paths again. They say suicide is a sin, and chances are you are going to hell-but if hell did happen to be real, chances were I was already heading that way regardless of my exit strategy- so f*** it.
I stayed in the same position for the next few hours, until it was lights out. My cellmates hadn’t bothered me because they could tell I was severely withdrawing, and I glared angrily at anyone who attempted to make eye contact.
I waited. Waited for each of them to drift off, each making a different sound as they breathed in the night air. Some women snored, some breathed quietly, but I waited until I was sure that every last one of them was no longer conscious. When the last woman tossed and turned until finally finding the perfect position, I listened until her breathing changed, an indication she was out.
I sat up in my bunk, and delicately set my feet on the cold concrete floor. I stood up and glanced around, ensuring no one had stirred. My hands found their way to the corner of my sheet and I gently began removing it from my mat. Once it was off, I cautiously sat back down in my bunk. My hands moved automatically, almost as if they were programmed to tie this knot, there was no thought, just mindless twisting and pulling. I wasn’t thinking of anything other than how desperate I was for this to be over. I didn’t want to spend another moment here on this earth, I needed this to be done.
I peered around the room one last time, ensuring everyone was still fast asleep, and I carefully tied one end of the sheet to the corner of the bunk above me. I braced for the girl above me to wake up, as I had tied the knot about 2 inches from her foot- but she didn’t budge. I wrapped the other end of the sheet around my neck, and pulled it as tight as I possibly could. There were no tears, no second thoughts – no thoughts what so ever. My mind was laser focused on the task at hand, and nothing else. I took a long, deep inhale, and pushed myself off of my bed.
There was no place high enough in my cell to completely hang from, so I let my legs go limp, and allowed my body weight and gravity to do the work. I was hanging from my neck, my legs outstretched in front of me. The pressure around my throat was overwhelming. It felt as though my spine and was separating from my skull. I could feel my face getting hot, it felt like it was swelling with blood. I had to fight my natural instincts, which wanted to seek air. My physical body was desperate to stand up and breath, but my mind was stronger. There was no going back now.
The sounds of the world around me began to grow faint and my peripheral vision began to darken, it was suddenly as if I was looking down the length of a tunnel. The walls of darkness were closing in and the world had gone silent….it felt as if the blood vessels inside my eyes were bursting one by one and at any moment, my eyes were going to completely pop out of my head. Everything was black, this was it…..it was almost over. In that moment, I felt relief…I felt…….free……..
There was a bright light. I knew I was passing through another dimension, I was looking forward to seeing what was coming next. Suddenly, the air filled my lungs with a “woosh” and my vision slowly came into focus. What the hell? The next thing I know I’m coughing, gasping and choking. I begin to see flashes of light and hear intermittent yelling as my hearing slowly returned. I blinked a few times in an attempt to focus, and a blurry image began taking shape above me. It was a face. But not the face of God, or the devil, it was Officer Cache. “Johnson! Can you here me? Tiffany. Wake up.”
Anger began coursing through every single vein in my body once I realized what was happening. I began violently throwing my arms and kicking in an attempt to get everyone the hell away from me.
“Why!!!!!!!” I screamed. “Why the f*** did you wake me up??? Why….why didn’t you let me gooooooo.” I began sobbing uncontrollably out of anger and frustration. I was so close. So close to being home and now, I was right back in hell. Right back into the reality I had so desperately tried to escape from.
I glanced around the room at my cellmates who had various expressions. Some looked horrified, some were crying and a few just looked shocked- as if they didn’t know what to make of the situation. I wanted to scream at them for being so dramatic. I wanted to find out who the hell foiled my plan, and ruined any hope of me being free from this shitty planet. Before I could say another word to anyone, a deputy pulled my wrists behind my back and handcuffed me. “Come on, we gotta take you to medical.” an officer I didn’t recognize said. I stood up and began to follow her. I wanted to run, I wanted to slam my head into the wall and finish the job. Instead, I went quietly ……because I suddenly realized that the main lights in the entire pod were on, and every single inmate in the jail was standing at their cell doors, watching everything that had just occurred……..